Thursday, June 16, 2022


 There is a Zoom crisis brewing and we, as members of the defense bar are part of the problem and not the solution.  To be frank we are dropping the ball on Zoom and could lose it and it would our fault. The fault dear Brutus lies not in the stars but in our zoom-selves, or words to that effect, 

Clients are zooming in from bed; clients are on zoom with no shirt on (presumably male clients since there is no national media story about a half-naked woman in Miami appearing in court); clients are on zoom enjoying repasts and imbibing all sorts of drinks; clients are on zoom using illegal substances. 

Meanwhile lawyers are appearing on Zoom in casual T-shirts; from pool cabanas; from the side of the road on their phone with 18 wheelers rumbling by; on the golf course from a golf cart; on a boat cruising Biscayne Bay. 

In short, we as lawyers are not treating zoom hearings seriously and we have a responsibility to get our clients in line, which we are not doing. We rant on these widely read blog pages about Judges ending Zoom not understanding the benefits Zoom brings to a legal practice. But in meetings, the Judges zoom back, pointing to the type of behavior and dress that would make Russ Meyer shake his head in disgust. *

Your FACDL representatives are out there fighting for your zoom. But they cannot win the day when judges point out multiple instances of clients acting like...clients...and lawyers acting and dressing like tourists trying to bribe their way into Club Space on a Saturday night. 

The 20th judicial circuit has some well thought out Zoom guidelines. It's almost enough to put them on the map (because we have no idea where the 20th is). 

Please review these guidelines. Go shine your shoes. Put away the Nike golf shirt and Bermuda shorts and Cleveland Guardians Baseball cap (what a ridiculous name for a baseball team) and put on a jacket and shirt and tie or a blouse and jacket ( and do not drag us down the road as to who should be wearing what- this whole gender pronoun business is not for us- we are too old to want to know and care about it). 

Remember. Like a driver's license, Zoom is a privilege. 

Virtual Courtroom Decorum 20th by Anonymous PbHV4H on Scribd

*Russ Meyer was a 1970s notorious soft pornography producer who produced films with titles like Valley of the Super Vixens and featured women with very notable and prominent...ummm....hmmmm how to say this? ....frontal features is the best we can come up with.  


Anonymous said...

"this whole gender pronoun business is not for us- we are too old to want to know and care about it"

Yeah, but nobody's too old to be punished for it.

Anonymous said...

Dear Judges,

Let us zoom or have us put up a young good looking female, Hispanic opponent at your next election,

Let me translate:
You fucking assholes need to stop acting like kings and become a public servant and not a king or go back to being a lawyer.

Judges stink.

Anonymous said...

Ok Rump follow me on this. I took my recent proceeds on a San Diego boat case (250 downstroke) and put 50 large on the Celtics. I negotiated with my guy, who is actually a girl named Gladys in Hialeah, for no points and the vig- so 55 to win 48. Now If I win- I've got 98 which I will let ride on game seven. Either I win 196 or lose 55. I like these odds. I am not Celtic Fan, so call me Celtics Man.

Lets Go Celtics!

Anonymous said...

Russ Meyer women had impossibly large breasts when viewed with their otherwise smallish frame. It was unbelievable and he was obsessed with women who looked like that.

Anonymous said...

None of the judicial concerns justifies ever having a cattle call (calendar call or sounding) in person ever again. If lawyers are inappropriate, fine them. As for the clients, the court can put up with the occasional idiot. There are plenty of qualified candidates to take the place of those who don’t respond to the needs of their constituents.

Anonymous said...

I was in Broward yesterday for a calendar call. The place was packed. The cases that were worked out were set on a change of plea calendar in the future. What was the purpose of convening the crowd? Lawyers need to organize around this issue and fight back. We need a mother Jones.

Anonymous said...

Really? Hahaha! Yeah… men hate petite girls with large knockers! Awful!

Anonymous said...

"this whole gender pronoun business is not for us- we are too old to want to know and care about it"

Yes, it's clear from your blog that you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself.

Anonymous said...


Celtics Fan said...

Steph Curry is a beast! The Warriors are well deserved champions. The Celtics cannot win a championship turning a ball over 18 fing times.
More on this later but for now all props to.NBA championship mvp Steph Curry. Well deserved for someone who is making a strong case for being the greatest point guard in NBA history.

Anonymous said...

What's the point of being a judge and wearing robes if you aren't going to run your courtroom (virtual or otherwise) and make sure people follow your rules? Write up some division rules and post them, like every other judge in this state. If people violate your rules, let them know in person. Hell, if an attorney fails to appear for court on zoom, handle it the same way you would if they failed to appear in-person. Clients/defendants are one thing, but most of these complaints are about attorneys. If there's a problem, bring it up in person to the attorney's face.

It's a really bad look for the criminal court judiciary when they can't seem to be able to control their courtrooms online but civil seems to have handled it well.

Rumpole said...

9:50 am lets dissect your comment a bit, shall we?
First, in writing that it is clear from my blog, you obviously read it every day. Bully for you. Self improvement is a journey and you are well on your way dear chap.

Second, you are correct, and lets put it in capital letters YOU ARE CORRECT.
We are Objectivists- you're going to have to google that pal.
But for example, one of the more influential books we have read on philosophy is "The Virtue Of Selfishness".

But let us expand- we write for an audience of one. Us. No one else. Not you, not any judge, not any family member. We write to satisfy our need to write and for us and us only to enjoy what we write. We care not if you read it or not. Your happiness is not our concern. Our happiness is our concern.

Now to be clear you don't think this deeply. You thought you were insulting us. But that's because being of limited intelligence and raised with altruist/collectivist ethics, you have been taught since grade school that it is of utmost importance to care about others more than you care about yourself. So in your dim mind, you were dealing us a severe blow by writing that it was evident from our blog that we do not care about anyone else. The irony is that in trying to attack us, you have given us the ultimate praise.

Let all of that sink in a bit. For some, like evidently you, it takes longer than for others. Lope down to the local library and score yourself a copy of the Virtue Of Selfishness and give it a go and then we can chat some more.

Yours, etc.
H Rumpole, Esq., blog proprietor.

Anonymous said...

Wow Rumpole- caught, fileted and fried. Nice response.

Anonymous said...

Rump its MOVING DAY in Boston Mass at the US OPEN. Reeling from the loss by their beloved Celtics, Bostonians, the best sports fans in the world, are at Brookline, cheering on their favorite golfers.
Can Morikawa do it again? Can Jon Rahm do it again? Matt Speith anybody? Can Scheffler find that old magic?
How about Rory McIlroy lurking just a few off the lead, ready to pounce.

And who's that familiar figure lurking in the gallery at the 14th, waiving an un lit cigar holding court and sipping a diet coke?

Big rumor making the rounds- a bunch of players are going to jump to LIV for nice seven figure signing bonuses because the PGA tour sucks the lifeblood out of the average player with their BS rules and regs.

Anonymous said...

It's Jordan Spieth. Not Matt.

Anonymous said...

Rump are you SEEING what is going on on FACDL listserv? iT'S A madhouse A MADHOUSE!
Accusations about lawyers in t shirts on mag court zoom are flying back and forth- Paris vacations are in the mix, everyone is weighing in, it's getting nasty and all I keep thinking about is I don't have any cases so I'm not in Mag court and I don't have any extra money so I am not in Paris.

Rumpole said...

Yes, my email in box is being flooded. I feel like Maverick in Top Gun right after Goose dies "I will not leave my wingman....I will not leave my wingman"
I keep repeating "I will not print facdl listserv emails ....I will not print facdl listserv emails."

I don't feel the need for speed.

Golf Guy said...

Rump F facdl listserv. Morikawa is leading at 5 under, Rham is 4 under, Rory is 3 under, so is Schaffler. We got ourselves a tourney baby! Weekend is going to be awesome!

Anonymous said...

Rahm throws up a 67 for a -4. Morikawa throws up a 66 for a -5.
Rory lurking on 16 at -3 This is so great!!!

Anonymous said...

CORRECTION Rory just poured in a six foot birdie putt on 16 he's -4!!

Anonymous said...


Uh, yeah, that's what happens to people who say unfavorable things about transgender people or "misgender" them or use the wrong pronouns.







Anonymous said...

Day three Rump. US Open. No Phil no problem. We have some great players in contention and some young guns shooting for their first major like a young Michael Campbell in 2005 who disappeared after his US Open win.

Celtics Fan said...

GOOD MORNING MIAMI HEAT FANS and Miami Marlin fans and Fla Panther Fans and North Miami Dolphin fans. Hahahaha. You'll be supporting your Marlins today watching as they play the Mets in Queens, right? HA!
Meanwhile here in the greatest city on earth, the HUB of the world, Boston Mass, I will be going to Fenway to see the Sox play the Cardinals. See here in Boston we actually go to games other than game seven. We have the US OPEN being played here. We are celebrating the Celts for giving us a wonderful season, and we are eagerly anticipating the NFL season. You can identify with that right? Dolphin Fans know what it's like to win a super bowl or two. Well, Dolphin Fans over the age of 58 that is. HAHAHAHAHAHAH because since then, despite a massive Dan Marino flop in the super bowl to the Redskins, nothing for you guys, which means those hip hop fancy foo foo restaurants on the tip of so Be will be full of erstwhile Fins fans on Sunday afternoons because as we all know- no championship no fanship- that's the Miami Motto. You guys really missed the boat these last 15 or so years as Brady and the Pats filled their trophy cases. Lots of AFC home championships you front running phonies would have loved to be at cheering you little fake Miami hearts out.

So have a great holiday weekend MIAMI HEAT FANS and all you balding overweight middle age Miami guys chasing trophy wife three age 25 in your Porsche convertibles with your faux gold rolex on your pasty white wrists while everyone else is laughing at you.
Celts fan out.

Anonymous said...

Just a couple points of rebuttal //

1st chicks from Boston are pale white and fat. No wonder the bars close at 2am.
2nd Billy Bobby once said if u ain't first u last.
3rd A heat / golden state final at least would have been exciting. The final game was shit. Boston didn't show in game 5 or 6. Game six was over in the middle of the 4th q.

Anonymous said...

11:06am-- what exactly is wrong with a balding overweight middle age guy wanting a hot trophy wife?

Anonymous said...

The level of hate and vitriol, not to mention honesty, is a bit frightening.

Pronouncity said...

Multigender identities include bigender (two genders), trigender (three genders), quadgender (four genders), quintgender (five genders), polygender (many genders), pangender (all genders), omnigender (all genders individually) and genderfluid (variable gender).

Multigender people may experience two or more gender identities at the same time, or their gender identity may change over time (genderfluid). The gender identities they experience may be male, female, non-binary, or genderless.

Terms used in connection with genderfluid: agenderfluid, fluidqueer, xenofluid, demifluid, lunagender, nuncgender, mutogender, magifluid, alysgender, cassfluid, quasifluid, cluttergender, parafluid, exofluid, condigender, demiofluid, occufluid, noenfluid, gendergryph, and genderund.

Thank goodness, I will be dust in a few decades. Not looking to see what things will become down the line.