Q) When is the right time to evacuate?
A) Excellent question. Remember: "Time is on your side". Avoid the early rush to evacuate. As you will learn, hurricane land falls are notoriously difficult to predict. At any given moment a hurricane may wobble fifty miles in any direction. Therefore, we here in Miami have learned to wait until the last moment. Only when the hurricane is mere miles away and you are sure the eye will pass over you, should you then consider packing up the SUV and loading the family and evacuating in land.
Q) I have decided to hunker down. What can I do to prepare my home?
A) Good for you. Studies have shown that it is safer to be in your home during a hurricane than anywhere else. Two words sum up what will make your home safe: duct tape. Yup- duct tape the whole damn house. Start with the windows, move to the doors and then use an "X" design on all interior walls. No force of nature can blow down a wall supported by a properly placed "X" made out of duct tape.
Q) Do I need to upgrade my insurance?
A) No. Insurance companies are well prepared for rare natural disasters and you will be fully covered.
Q) Assume the worst and the storm hits my town and the power goes out. Where do I get a generator from?
A) FEMA ( Federal Emergency Makeshift Association) will send two guys named Ernesto and Ricky to your block with government approved generators which they will carrying in the back of their van. Cash only.
Q) I keep hearing about a storm surge. What exactly is it?
A) Prior to the storm, your local television stations will whip the populace into a frenzy, liberally lacing fear with the need to rush out to the local Home Depot and buy as much water, batteries, lumber, and flashlights as your credit cards will allow before your neighbor does. The mass of people descending upon Home Depot is what storm forecasters call the "storm surge."
Q) I have a charcoal barbecue grill. Can I bring it inside to cook and boil water when the power is out? I am worried about carbon monoxide.
A) Absolutely. This is a charming and quaint custom whose roots can be traced back to a small town in Miami called Hialeah. By bringing the gill inside, you greatly increase the convenience of cooking food and boiling water. Carbon monoxide is an odorless and tasteless gas. As they say in Hialeah, "what you can't see or smell can't hurt you."
Well, there you have it. A few simple rules to follow and those of you from Cape Hatteras to Cape Cod can safely enjoy hurricane Earl.
29 comments:
Always good for a laugh.
Bill Barzee
PRICELESS. RUMPY,I am now convinced, you are Dave Barry in disguise. Beyond Funny.
Rumpole, you need to put a disclaimer on those instructions. Believe it or not, the are thousands of people who will actually believe they are serious instructions instead of a joke.
Hurricane rules addendum.
Do you need to stock up on food, water and batteries?
No, stores use hurricanes as opportunities to clear out old stocks of food, water and batteries. Like the holiday shopping season, you are better off waiting until after the hurricane to buy food, water an batteries on sale.
To 9:27: If there were a disclaimer, it would not be funny. To those thousands who actually believe those instructions, let the chips fall where they may.
Or you can do the smart thing: Close the shutters, pack up the car and go anywhere the Hurricane is not going. Then you just wait for your idiot friends who stayed to call and tell you the power is back on.
Q) After the storm, if the roads are closed, as well as schools and government offices, what should I do first?
A) Go put gas in your car.
Channel 7 offers "Cone on your Phone" and you can see the Cone of Death on it. If you are in the Cone of Death, it has been predetermined by the stripper looking weather gals at Channel 7 that all hope is lost.
Okay, gotta go. Deco Drive is on.
what about the booze, bro?
1. Stock up on booze.
2. If you are married and ready to take a walk on the wild side, keep an eye out for lonely single women in your neighborhood who might need emergency food & shelter. Might as well mix a little prurience in with your charity.
3. If you lose your A/C, think of Janet Reno. She grew up in Miami and up to the time she went to DC, never had AC.
4. If the hurricane gets really really bad, read The Pelopponessian War by Thucydides. Find out what people act like when public order breaks down.
http://cnn.com/video/?/video/us/2010/08/27/college.grad.blues.cnn
The electric is out but the patio electrical outlet works fine. Can I use the patio electrical outlet that is almost under flood waters?
Absolutly, provided you have the little one plug in the appliance.
You forgot to say all you really need yo stock up on is" peanut butter, canned Tuna ICE and bleach. Also dont worry if you leave candles unattended, Just listen to the TV or Radio cause they will tell you minute by minute something uniportant and if you didnt get it the first time, dont worry [ be happy] they will repeat it .
LOL
DS
Join the fight today.
http://www.fightforflorida.blogspot.com/
Interesting that one person compared you to Dave Barry.
I agree, but with one minor exception.
Your stuff is actually funny!
Wrong about storm surge.
That is when Mr. Wonderful, Brian Norcross gets paid a bonus by Home Depot to scare you into buying all kinds of stuff you really don't need to prepare for a huricane.
Remember when the Herald did that story and put his cancelled check from Home Depot in the paper.
Whatever happended to Brian Norcross, weather man that he was?
Found him on Google: Bryan Norcross Joins The Weather Channel as Hurricane Specialist
I am amused by the thought of Norma Lindsey on the Third DCA.
Most amused.
Referring to this list of candidates for Judge Cope's seat, is what I mean by the last post:
Befera, Steven P.
Colan, Jonathan D.
Emas, Kevin
Fernandez, Ivan F.
Galex, Michael H.
Galicia, Esther E.
Ginsberg, Ivy R.
Lindsey, Norma S.
Perez, Gladys
Prescott, Orlando A.
Reid, Lisette M.
Reiter, Jack R.
Rodriguez, Jose M.
Scales, Edwin A.
Stein, Douglas H.
Swartz, Jeffrey D.
so few people want the 3dca job? emas the obvious choice since he was also nominated for supreme court, but who knows with charlie the tuna.
wow, what a bunch of losers who put in for cope's seat. emas is the only one with appellate-level brains in the bunch.
it is obvious that this is Judge Jeff Swartz' seat. He is the most intelligent and politically connected person on the list. wasn't he Jeff and Loree Feiler's partner in law and also Stan Blake's? What say you?
Befera, Steven P. - Well he was President of the Dade County Bar!
Colan, Jonathan D. - Who?
Emas, Kevin - Yes.
Fernandez, Ivan F. - No.
Galex, Michael H. - Funny, not him, that he applied
Galicia, Esther E. - Who?
Ginsberg, Ivy R. - Oh Ivy.
Lindsey, Norma S. - We need to talk
Perez, Gladys - County Court Judge for 3 weeks yet?
Prescott, Orlando A. - Love him too much in Circuit
Reid, Lisette M. - Who?
Reiter, Jack R. - Related to Paperback writer?
Rodriguez, Jose M. - C'mon.
Scales, Edwin A. - Key West Lawyer with no trial experience.
Stein, Douglas H. - Who?
Swartz, Jeffrey D. - JEFF, DON'T YOU EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER APPLY FOR ANYTHING AGAIN, NOTHING, NOT EVEN A CREDIT CARD. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO.
Emas has the upper hand here. Rodriguez and Fernandez would be excellent choices. Swartz must be delusional to think he has a shot. He just likes to see his name in lights. If Rodriguez gets the nod, who gets to take his place at La Loggia every day? And he is going to look awful weird sitting across the street from the 3d DCA "bunker" as SFL so appropriately calls it,every day at 12, cigar in hand and no one to shmooze with.
I would hate to see Emas off the trial bench, but he's a great choice.
Jonathan Colan is in the appellate division at the USAO, by the way. Wicked smart.
Gladys Perez is also smart enough and has an edge with Crist. I think she's not getting any respect now that he got put on County Court. But she could be a repeat of Judge Suarez -- short stint in County, then to the 3d.
Emas is good, better than Labarga was as a choice, but with Charlie needing votes, we may have Prescott called up. Just think how important the next governor's election is, though. Would you want Rick Scott deciding this? Do you trust him to do this intelligently? VOTE FOR ALEX SINK, think what is at stake here. As litigants, we will all be directly affected by Novemeber 2, 2010. BTW, i am a registered Republican, but this election is too important for our future, Alex Sink is what we have and she is the best eprson of the two.
The 3rd.list is a joke but for Kevin Emas.Ginsber,Lindsay,even Jose Rodrigue are absolutely abomonable.
Hey 11:49 - If you really beleive that the applicants for the 3rd DCA are such "losers", why didn't you put your far superior and capable name in for the seat. You know, it is time for you critics to put up or shut up.
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