Dear Diary... I'm bugged. No. I mean it. Obama bugged me. He had my phones at Trump Tower tapped. Intelligence services did it. They've been out to get me ever since I didn't give casino credit to that CIA guy in 1990 at Trump Casino in Atlantic City, which by the way, was the best casino in the United States. Fantastic casino. Nobody has ever seen a casino like that casino. Anyway...
I know the Oval Office is bugged as well. Obama is doing it. I know it. Here's how: first- the speaker piece was loose when I got to the oval office. And it had a "Aloha from Hawaii" sticker on it. Very suspicious but he didn't fool me. No Kenyan can ever fool a red blooded american.
Second, whenever I am on the phone- I sometimes hear someone else say "speak up" in whisper. Like the other day I was reading the riot act to the president of Brussels. "Don't try me" I yelled. "You're in bed with the Chinese on trade. I can smell the egg foo young from here. I'll send mad-dog Mattis with his tank cruise missiles and wipe your island out." And as I said this, I swear I heard some giggling that sounded just like Obama's daughters and someone whisper "a little louder for the tape."
So I know what Obama is up to. Here's how I'm going to get even. I'm going to call the IRS and while he's listening I'm going to tell them to give me his Ugandan birth certificate. "Hello? IRS guy? This is Trump. I want that Obama birth certificate pronto. The one from Uganda. Call that guy Idi Amin and tell him I got some tickets to the Lion King on Brodway if he can get us the certificate. And also I want Clinton's tax returns, and that commie Bernie Sanders' tax returns. I'm done playing games."
See diary, I know Obama will be listening and that will scare him. I know how to scare people- I scared that little old lady in Atlantic City that wouldn't sell me her house next to the boardwalk.
Enemies list: Colgate Toothpaste- rubs me the wrong way. Jamba Juice- opened up near the white house and the staff is leaving all those empty cups everywhere. The ASPCA. Those mailers asking for money for sick puppies make me angry. Radio Shack. Where do you think the Obama guys got their bugs to tap my phones?
That's all for now Diary. Gotta go fire the white house chef. Again. Caught him putting shiitake mushrooms in the burgers. If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times- no mexican food in the white house for the next fourteen years while I am president! Do I look like Obama?
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