Item: NYC Bans Trans-Fats.
NY Supreme Court, Queens, Special Term, Part 49. Food-Court. June, 2010.
Clerk: "The People vs. Donald Haynes."
ADA: "Your honor, the Defendant was seen at a known TF den with a French Fry in his hand. The under cover officer infiltrated the kitchen, clearly identified himself as a member of the Food Police. He ordered everyone to drop the fries, and step away from the ketchup.
The Defendant was seen running out the backdoor and dropping French fries from his hand by members of the support team that had set up a perimeter outside the fry den."
Legal Aid Lawyer: "Judge, this is another of those fry-dropsy cases. How many people would drop a French fry in this day and age in front of a uniformed member of the food police? Clearly, the foodies raided the home, where my client was an invited guest, and without probable cause to believe their was a high-fat content dangerous food item (HFCDFI) conducted a stop and frisk. Also, may I remind the court about the recent sugar decision by Chief Justice Roberts, where he court affirmed that the government’s interest in food was limited by…"
Judge: " Counselor. I do not need to be reminded about the sugar case. I have heard the same argument twenty times a day for the last week since the case was decided. [To the Prosecutor] What are the People looking for here?"
ADA: "Judge, the defendant is clearly twenty pounds overweight. His HDL is below 100 while his LDL is a shocking 180. His total cholesterol level is 268, 3 points below habitual fat offender status. Also he may have an alias and might be on probation for eating at McDonalds with a suspended license. I recommend he remain in custody on an all fruit diet for the next twenty days during which the People will check his identity and his cholesterol will be lowered 10 points. "
Defendant: "I ain’t taking no more Lipitor, it gives me the runs. "
Judge: "Mr. Hayes, you might want to remain silent and let your attorney speak for you. She has a cholesterol level of 145 and her LDL is below 40, so you’re in very good hands."
Defendant: "She look too skinny for me, plus she tried to make me eat an apple before court."
Judge: "Keep it up Mr. Haynes and I’m going to start considering some brown rice sanctions. [To the Prosecutor] Priors?"
ADA: "Possession of a Pizza with whole cheese in 2009 and again in February of this year. A few fried fish charges which were mostly dropped, and uhho….a dealing in Velveeta for which he did some time."
Defendant: "They never caught that cheese on me man, it was with some dude I met."
ADA: " And he just happened to have some crackers with trans-fat on him at the time. Your honor, the People see this as an escalating pattern of eating and stand by their request."
Judge: "Ok everyone, enough. Mr. Haynes, If I let you out, will you promise to be here in twenty days?"
Defendant: " Yes your honor."
Judge: " And will you get that cholesterol down ten points by then?"
Defendant: "Yes Judge."
Judge: "He just might be a candidate for Judge Rosen’s French Fry Court. He has never been caught with fries before, and we might be able to nip this thing in the bud. But Mr Haynes, if I give you this chance, you better apply yourself. Judge Rosen will have you tested every day, plus therapy, and fruit salad twice a day. This is your last chance, so don’t blow it on some golden arches fry den, you hear me?"
Defendant: " Yes your honor. "
Judge: "Transfer to Fry Court. Next case."
Clerk: "People versus Sanchez, trafficking in Dairy Products, possession with intent to sell chicken McNuggetts, and running a fried food lab. "
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