MIAMI GRAND JURY UNSEALS TRUMP INDICTMENT!

 Like a shark circling in the blue depths underneath its target, the Miami Grand Jury sprung into action on Saturday April 1, 2023, unleashing a string of charges against the embattled former president. 

Stemming from it’s investigation of the Trump Doral Hotel properties, the grand jury charged Trump with hotel fraud, PGA fraud, food fraud and fraud fraud.

“The hotel has engaged in a pattern of overcharging, especially with visitors from Dubai” said the Miami Dade State attorney whose office led the investigation. “Eighteen thousand for a standard room, four hundred dollars for a plate of eggs is just not outrageous but it’s hotel fraud, motel fraud, and Holiday Inn fraud “ the State attorney said, lapsing momentarily into the lyrics of an old rap song. 

“There is also golf fraud” the State Attorney charged. “Par fours expanded into par fives just to help the former president get a birdie is intolerable in South Florida where cheating in golf ended with Jackie Gleason and some late former county court judges. Par is par” said the state attorney to a raucous crowd of golfers clad in plaid. 

“And finally there is food fraud. Steaks listed as 14 ounces are actually 12. We love a good steak in South Florida and people are entitled to the steak they pay for.” 

Asked about the possible outcomes of the case or whether there would be plea, the state attorney squared her shoulders and stared directly into the cameras “The Victim Wants The Max!” 

After the indictment was unsealed, there was no comment on when the arraignment would be held, or whether the former president’s case would be assigned to a judge who takes lawyers out of turn for arraignments. 

STATE COURT TRIALS TO OPEN IN UNUSED JACKSON HOSPITAL OR ROOMS AND MARLIN'S PARK!

 Necessity is the mother of invention. 

State courts need to start trying cases again. Public hospitals are doing no elective surgeries and thus have empty ORs. ORs require total disinfection to remain clean. Meanwhile Marlin's park is a big, empty venue blocks from the Courthouse. 

Covid doesn't spread outdoors especially when people are more than six feet apart and wear masks. Thus the court orders issued TODAY directing that two county court judges set up courtrooms in JMH ORs 12 and 13 starting the week of April 12, 2021. Court reporting equipment will be disinfected and installed before then, along with steel hospital tables for all parties while all participants including the judge will wear green hospital scrubs and masks.  

Meanwhile felony courts will be operating in left field, right field and between the pitcher's mound and home plate at Marlin's park. Three simultaneous trials, outside, with venires sitting- of course- in the stands, until the members are picked, while in-custody defendants will be held in the bull-pen naturally.  

No word on whether hot dogs, peanuts and beer will be served, but we say WHY NOT? It is spring time. The sun is shinning. The grass is freshly cut, and where better for a judge to work then where umpires roam? 

Everyone wanted trials, and now as we start April, they are right around the corner. We used to say "see you in court" and now we will say "see you in right field where Hammerin Hank used to be on patrol. Lets hit one out and to paraphrase the great Hall of Fame Cub Ernie Banks- "let's try two!"  

FEDS TO FUND NEW JUSTICE BUILDING

Miami is starting to reap the benefits of Mayor Gimenez's rapid capitulation to Miami not being a sanctuary city. The City and the feds announced over the weekend a thirty-two million dollar grant to fund ground breaking on a new criminal courthouse.  Parking-lot 26,  which adjoins the side of the old courthouse, will be the site of the new courthouse (tentatively to be named the Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Miami Justice Center). When the new courthouse opens, the REGB will be imploded and a modern ten story parking garage will be built which will have room for police, lawyers and witnesses. There are plans, starting in 2020, to open a small mall in the public parking lot across from the courthouse which will include office space, an LA Fitness, retail and fine dinning. 

Things are looking up. 

However things are also looking down. 

Fresh on the success of the State Speedy trial rule allowing prosecutors to demand a speedy trial, the legislature is now looking at bills that will allow victims to file charges (the Victim Vengeance Act); file sentencing enhancements (The Victim Full Justice Act); and for individual victims to move the court to revoke a defendant's release (The Victims Safe Streets and Homes Act).

Well, maybe the new mall will have a bar to drink in.

From Occupied America, where every day brings surprises and fools, Fight the Power. 

MAJOR CHANGES COMING TO REGJB

A secret proposal to monetize extra-legal services at the REGJB in order to fill budget gaps and prevent layoffs of essential staff is winding its way through the approval of a committee of judges picked by our chief judge. Among the proposals being submitted for approval are the following:

1) The naming and sponsorship of courtrooms by law firms. Big on the list are traffic law firms offering as much as $50,000/year to have their names as sponsors on misdemeanor courtrooms. Other large civil law firms are vying for having their names on the larger courtrooms in the civil and family courthouse. 

2) A valet service for parking and a valet lounge where clients can wait until their case is called. The Valet company will be required to hire 50% of it's staff from defendants on probation for non-violent and first-offense cases. 

3) An upscale organic eatery and juice and wine bar to replace the small cafe on 8 called "Just-Us". Karaoke will be available after 6 pm for lawyers waiting on a verdict. 

4) The instillation of high-speed internet and video entertainment and work stations in the jury room that can be rented for $20/hour for jurors to view videos or perform work while waiting to be called. 

5) A lawyer locker-room where lawyers can rent lockers to store brief cases, and files. No word on steam-room and showers. 

6) A Starbucks cart on floors one, four and nine. 

7) An electronic scoreboard on the first floor listing cases in trial, the charges, and the lawyers. 

Items that were proposed and were rejected included the renting of a small space to a haberdashery that would sell ties, shirts, and small clothing items as well as pens and pads; a series of electronic massage chairs on the end of every floor that charge a dollar a minute; the licensing of the image of Richard Gerstein for coffee mugs; a Janet Reno-Keno game for money; the sale of a self-published book on Amazon entitled "The History of The Justice Building". 

Our courthouse is like a shark- either it keeps swimming or it dies. 

From Occupied America, Fight the Power. 

BUSH TO RUN FOR STATE ATTORNEY

UPDATE: NOT GUILTY We told you to go watch DOM in trial this week, and word is he knocked it out of the park before Judge Moore. The jury returned a NOT Guilty Friday Morning, David thus becoming the only attorney we are aware to get a misdemeanor battery dismissal on Wednesday, followed by a Not Guilty in Federal Court on Friday. Not a bad week. Well Done, Mr. Markus. Well Done indeed. 

BUSH TO RUN FOR STATE ATTORNEY!!!

Sources have indicated that Jeb Bush, last seen getting his butt kicked by Donald Trump, still has the "public service bug" and has set his sights on the Dade County State Attorneys Office. 

"It's something he thinks is winnable" said a source close to Bush. And he needs to bounce back. "Think Richard Nixon running for governor of California in 1962. Well, that's a bad example actually, because Nixon lost, but you get the idea."

A spokesman for the Dade County State Attorneys Office, speaking off the record, called Bush "Low energy." Hmm... good point. It's worked before. 

CLERK'S OFFICE TO CLOSE
Not satisfied with reducing services, the Dade County Clerk's Office has decided to close. "Closing the office will save the office tens of millions of dollars, which will allow us- in theory- to provide better service- if we were open. Which we won't be."


And finally, the day we have all been waiting for. You want a cup of coffee? A Bagel? A quick soup and salad over lunch? You got it! The El Chapo cafe on the first floor is opening today, April 1, 2016. and to celebrate, your tab is on us. We've generously provided a credit card and we are footing the bill to celebrate the opening. Just head on in and order anything you can. We'll get the tab. 

REAL GOSSIP
Sad. A judge. Been in trouble before. Flamed out in court last week. Locked themselves in chambers. Your chief judge was summoned to talk him/her off the ledge. Unofficially removed from courtroom duties for a bit. And now a story that they were out drinking late over the weekend. Cut off by the barkeep, another flame-out. The police were called. No arrest made. The kind of crap you see in Broward. It's only a matter of time. 

See You In Court. 

SCALIA CONFLICTS OFF GAY RIGHTS CASE; JOEL BROWN WANTS JOB BACK?

BREAKING: New Google Scent search. Now you can google unusual scents at Google Nose here and find out what they are. We've tried the app and it is scent-sational!




Two shocking headlines start our Monday April 1 off with a bang. 

First: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has announced that because of "private reasons long ago" he will not participate in the court's historic decision on the Defense of Marriage Act and gay marriage cases argued before the court last week. 

One can only wonder what a young Nino experimented with that is causing him to conflict off these two cases. 

Second: Blog tipsters report that former chief Judge Joel Brown has had a "change of heart" and wants to cancel his retirement and relinquishment of the post of Chief Judge for the state courts in Miami.  Brown wants to return to his former post but there is no word on whether current CJ Soto will oblige the former chief judge in his desire to put Humpty-dumpty back together again. 

If we didn't say it before, today is the first day of April. Three months down, nine to go. 

See you in court. 

April 1 Confker Worm Special Edition

Today is April 1.  Has the Confiker worm hit you?

NEW 24 Hour Court to debut:

For years we have complained about the long lines in the REGJB, especially on Mondays and Tuesdays where court is closed on Monday. 

In response to our complaints, and to be filed under the heading "be careful what you wish for",  the Judges of the REGJB are set to debut the new 24 Hour Court!!!

Yes, in an order to be signed by the chief judges of country and criminal court today, there will be established a new 24 hour court open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to handle all emergency hearings, and for those who opt for it, traffic tickets and non-DUI misdemeanors. 

The police officers who work midnight shifts have lobbied for this for years, as it would allow them to appear in court during their normal working hours. Defendants will have the choice to check a box on a ticket, traffic infraction, or promise to appear, that will authorize the clerk to set the case for arraignment, sounding, and trial, between either the hours of 6PM and midnight or for those night rangers, 12 am and 6 am. 

"The lawyers will just have to deal with it" said the spokesperson for the 11th Judicial Circuit. "The world does not revolve around them and it's time they realized that."

Query: How will you handle a case set for trial at 2am Friday morning?

FEDERAL DEATH RECOMMENDATION: 

For those of you following the trial, the Federal Jury in the West Palm Beach case involving the execution of a family of four on the Florida turnpike, has recommended death for both defendants. Judge Hurley has the case and he heads into senior status having to make a life and death decision. The Channel 7 recap is here. 

See you in court, but only between 8Am and 5Pm.

IITH JUDICIAL CIRCUIT TO ACCEPT CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP!!!!

An aggrieved jurist obtained the secret plans of our Chief Judge to sell corporate sponsorships for the 11th Judicial Circuit and emailed us an outline of the plans. Included in the plans to sell out, are the following.

The REGJB will be now called the Fed-Ex Gerstein Justice Buiding.

The Civil Courthouse will be called the Kinkos Civil Court House.


Pepsi will be the official soft drink of the 11th Judicial Circuit. Pepsi will issue commemorative cans with pictures and biographies of the Judges of the 11th Judicial Circuit.

Visa will be the official Credit Card of the 11th Judicial Circuit and will be the only credit card accepted for payment of court costs and filing fees.

Individual Judges will be able to sell corporate patches -3 per robe- similar to corporate logos on NASCAR. The fees for each logo have been set by the Court, but any Judge able to sell space on their robe will be able to keep 50% of all fees, with the other 50% going to the 11th Judicial Circuit general court fund.

The 11th Judicial Circuit will sell ad space on the front of each bench. There is discussion of installing electronic ad signs.

Each courtroom can have one official sponsor. Circuit Courtrooms cost $50,000.00 per year, County Court Courtrooms will cost $25,000.00 per year. Lawyers and law firms will be able to purchase sponsorships of the Courtrooms and all notices for all hearings must contain the corporate sponsor in the notice, eg., “The following motion will be heard in courtroom 4-2, the Greenberg Traurig Courtroom, on….”

Judges and their staff will be permitted to produce and sell approved 11th Circuit memorabilia, including coffee mugs, t-shirts and Golf Caps. The proceeds will be split with the 11th Circuit 50/50.

The Clerks will be sponsored by Mircrosoft. They will call the "Microsoft Outlook Calendar" and will wear shirts with Microsoft patches.

Dell will be the official computer of the 11th Judicial Circuit.

The Paul and Young Ron Show will be the Official Morning Radio Show of the 11th Judicial Circuit. They narrowly outbid the Neil Rogers show.


Local business will be permitted to produce and sell 30 second ads to jurors selected in cases. At three selected time periods during any trial, the trial will be halted and the bailiff will play the ads on flat screen LCD TV’s that are being installed in all courtrooms. Fed Ex, Publix, Walgreens, have already agreed to purchase 100 hours of ad time.

Outside of sponsoring courtrooms, lawyers and law firms will not be permitted to advertise in the courthouse.


Assistant Public Defenders and Assistant State Attorneys will be permitted to have two items reflecting corporate sponsorship, one item being a cap, and one item being a small placard that will be placed on the table and displayed to the jury. Publix has purchased the rights to all DUI Prosecutions, and local driving schools are purchasing rights to the defense in all reckless driving cases.


The Chief Judge will shortly issue an email to all Judges and 11th Judicial Circuit Staff that will say in part:

“Corporate Sponsorship is the wave of the future. Miami has always been at the forefront in new developments in courts and the law, and I believe that we can generate significant revenue that will enhance our legal system, while still protecting the dignity and independence of the court system and the people who work in it.”

Rumpole says: WOW.