WHATS'S THE DOUGHBOY AFRAID OF?

 Before we begin, the State of Alabama ( Motto: "Trump Y'all!") gassed one of its citizens yesterday. Anybody care?

When we were in Boston, well before Mr. Markus was roaming the halls of Hahvahrd Lawh School becoming radicalized, there was a small ice cream company in Vermont called Ben and Jerrys that was trying to break into the Boston market. Pillsbury, which owned Haagen Dazs told stores if they sold Ben and Jerrys they would pull Haagen Dazs from their shelves. Ben and Jerry's responded with billboard ads and bumper stickers in Boston with the slogan   "What's the Doughboy Afraid Of?"  At a time when most people in the 1970s didn't use Instagram, the campaign worked, and eventually everyone could eat Chunky Monkey after dinner. 

A Bumper Sticker- sort of like Instagram without the internet

Which brings us to Federal Court and phones. "What's the Doughboy afraid of? When Rocky beats Clubber Lang in the rematch in Rocky III after losing the title to him, he lets Lang repeatedly hit him and responds "you ain't so bad". He was opening up to his fear, experiencing the worst and moving through it.   

So what's the worst that could happen in Federal Court?  A person surreptitiously records a judge sentencing a defendant above the guidelines for going to trial and losing?  "Mr. Jones knew the risks when he went to trial. When you exercise your sixth amendment rights and lose, you pay the price." 

We survived Covid;  the federal judiciary appears strong enough to survive an iPhone.  This is one of those rare occasions when State courts have successfully navigated an issue the feds seem incapable of resolving. It is not like Snaptok is full of videos of judges denying motions to suppress. They just call their balls and strikes, enforce abortion restrictions, stomp on the tattered remains of the Fourth Amendment without social media exposure and move on.  

And all of this is a prelude to a couple of federal trials with a former president that are looming. Any chance the judges buy new robes and let a camera in to broadcast the proceedings? 

 "What's the Doughboy Afraid Of?" 

NEW FEDERAL COURTHOUSE IN BROWARD

 DOM has all the news on the new federal courthouse in Broward, from the dimensions to the menu in the "Upward Variance Venue Cafe" where Beyond Meat Burgers will be sold to help with those "beyond belief" sentences. 

Here are all the fun things you can do in the new courthouse: 

Go to trial; take a plea; research a case in the law library.

Here are all the things you cannot do in the new federal courthouse: take a picture, and if you do not have a Bar Card, bring in a phone. 

As near as we can figure, here are the things federal judges are worried about (in order of importance): 

1) SOMEONE TAKING A PICTURE IN THEIR COURTHOUSE;

2) Global warming; 

3) Putin invading Ukraine;

4) Chinese oppression of minorities;

5) Continuances of trials beyond 45 days;

6) another Covid variant; 

7) inflation; 

8) The heartbreak of psoriasis; 

Just what is their problem? It is easier to take a picture of the Mona Lisa  👩 in the Louvre than snap a picture of a pillar in a federal court. 

"Put your hands up and stand away from the camera. Now take three steps back and lie on the ground. Do not make me shoot you."

Here's how we imagine the security briefing for the chief judge going with the US Marshals:

USM: This week your honor, we confiscated five knives, eight lighters, one bb gun, and one camera phone at the security checkpoint. 

Judge: A CAMERA PHONE? A CAMERA PHONE? Why wasn't I notified right away? You know the procedure. If you confiscate a thermonuclear weapon, we need to notify the International Atomic Energy Agency within thirty days. But if you confiscate a camera phone, we need to go on immediate lockdown, close all the courtrooms, and send armed marshals into chambers to stand guard. 

Other than having perpetual bad hair days, can someone explain to us their fear of cameras? 

FEDERAL MAGISTRATES RETURN TO IN COURT HEARINGS

 In the military, when a General decides to take a hill they issue an order. The Colonel then orders the Major to take that hill. The Major orders the Captain to take that hill. The Captain tell the Lieutenant to take that hill. The LT tells the Sergeant that the General wants them to take that hill, and the sergeants leads his or her troops to take that hill. 

Federal Magistrates in the SDFL have been ordered back to court starting next Monday. Let's hope that in the SDFL, this is not June 2021 all over again. For Judges who read the blog, this is an allegorical reference to a time period just before the Delta variant ripped through our country, when people were vaccinated and everyone was feeling good. Then Delta/ Covid hit and you know the rest. 

It will be nice to see Judge Torres or Judge Louis again, and perhaps to trade movie and music trivia with Judge Goodman. But we are worried this could be problematic. 

TOO WHITE TO GO TO JAIL 

This Capital rioter Texas real estate agent- Jenna Ryan-  tweeted that because she had blonde hair and white skin she could not be sentenced to prison for her actions in invading Congress on January 6, 2020. 

US District Court Judge Christopher Cooper did not agree, and sentenced Ms. Ryan to 60 days in jail, commenting that she showed no remorse for her actions. 

DE LA O AND HARRIS MAKE THE CUT

CLARIFICATION - SEE BELOW  

As first reported on the local ground-breaking federal blog run by Mr. Markus, two state court circuit judges have made the cut to the final six for the two open spots in the SDFL. Click on the link to see the full list of nominees. Judges Ayana Harris and Miguel De La O were two of the six sent out of the House JNC that they applied to. Since there are multiple JNCs formed, nobody is sure what this means. 

Naturally, we have some thoughts. 

First, we think these are two wonderful nominations. Judge De La O's work on the circuit bench speaks for itself. He is known throughout the REGJB as the "go to Judge" when there are questions about law and procedure. He is hard working, keeps current with case law, and his courtroom demeanor and treatment of all parties is exactly what we want in a Judge. 

Judge Ayana Harris is newer to the bench, but she comes with a perfect background to be a federal judge, including a stint with the federal PDs office, so she is well versed in the nuances of federal law. Although we have not appeared before her, the reviews and comments by other lawyers confirms that she has made the most of her time on the bench and impressed all who have appeared before her. 

But here is what is on our mind. 

Can anyone form a JNC? Can there be an Au Bon JNC, a Burger King JNC, or even that great restaurant in the back of the gas station on US 1 and 17th avenue that has all those great wines. Can they have their own JNC? Wouldn't it be nice to interview candidates over a bottle of Rumpole's Chateau Miami River and discuss the important federal issues of the day? 

"So here is a scenario. In 2025 President Trump threatens to issue a commutation of a sentence for Matt Gaetz who has been convicted of multiple violations of the Mann Act.  How does that affect your decision on sentencing? And would you like to try the Riesling?"

And finally this. Circuit and Appellate Court Judges have been nominated for the federal bench. Quick quiz, name two 3rd DCA judges who were nominated to the SDFL bench. Lawyers have been nominated to the federal bench. Has a county court judge ever  been nominated to the federal bench in the SDFL?  We cannot think of any.  

CLARIFICATION- There is apparently some confusion on our question. Of course many circuit judges who were appointed WHEN THEY WERE A CIRCUIT JUDGE, were, at a prior point in their career, a county court judge. We do not recall any County Court Judge being appointed to Federal Court WHILE SERVING ON THE COUNTY COURT BENCH.  We do not think our original question was unclear. Perhaps our readers are just duller then we previously thought. 

THUS SPOKE JUDGE MOORE

 It's not "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" but its another of those "can't miss"..."gotta read" admin orders from our outgoing SDFL Chief Judge Michael Moore. Not sure what is different than the prior Admin Orders, but the scuttlebutt is that they really mean it when they say that jury trials will resume July 6, 2021. In other words its "an order for all and none". *

And we say...well done Judge Moore! You kept the courts running; you kept lawyers and litigants safe by not foolishly demanding they appear in court for trials like some other nameless counties in Florida where masks are scoffed at, and POTUS 45 had the election stolen. 

Wait until you cannot sleep, then scroll down and sweet dreams. It basically says you have to wear a mask in the building; you have to socially distances in the elevators; the courts will keep running and the judges may use their own discretion in setting hearings in court, but are encouraged to use Zoom.  And July 6 is the target date. Grill some ribs and burgers and red hots on the fourth. Shoot off some fireworks. Have some cold beers and ...show up and pick twelve on Monday: "The defense is ready your honor!" Cannot wait to say that again. 

2021-33 Coronavirus Public Emergency - Ninth Order Concerning Jury Trials and Other Proceedings 04-06-21[1]... by HR on Scribd

 

 *Its a literary reference that most likely will go over the head of our robed readers. 

FED CONFUSION

You can't tell the players without a scorecard. 
You can't order without a menu. 
And it's hard to figure out which Magistrate is doing what and  when, when  you go on the SDFLA website and- after much searching- find the duty roster:

First of all when you go on to the Southern District Web site (Motto "We know who you are") there are nine tabs.  Choices. Choices. Choices. Which tab is more likely to yield the duty assignments: "Court Info"; "Attorney Info"; "Judges Info?"? 
Judge's info is the correct choice, but not an intuitive one. 
Once there and you click, you get the above. 

Matthewman? We'll take him...but although it doesn't say it, he's 70 miles away in asbestos-ville  West Palm Beach. 

Reid...Maynard...Valle...they're all on duty. Who's holding court at 10 and 2? And BTW where is their courtroom? No info on this tab. To find that, it's another click-fest. 

Give the feds their due- their electronic filing system is 100X better than the State of Florida's system. 

But figuring out where to go?  It's like trying to find WMD's in Iraq circa 2001-2007. You know they're there, somewhere...but where? 

With apologies to our favourite federal blogger as this is his milieu, but he's not anonymous and we are, and he can't piss off the powers that be, and doing that is our milk and honey. 

Memorial Day coming up. Otherwise known as Trump Pardons his favourite war-criminals day. 

I WANNA BE A FEDERAL JUDGE (in 50 words or less)

Your next Federal Judge:  
Here is what the honor of being nominated to the federal bench entails: 
1) You fill out more forms than the entire contents of the national library of Burma;
2) The FBI crawls through your life with a microscope. Candidates have had their housekeepers accosted coming out of Publix and taken to a van to be interviewed on whether you paid withholding taxes on their salary; 
3) You appear before the Judiciary Committee where you promise to be a good and fair judge and swear on all that is holy to you that you will personally chop with an axe any activist judge who happens to darken your path;
4) You get a recommendation from the judiciary committee; 
5) Six months pass and the white house counsel's office stops returning your phone calls. Some Senaor from pig-snout Arkansas has put a hold on your nomination because you once "rowed" across a river and then returned to "wade" across the same river and he suspects you are actually a Muslim Terrorist planted by the Chinese Government and are part of a vast global conspiracy, hatched in Hawaii at the time of Obama's birth, to infiltrate the federal bench with judges who will only apply Sharia law during the off hours that they are not carving pentagrams into their bench and holding evening Wicken study group sessions. 

Personally, we don't get the appeal of applying. 

But DOM has the full list here, and for our purposes, here are the State judges , in no particular order,  who are in the mix:

John Thornton, Migna Sanchez-Llorens, Thomas Rebull, Peter Lopez, Darrin Gayles, Beth Bloom, Dennis Murphy, Daryl Trawick, Betty Butchko... (we might have missed some.) 

NEW COUNTY COURT JUDGE AND TRISCADECAPHOBIA

DOUBLE BREAKING BLOG NEWS: Guilty of first degree murder verdicts in the Merrick Park murder case tried these past few weeks before Judge Reemberto Diaz. Grim faced defense attorneys vowed to appeal.

A reader posted this BREAKING BLOG NEWS:


Move over, Capitan:Breaking Blog News....Rodney Smith has just been appointed as a County Court judge. Good luck to everyone.


TRISCADECAPHOBIA

We were poking around the new Federal Courthouse the other day, seeing just how far we could get until the Marshals asked us to leave, and we actually got to the top floor, which just happens to be the thirteenth floor. Further investigation revealed that Chief Judge Federico Moreno, complete with the circa 1987 Justice Building wooden sign that he was first given to put outside his courtroom when appointed as a county court judge, was there with the old sign hanging outside his new courtroom.

The rumor was Judge Paul "Take all the time you need to get ready" Huck was going to start his calendars in the new building on the thirteenth floor today.

Query: Just how many clients are going to be happy having trials on the thirteenth floor of the courthouse?

Of course the real luck , as longtime and careful readers of this blog know, is in hiring the right lawyer, as opposed to the lawyer the client's bondsman tells him/her to hire (if you look in the mirror and the previous sentence applies to you counselor: for shame for shame).

In any event, it seemed a bit warm in the building, and the elevators were not nearly as nice as the refurbished ones we have in our humble Justice Building.
How many years late is this courthouse in opening? And they still have A/C and mold problems? And they tempted fate by making it thirteen floors? As Judge Moreno once told one of our clients: "Be careful what you ask for in life, because you may get it."

See You In Court, NOT on the 13th floor (not that it really matters to us. A "not guilty" is a "not guilty" wherever it comes.)

THE UPS AND DOWNS

of practising law in federal court have never been more apparent than in the last couple of weeks. Literally.

Have a case in federal court?
Here are your choices: The Dyer Building and all the mold you can breathe or...
the King Courthouse which has eleven floors, and ONE working elevator at any given moment. Don't even bother saying a word when you race into court 20 minutes late for a hearing. The Judge already knows. You were in the building a half hour ago, and that's how long you waited to get into an elevator.



Meanwhile, the Wilkie Ferguson courthouse sits there like a gleaming glass joke, laughing and mocking the lawyers trudging around it on the way to the Mold or the Stairs. A marshal recently whispered to us that on some days NO elevators were working in the new courthouse. And MOLD is not a word confined to the Dyer building.

(laughing at us?)



Yup, as surprising as it may seem to our federal architect experts, in South Florida, the combination of heat and humidity creates....all together now...
No- not weapons of mass destruction, but nice try Mr. Vice President.
It's Mold. And the Feds have plenty of it.





So there you have it. A nice juicy federal case walks into your office, and after the cheque clears (nobody takes cash do they?) you have a year ( or two weeks if you get Judge Huck) of running up and down the stairs of the King building; holding your breath in the Dyer building; all the while staring wistfully at the new Wilkie Ferguson courthouse, which combines the best (or worst) of the other courthouses.



See You In The REGJB, where the elevators work. And so do the escalators. And even when they don't, it's only six stair flights of courtrooms and most of us can use the exercise