Dear Diary.
Best president ever.
No one's ever seen a president like this one.
Big tax reform. Biggest ever. No one could do tax reform like this.
Big steel tariffs. Biggest ever. No one has ever seen tariffs like this.
Best tariffs ever. They say it couldn't be done. The experts said it shouldn't be done. That it would ruin the economy. But what do they know? Have they run hotels into bankruptcy? No. Have they run a successful Trump-Wine, Trump-Steak, Trump-Water, and Trump-College business? No.
So I know tariffs. Terrific, beautiful, wall-building tariffs.
Memo to self: tariffs on Mexicans? Tariffs on Muslims? Tariffs on Hillary? Tariffs on CNN and the failing NY Times? Could be done. Would be beautiful. Amazing.
Very fun week. Fired Hope. Fired Gary. Fired that Mexican Gardner who grew flowers for Obama. He was hiding for a while in the sheds, but I had the NSA fly a satellite overhead and we nailed him like we nailed Bin-Laden. Obama takes credit for that. But we did that. Not Obama. Trump. Fake News says Obama killed Bin Laden. But Fox news knows it was me. Bullet to his head while he tried to shoot me. Anyway, found this Pedro gardener and I had the 82nd airborne do a drop and I came running out screaming "Pedro you're fired!" It was a thing of beauty. No one's ever seen anything like it.
Big Big News. There were some stormy times with North Korea. Oooops. Not Stormy. Can't use the Stormy word. That's a big fake media thing. Anyway, we had some tough times with Rocket Man. Then he asked to talk to me. ME! Not Hillary. Not Obama. Not Richard Nixon or Jared or General Patton. But me. And I said yes. Then no. Then yes. Then maybe. No one knows but me. ME! I know.
So I'm going to meet the head of North Korea. Mao Zedong. Lil Ol'Rocket Man. Sushi-eatin North Korean Jap. Should have nuked him when Patton Nuked Japan. I'm going to have Elton John sing his rocket man song when we meet. On TV. Fox. A special. Trump meets Rocket Man Mao. Will get terrific ratings. Gonna need a host. One of those Fox babes in the short skirts. Not Stormy. But another one.
Big rally in Pennsylvania on Saturday. I won Pennsylvania. Won it all. No one's ever seen a win in Pennsylvania like the one I won. Biggest line was death penalty for drug dealers. Lots of applause. So I've been thinking...
Death Penalty for Murderers. Death Penalty for ANY crime committed by a Muslim or a Mexican. First that, then expand to all Arabs and all South Americans not just Mexican South Americans. Death Penalty for Speeding. Speeding kills. Death penalty for vandalizing a Trump Golf Course. And of course Death Penalty for Media. No one loves the First Amendment more than me. But enough is enough. So all news=death. Also Death Penalty for Hillary. No more lock-her-up. Now it's zap-her! Plus her husband. A president who cheated on his wife....scratch that. Bill's fine. Just Hillary.
Death Penalty for having an affair. No one loves marriage and woman more then me. If a man has an affair. Death penalty.
And Pedro that White House gardener. Let's grab him and kill him and then deport him. And Jeff Sessions. And The Secretary of State, whaz his name? Kill em too. And Bannon. And Vermont. Vermont Didn't Vote for me. Death penalty to everyone who didn't vote for Trump.
It's been a great week diary. Full of love and life and success. And the Death Penalty. A beautiful wall tariff death penalty. Best President thing ever.
DJT.
Dear Diary:
Best week ever of greatest presidency ever.
Loving the Rocket Man quip. They loved me at the UN. It was so quiet during my speech, you could hear a pin drop. That's how much they loved it. None of that polite clapping junk.
But this week is all about the National Anthem. I love being the president who defends the national anthem. Obama never did that. Neither did Bush. Or his brother the other Bush.
I know more about the first amendment than any lawyer alive. It doesn't cover free speech at work. When you're at work, you have to do what your boss says. Or...and this is my favorite...you're fired!
And that's all I was saying in my speech in Atlanta. When Benjamin Franklin was drafting the first amendment, he never meant it to be applied during work. You can say whatever you want when no one is listening. That's what free speech is. And, excuse me but kneeling isn't speech. It's a physical action, so duh! It's not speech and no first amendment. Otherwise, first amendment? Repeal and Replace!!
When our greatest general ever, George Patton was about to invade Japan, he gave a speech that what they were fighting for was for the young boys back home, on freshly cut fields of grass, about to play little league baseball and football and who were standing for the national anthem. That's what the invasion was about. And when some solider didn't agree, Patton SLAPPED HIM!
That's what I am talking about. NFL owners should slap those players who sit during the national anthem. Then fire them.
What we need is more Patton and less...what ever is not Patton and that means less sitting during the national anthem.
Memo to whoever is my chief of staff: After repeal and replace we need new law: Everyone must stand during the national anthem and if they sit they lose their health care and face a mandatory...five...no ten years in prison with NO PAROLE. And then deportation to Mexico after paying a five ...no ten thousand fine to pay for the wall.
I love this job! And I'm so damn good at it!
DJT.
Dear Diary,
What a great amazing covfefe week!
But for this covfefe relapse of my tourettes covfefe covfefe It would have been perfect.
Went to Europe and the Middle East and also Israel.
Met the covfefe Pope.
Told the president covfefe of Germany that she was covfefe covfefee.
Gonna fix global covfefe warming. I'm so much smarter than the generals on this covfefe problem.
It's so covfefe simple. Air Conditioning! Covfefe.
Start with the antarctic, you know, the north pole area. Roll out some covfefe ginourmous AC units. Plug em in and set them to 40. That will bring down the temp.
Then to Saudi Arabia. I have to admit it was warmer there than I realized. But build some ACs (make america great covfefe again) in Tennessee and Detroit. Ship em to Zimbabwe Arabia, and turn them on. End of problem. I'm a covfefe hero. Withdraw from the Paris accords. Who makes a treaty in Italy anyway covfefe? All the Italians do is drink that tiny coffee covfefe and make pizza. What do they know about global warming?
Final piece of the puzzle. Everyone with AC in their house or car opens the door for an hour a day. AC your neighborhood. It's going to be amazing. No one's ever seen an idea like this.
Memo to self: Invest in room heaters company. It's going to be real cold real soon.
Back home. Tried to fire the FBI guy, but realized I don't covfefe have one yet. So I'm adding Chris covfefe Christy to the list. Hire em. Fire em. Made a living on TV that way.
Bestest week ever. Until next week.
Covfefe.
Dear Diary: I'm in Arabia! And life is grand.
Landed after a long flight. (Memo to self- complain about travel times to air force guys. We can speed this up.)
Everyone on the flight was tense. Special prosecutor stuff. I've about had it with that. I'm the president. And I was on a TV show. I can fire anyone. This Muller guy better watch his step or he's history.
Anyway, landed here and they have my picture everywhere! On billboards. Buildings. Just like Atlantic City when I had the casinos. Then I got this medal. Gold. Bigger than the one they gave Obama (I checked).
I got Jared working on this jewish issue. Seems pretty simple. Nothing money and a few buildings can't cure. Basically I said to the King- King, howz about we sell you some F-B52's- the ones Patton used, and build a Trump tower here and you make nice with the jews? In fact, they love to eat. Open a few bar-be-que joints. Not many pig places here in the middle east. Not sure why. Anyway, I'll negotiate the leases. Ten years, 2% escalator, get that Net Yahoo guy in Israel to lean on the owners and keep the rent down and we'll all make some money.
I'm also going to the Vatican. Wait until the Pope gets a load of Melania! They tell me he's an old guy. Wife probably died a few years ago. I'll have M wear something low cut. It will be great.
I've decided to fire Spicer. Can't have a member of the greatest presidential people being made fun of every week on saturday night live. The whole country is talking about it and they have such low ratings. But he's gone and I'm going to fire anyone else they make fun of. That will show them.
I'm still working on firing Paul Ryan. He rubs me the wrong way. And I'm thinking Clint Eastwood for FBI director. A little Dirty Harry for the country. Then I'll say to Paul Ryan ...go ahead punk, you want health care? Well, bring the bill up for a vote. Are you feeling lucky punk? Well, are ya?
Off to dinner and then maybe we'll fly to North Korea. Should be near by. I can fix things with that nut-job. No, not the nut-job Comey, the other nut-job, the guy who's the head of Japanese.
DJT.
Dear Diary...simply put, the best week ever!!!
Here's how the week went down. Last weekend I was in a bit of a bad mood. And nothing makes me feel better than firing some people. So first Manuelo, who's staff at my golf club in New Jersey brought me two scoops of ice cream for my dessert Saturday night. I have given specific instructions that I am to be give two and one half scoops of ice cream with my dessert. I made that very clear from day one. "Manuelo, you're fired!" Then I had the secret service hustle him out. I felt a little better.
Sunday morning I saw that little so and so Peter Ryan on the news shows. Thinks he's a big shot being speaker of the congress and all. So I called him up I did. "Petey, you're fired. I'm making changes in the senate."
"Mr. President" he says, "You can't fire me, I was elected."
"Elected" I sneer. Did you see my inauguration crowds? Bigger than yours and Obama's. "You're fired" then I slammed down the phone and called my chief of staff and told him I fired the speaker of the senate and I wanted him out by Monday and Jared in as speaker. My chief told me I couldn't do it and I admit that made me angry.
So then I wondered what the vice president was up to? Where was he when I was working all weekend? It was time for a change I decided so I called John McCain. "John" I said, "you're out as vice president." Then I slammed down the phone and told Priebus what I did. Then he told me I couldn't fire the vice president and then my phone rang and the person said SENATOR John McCain was on the other end. The whole world is going crazy, Diary. People don't even know what jobs they have in my administration. I have a lot of work ahead for me.
I have to admit that by Monday morning I was in a really foul mood. I needed to make changes. The guy who cleans the golf carts at the club? OUT. The guy who drives me? OUT. The guy who replaced Manolo? OUT. But it just didn't feel right. I wanted to fire someone big. Ginsberg at the Supreme Court. But she didn't take my call. Bernie Sanders, but his staff said he was in the garden working.
And then, out of the blue, I remembered that guy from the FBI. Causing all the trouble with the fake Russian investigation. Wouldn't pledge loyalty to me and Barron and Melania. I called in all my important people. Priebus. Ivanka. Her husband whazhisname. The guy who replaced the guy who replaced Manolo.
"I've got a big announcement. I'm going to make a change at the FBI. I want a new director. The old one is fired."
Diary, everyone got real happy. They patted me on the back. Told me I was being decisive. A real president. Obama never fired the FBI guy. Neither did Bush or Reagan or Lincoln or Washington. Only me. Which makes me the best president ever. The guy who replaced the guy who replaced Manolo brought me THREE scoops of ice cream. I turned to my chief of staff and in my best presidential voice said "Get Chuck Schumer on the phone. Tell him he's FIRED!"
Then I felt so good I went out and shot a 92 on the front nine. And the best part was the guy who replaced the guy who replaced Manolo gave me a 32.
Bestest week ever Diary, until next week that is.
DJT.
Dear Diary, coming up on 100 days as the big kahuna. The Big cheese. El Jefe. Da man. That's me!
Got a guy on the supreme court. Voted to allow an execution in Arkansas. Only sad part was the scum executed wasn't Mexican. Oh well, better luck next time.
100 days- promised to end Obama care on day one. Oh well.
Promised to build wall on day one. Oh well.
Promised to stop North Korea from launching missiles on day one. Oh well.
Promised to rip up Iran deal on day one. Oh well.
Promised tax cuts on day one. Oh well.
Promised to expose global warming as chinese fake news on day one. Oh well.
Promised to lock-up Hillary on day one. Oh well.
Promised to declare China a currency manipulator on day one. Oh well.
Promised to end World Bank on day one. Oh well.
Promised to not interfere in regional conflicts like Syria. Oh well.
Promised to withdraw from NATO on day one unless Germany paid fair share. Oh well.
Here's what I did do...
Biggest inauguration ever. What will good health care do for the average american versus his president having the biggest crowds ever? I mean really, I know what's important.
Re-did the drapes in the Oval. Obama had such bad taste.
Lots of golf.
Lots of Mar-a-lago.
Oh yeah...
Did bomb Syria.
Did threaten Australia.
Did insult German leader whaz-her-name by not shaking her hand. That sent a message. New sheriff in town. Can't push me around the way Bin Laden did with Obama. Which reminds me, when we catch Bin Laden it's going to be a big deal. Going to put him on a reality TV show. Make him work on wall with Mexico. Etc. Calling Mark Burnett later for ideas.
Did insult all US intelligence agencies.
Did have Patriots to white house. Super Bowl guys. Winners. Like me.
Everyone is saying this is the best presidency ever. That no one has ever seen a presidency like this one. Loving that.
Job is good. Golf game improving.
Gotta go. Treasury guy apparently has Mexican Amex card...gonna charge like 100K to start work on the wall. That will show them! Plus the travel points go to Ivanka and Jared.
Phone call later with Putin...got some good stuff cookin on French Election. Le Pen is our gal.
First state dinner with Mayor of Newark, New Jersey. State Dept said we can't have state dinner with local mayor. But I say yes. Burgers. Taco Bell.
DJT.
Dear Diary,
So many countries to blow-up...so little time.
I just discovered something amazing this week. All I have to do to blow something or someone up is ask! I mention a missile attack, and WHAMO! a whole bunch of men and women scramble into action and soon they are showing me these neat pictures from satellites about the stuff I can blow-up and then all I have to do is say "blow em up General" and a few minutes later, they're gone! Where were these people when I was fighting with Ed Koch in New York? Not to mention Rosie O'Donnell and all those women claiming I groped them. Ah, well, timing is everything.
Met the chinese guy this week. Xi, or Che or something like that. He flew to meet me in West Palm. Had dinner. Served him an American steak. My grandkids sang him a song in chinese. Cute kids. Sally or Susie or something other name like that.
Bannon and my daughter's husband are fighting. Jared or Jarrod or something thing like that. I told them "hey guys, cut that out!" Then just before they met, I sent Bannon a note: "that little shit is talking behind your back." Then I sent Jerry a note "That fat Bannon says you're a liberal." Then I sat back and watched the fireworks. This is some much fun.
I'm send Rexie to Russia. Give Putin hell, I told him. Then I called Vlad and said "Rex is a pain in the ass, straighten him out for me will ya pal?"
Now I'm going to watch the fireworks this week.
Next week I get Paul Ryan and the Vice President, Mike or Matt Penny or something like that fighting. This is fun. I love being the bestest President ever. Also, gonna fix health care. Told Ryan the conservatives were out to get him. Told the conservatives to help me remove Ryan. This is just the best job ever. Before I go to Israel I'm going to get the President fighting with the Pope. That will be real fun.
Until then diary, if it's Sunday then I have to watch Meet the Press and make fun of Chuck Bob, or Todd or Hodd, or something like that.
DJT.
Dear Diary... another big win this week. Destroyed Obama-care by not passing a new health care bill. Now everyone will see Obama-care fail and we will have a new health care bill.
I promised to repeal and replace Obama-care on day one...just never said when I would start counting.
Enemies list: Freedom caucus. Doofus idiots. Wait until they need me...just wait. Oregon. They're so smug up there. I'm sure their behind this health care mess. Also Thailand. The CIA. The FBI. Turns out they were bugging me. Recording me as I spoke with my pal Vlad.
To Do list: Withdraw from Nato. Ditto the UN. That property on the east side would make an amazing Trump Tower. The best. Call it Trump Tower UN. No one will ever see anything like it. An entire building devoted to cultures from around the world...and only Americans will be allowed to live in it. We'll have a Taco Bell, a Wo-Hops, a pizza joint, a sushi- place, maybe even an Indian take-out. Total world culture...all for us.
That's enough for now diary. Next week I'm going to get a tax bill passed by failing to make payments on the deficit. Then threaten a nuclear conflagration in Asia, belittle a state legislator in Arkansas because I can, and get my picture taken on a pony on the white house lawn.
I love being president. So much fun to win.
DJT.
Dear Diary....Hawaii is a State? Who knew? And they have judges? I just figured they have like tribal counsels like on Survivor, which by the way, is an okay reality show but not nearly as good as the Apprentice when I hosted it. Everyone says that. I don't trust any state where you can't get a good bagel or deli. Whoever heard of a pastrami sandwich with pineapples?
Meanwhile, now I have some wacko Judge canceling my travel ban. Pretty soon people will be able to travel to and from wherever they want. Whoever heard of that? What a disaster! And only I can save everyone.
We're canceling PBS. Goodbye Big Bird. Good bye Sesame Street. Goodbye PBS Newshour. Next up, MSNBC. No more funding for them. Get Rachel Medows off the air. That will show them to publish my taxes.
Got a new health care bill. Amazing. Fantastic bill. Lowers costs for everyone. Raises fees for doctors. Covers more americans. People can choose their own insurance. It's fantastic. People are saying they have never seen insurance like this. Best part is....get ready...Mexico will pay for it all! Every peso.
Enemies List: Fraggle Rock. American Experience. That guy who did the Civil War documentary. Those Muppets. Hate em. Messy. This whole NBAA basketball bracelet thing. Maybe Obama had time to tell everyone about college basketball, but that's why Obama-care failed and the North Koreans have intercontinental submarines. Avocados. Turns into guacamole from Mexico and Tacos and we ain't paying for that anymore. Girl Scout Cookies (except the Thin Mints. Love the Thin Mints).
Next week we are going to de-fund kindergarten snack time. Why should some coal miner in Minnesota pay for some fat kid's twinkies? Love twinkies though. Golden. With cream inside. Never goes stale. Amazing snack. Fantastic snack. People have never seen a snack like that. Memo to self- new law- everyone gets one twinkie package a week (except fat kids in diapers). Cut planned parenthood funding to pay for it. Love being President diary. Speak to you soon.
Dear Diary...
Daylight savings time needs to go. Saw a great internet news-cast showing that the trail of the idea for time change leads directly to Obama's father in Kenya. I knew it! My next tweet: "Just learned Obama's father may have invented daylight savings time. FBI won't investigate. Stuck on Russia. Whose the criminal?" *
They want to call it Trump-Care. I agree. WH staff says no. I say lets add name Trump to as much as possible. Here's what I don't understand about healthcare. If you get sick, why not just go to doctor, get medicine, surgery, whatever, and when bill comes renegotiate it down? If you can't get it to where you want it, threaten bankruptcy. It worked for me hundreds of times. What's a matter with all these people? I'm baffled. All these discussions about single payer, deductibles...nonsense.
Sunday to do list: Raise rates at Mar-A-Lago. A coke is $6.50? Really? Eight to ten at any swanky place. They still won't put Trump on Air Force One. Heads are gonna roll. Note to self- send Mexico bill for membership to Trump International Golf course in Florida. If they didn't cause me so much trouble, I wouldn't need to play golf so much.
Wiretap Paul Ryan, that Indian lawyer in New York who wouldn't leave, Alec Baldwin, Chelsea Clinton. She's the next danger.
Enemies list: Nobel Peace Prize committee.
Still no whopeee with Melania in the WH. It's always the kid, or a headache, or some maid knocking on the door. A President has needs.
Especially the best president. A president like no one has ever seen. An amazing president who will build a big wall.
*ed note- of course "whose" was used incorrectly. We have a president who cannot spell. See Tweet where he says he was "tapped" by Obama.
Dear Diary... I'm bugged. No. I mean it. Obama bugged me. He had my phones at Trump Tower tapped. Intelligence services did it. They've been out to get me ever since I didn't give casino credit to that CIA guy in 1990 at Trump Casino in Atlantic City, which by the way, was the best casino in the United States. Fantastic casino. Nobody has ever seen a casino like that casino. Anyway...
I know the Oval Office is bugged as well. Obama is doing it. I know it. Here's how: first- the speaker piece was loose when I got to the oval office. And it had a "Aloha from Hawaii" sticker on it. Very suspicious but he didn't fool me. No Kenyan can ever fool a red blooded american.
Second, whenever I am on the phone- I sometimes hear someone else say "speak up" in whisper. Like the other day I was reading the riot act to the president of Brussels. "Don't try me" I yelled. "You're in bed with the Chinese on trade. I can smell the egg foo young from here. I'll send mad-dog Mattis with his tank cruise missiles and wipe your island out." And as I said this, I swear I heard some giggling that sounded just like Obama's daughters and someone whisper "a little louder for the tape."
So I know what Obama is up to. Here's how I'm going to get even. I'm going to call the IRS and while he's listening I'm going to tell them to give me his Ugandan birth certificate. "Hello? IRS guy? This is Trump. I want that Obama birth certificate pronto. The one from Uganda. Call that guy Idi Amin and tell him I got some tickets to the Lion King on Brodway if he can get us the certificate. And also I want Clinton's tax returns, and that commie Bernie Sanders' tax returns. I'm done playing games."
See diary, I know Obama will be listening and that will scare him. I know how to scare people- I scared that little old lady in Atlantic City that wouldn't sell me her house next to the boardwalk.
Enemies list: Colgate Toothpaste- rubs me the wrong way. Jamba Juice- opened up near the white house and the staff is leaving all those empty cups everywhere. The ASPCA. Those mailers asking for money for sick puppies make me angry. Radio Shack. Where do you think the Obama guys got their bugs to tap my phones?
That's all for now Diary. Gotta go fire the white house chef. Again. Caught him putting shiitake mushrooms in the burgers. If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times- no mexican food in the white house for the next fourteen years while I am president! Do I look like Obama?
Dear Diary... big speech tonight. Thought it was a state of the union address and then was informed that it is too soon for me to give one. So Speaker Ryan, that little twerp, just invited me to address congress. It is a congressional address, not a state of the union address. I'm very upset about this.
....
Dear Diary, just blew off some steam. Fired some white house maids I caught speaking spanish. No more espanol en la casa blanca I say.
I was thinking about the state of the union. I hate unions. They're job killers. I am a job creator. So I'm going to give a state of the Trump speech. The speech should be about me, That's what people care about. How many people were at my inauguration. How many electoral votes I won (ALL OF EM!). How high are my poll numbers- through the roof. It is the best month in any presidency ever.
A few final thoughts. I smell a rat behind this state of the union business. A big-eared, born in Kenya, non-american, muslim Barak Hussein Obama rat. And I'm gonna get even with him. Obama care will become Trump-Insurance. I going to erase his name from the history channel.
Tried to fire the limo driver. Caught him making Taco-Bell runs for the secret service guys. Mucho Bigo-problemo with these hombres.
Enemies list. Obama. Kenya. Ryan. Wisconsin. Mexican maids. Those supreme court justices not coming to my speech. CNN. The Golf channel. The archdiocese of Newark, New Jersey. NATO. Holland. Taco Bell.
The Yellow Pages. Candle-Pin bowling. That roller coaster at Coney Island. The Bee-Gees. ABBA. Little Anthony and the Imperials. Chicken Kitchen- they screw up my order one more time and put onions on my chicky-chop and the CIA is going to hot wire their soda machines to make everything taste like Dr. Pepper, which is really so misunderstood. California- go ahead- try and secede- make my day.
Dear Diary...
It's been a good week. An amazing week. No one has ever seen a week like this in the presidency. BUT...there are some nagging little things I need to take care of next week.
First, fire this National Security Advisor guy. He got good press. Smart. Capable. It's rubbing me the wrong way. Where was he when I banned muslims from entering the country? Not here. Where was he when I signed the order deporting Arizona? Not here. Those are the real accomplishments of this presidency and what the fake press should be writing. He's gone. Ralph, the head doorman at Trump Tower handled the security for my lobby for ten years. No crazies ever got in. National security. Lobby security. What's the diff? Ralph is my new guy. He knows not to talk to the press and he's already got the uniform with the big hat. It will add some class to this place.
Second, I have a Jewish problem. I'm not the first world leader to have one. But I've got one...and I need a solution.
What is it with these people? Every Sunday night Jared has tons of Chinese Food being delivered to the white house. Chinese food? That has to stop. China is manipulating it's currency. Doesn't look American if I'm seen eating sushi and chopped suey.
It's always the food with these people. And when they're not eating, they're complaining. The service is slow. The bill is too high. The room is too hot..then the room is too cold. Bomb threats at their schools. Some reporter asked me about what I was going to do about this. Don't they know I got the most electoral votes ever? More than Ben Franklin even. Jews must have been some of those electoral votes. I mean don't tell me New York City doesn't have electoral votes. The place is crawling with Chinese restaurants and you can't get near one on Sunday night and that means...well you get the picture.
Good news Diary. I've fixed the Ivanka problem with Nordstroms. We've opened a beautiful store in the east wing. 3800 square feet of all of her merchandise Nordstroms canned. We had to clear out the situation room for this. But who needs that? There are no situations. Only solutions. John Lennon. Beatles. Real American. Anyway, the tourists will be routed from the Oval Office into Ivanka's store- like when the kids get off the rides at Disney and are dumped into a merchandise store.
Ivanka's East Wing. It's a beautiful store. An amazing store. No one has ever seen anything like it in the white house before. Best store ever. Best Presidency ever.
Enemies list. Real quick. Not much time. Tee time today at 11.
First Amendment. Girl Scouts- those cookies are made in china. Congress. Wo-Hops in Manhattan. Got a delivery bill for 800 bucks. Some nerve. The Vatican. Japan. AP. UPI. Polls.
That's it for now.
Oh.. one more thing. Love those girls who took out the North Korean guy at the airport by spraying nerve gas in his face. Brillant. Winners. We need those gals. We don't win anymore like they do. That's going to change.
I love being President.
Dear Diary--- just a quick update for Sunday morning. Gave a small speech yesterday. Said "Look what's just happened in Sweden today." because of all the non-vetted refugees/terrorists they let in. Swedes quickly responded on twitter and fake media that nothing bad happened.
Fake media not reporting news. Fake country.
Add to enemies list: Sweden. Ikea. Cheap furniture. Takes away american jobs. Memo to self to send in Natl Guard and take that Ikea stuff and sell it at Sears.
Memo to White House chef: "Pepe, please remove Swedish meatballs from menu. Keep those american burgers coming.DJT."
Memo to Ivanka- no more Dancing Queen.ABBA is verbotten at mein Vhite House. I love the whole German accent thing. Freaks out her pipsqueak husband Jared. Back to Sweden- Memo to Natl Sec Advisor (as soon as one agrees to job) "Shoot a few cruise missiles across Sweden. Patton did it and it worked for him.DJT."
Dear Diary...
Another weekend at Mar-A-Lago, the only $200,000.00 members only winter White House.What an amazing winter White House. Fantastic. Nobody has ever seen a winter White House as tremendous as this one.
Obama took all those days golfing and flying who knows where and doing who knows what and it cost so much money and this is completely different because...uh...never mind.
Benjy Netanyahoo- what a name. To be the Prez of Israel and named after a website. So cool. Maybe Google can be changed to Trump? People would say "I'm going to Trump when the next Super Bowl is" or "I'm going to Trump grabbing college freshmen women by the p...." Never mind. Memo to self: Leave Google be.
Enemies list. Fake news media. CNN. Failing NY Times. NBC. ABC. CBS. ESPN (bring back USFL!!). BBC. Foreign Fake News media. Has a nice ring to it. Memo: Prez of Mexico has 49% stake in NY Times and CNN. I heard that on Breitbart and Fox.
That guy who turned down the National security advisor job. And that other guy who did too. And that third guy who turned it down as well. New Mexico. Any state with name of Mexico in it can't be a Trump state.
NATO. Failed. Old. Hitler used NATO to invade London. Historical fact. Maybe its time we and Russia got rid of NATO. If you change the letters in NATO to M E X I C O you get Mexico. Media never reports that.
Hillary Clinton got no electoral votes. I won them all. Even Reagan didn't do that. He lost like four votes in Milwaukee to Kennedy or someone. Media doesn't report that. Woops...fake media doesn't report that.
I agree we need theme for week. This week: enemies of the state: Media. Failing NY Times. National Security Counsel is enemy of people. A job loser. Did Patton have a National Security Advisor when he invaded Korea? No. I don't need one either.
I love the Constitution. I love the bill of rights. All those rights, and we got a bill for it which we paid because back then we didn't have a deficit. We're going to bring that back. Rights. Wonderful rights. Tremendous rights. People are saying they've never seen anything like the rights we are bringing back.
Amazing. Best Presidency. Ever. People are saying they've never seen a presidency like this. The OshKoshByJosh-National Enquirer national poll has me at 93% winning. I'm a winner. Amazing poll. Tremendous. People are saying they've never seen a poll like that.
Final thoughts. Shutting down border with Canada. Saw a briefing. Thousands of jobs being lost to Alaska. Can't have that. Jobs need to stay in America.
Gonna bomb John McCain with a stealth B-99 Bomber. The same one Patton used to drive the Italians out of Australia.
I love being president.
Nordstroms. Nordstroms. Nordstroms.
Dear Diary. I hate Nordstroms. I'm wondering about how they'd feel if the 10th Mountain Division took a stroll through the store?
Gonna tweet. Testing which is better..."failing Nordstroms"..."empty Nordstroms"... "Nobody goes to Nordstroms"...
Memo to self: Call Library of Congress. Get Librarian to give me slogan on Nordstroms. Also...turn Bannon loose on Nordstroms. Whole fake news thing. Hillary shops at Nordstroms. Obama-Care created by Nordstroms. Isis loves Nordstroms. Heard Nordstroms has separate fitting rooms for terrorists wearing those bib thingys.
9th Circuit ruled against me. Some BS about court limiting president's power. They never did that to Obama. Or Nixon. Or Patton. Memo to Bannon- Make me the Nixon/Patton president.
Tweet: "Ninth Circuit has charge account at Nordstroms. Very strange. FBI looking into that."
Worked on the budget today. Lots of suits around table. Deficit, Taxes. All I could think about was Nordstroms cutting Ivanka's clothing line.
Sending Seal Team Six into Yemen. Or someplace like that. Gonna have them drop some Nordstrom bags into the terrorists closets and then take some pics. Bin Laden had a Nordstroms account. CIA gonna leak that for me.
Meeting with Navy brass later. Issues about scheduling Carrier fleet deployments in South China Sea or something like that. Gonna ask the Admirals if they shop at Nordstroms? Why call it the China sea? Do they own it? No. How about the US Sea? Manhattan sea or Fifth Avenue Sea? Memo to Jared to set the map people straight.
Presidential Executive Order #15. "Effective immediately for National Security reasons, no member of US Armed Forces or government employee may shop at Nordstroms." DJT.
Enemies List: 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. Nordstroms. Loud-Mouth Liz Warren-Pocahontas. Martinique. Boy Scouts of America. ASPCA. Puppy-Bowl.
Golf this weekend with Chinese Prez Abe. Or Japanese. What's the diff? Sushi. Chop Suey. It's all the same.
Secret Service shutting down Nodstrom's at West Palm mall. Threats of some sort. Long investigation. Should be open by July. Hahahahaha. I love being Pres.
Gotta go. Gotta set PM of Fiji straight or can you say Aircraft Carrier Patton?
Dear Diary, Things are fantastic. Amazing. Best two weeks of a presidency. Ever.
This statute of liberty thing is a real mess. Give me your tired... the hell with that. Tired is Bush. Give me your tough guys, full of energy, ready to work. That's what I want. Do people even know France dumped that thing in our harbor? France...a country four fat germans pulling a potato cart invaded and conquered. Then we had to have our greatest General, General Patton invade at Dday and rescue the French.
Note to self- find out when Dday celebrates Patton's invasion and take Trump One to Dday France and give a speech. Then spend the night at my golf course in Ireland. How far can Dday be from my hotel anyway?
That appeals court better do the right thing tonight. We have to have courts, but no one says we have to pay the light bill. Rule against me and let them sit in the dark for awhile. I'm done playing games.
Speaking of games, the Super Bowl was good, but if I find out that little snit Jared took my phone when old Bush flipped the coin so I couldn't tweet how pathetic he looked...I'll do something. Send him to Israel for a month. Some jew...I've seen him snarfing down the shrimp cocktails at the club when he thought no one was looking. And its all free food for him. My dad would have charged him...he charged me so why not him?
Bannon made the cover of Time. First for him. I've been on like a dozen times. And better covers. Best selling ever. I checked the numbers. His cover sold real poorly. One of the worst. They won't make that mistake again. Or I'll turn off their lights too. Let them type in the dark.
Saturday night live. Time to take off the gloves. I'm done fooling around. First, gonna order re-runs of the Apprentice with me in charge to air opposite their show. Second, one word: NSA. Lets seem them get numbers when their signal is scrambled.
Melania and Barron are in New York. This is soooo cool. I have the place to myself. Long talks at night with Vladimir. He gets me. He really really does. Not a killer. Just a big Russian teddy-bear. And he has those pics of Russian models that he sends me. All over six feet tall...
Memo to self...take Ruth Bader Ginsberg out to eat. McDonalds. She's a few big Macs from a coronary.
Enemies list. Schumer. Vermont. Zimbabwe. That group of Nuns picketing the White House. Jared- if he stole my phone. Bannon. No more Time covers. EVER! Pence is on thin ice. Needs to back me up more. Ben and Jerry. Worst Ice Cream ever. So overrated. The press never reports that. It's all fake news about me and my poll numbers, not that Chunky-Monkey is a failing ice cream with Bananas in it.
Gotta go Diary. Belgium issued some statement about refugees. Gonna call their Prime Minister. Lets see how they like it when I kick them out of Nato and buzz Parliament with B-52s. Phone call now. First up- triple the tariff on Belgium chocolates. Then ban those stupid waffles. Hit them where they live I say.
Dear Diary,
Things are going well.
Muslims=out.
Press=on the way out.
Australia=a joke.
I'm reducing Mexico to a quivering mass of guacamole. Threaten to send in troops. Tell the world I love Mexicans. Then build a wall. Haven't even mentioned selling express lane tickets. Skip the lines for entry! Disney has it right. And these idiots doubt I will make them pay for the wall. Memo to self: trip to Chipoltes. Eat some Mex. Tell world I love their food. Prime time coverage. It will be fantastic.
OK. Lots to do. That Canadian punk- Trudeau. Beginning to annoy me by taking in refugees I've banned. Speak to Mad-Dog about mobilizing the 4th Armored Division and some war games on the boarder. F-18s can buzz their capital. Why should people in Montreal sleep securely?
Iran= toast. Just not sure when or how.
That raid into Yemen sucked. We will always win when I am President.That's what I said. Need to make sure Obama takes the hit on that one.
I'm not done with the inauguration crowd issue.This is really getting under my skin. Melania told me I had the biggest ever. But she's been saying that since our second date. Sometimes I wonder about her... Vladimir has some satellite photos that prove my point. Just to need to negotiate the price down.
Senate. Nobody understands the filibuster thing. I don't either but nobody cares. The way it should work is I issue an order, Congress approves. Why is it called The Congress when it's the congress and the senate? Need to change that.
Spoke to CIA guys about Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Apparently there's some law about assassination but a nice retirement in some apartment in Bulgaria isn't out of the question. She's a feisty one, Could out last me and then I won't get Judge Bork on the court where he should have been years ago. That will make headlines when I announce that. Thinking halftime of next superbowl.
Senators Graham and McCain...they are pebbles in my shoe. Speaking to Rudy and Jared about them. Jared took out fatso Gov of NJ so that should be easy.
Gotta go-- sending Aircraft carrier Bush to threaten the Canary islands. This is fun. The next carrier built will be named Ivanka...then Barron...
Pres. DJT.