Tuesday, April 30, 2013
ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI
THE CAPTAIN REPORTS:
THE ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI .........
Judge Fred Biery, Chief Judge of the United States District Court for the Western District of Texas, San Antonio Division, has become something of a rock star these past few years.
Back in 2008, ATL (Above The Law) bestowed their coveted Judge of the Day Award. In the process of ruling against Cornerstone Christian Schools, Judge Biery took the Bible and turned it around on them, in a snarky opinion quoting religious texts to refute a religious school.
In 2011, Biery struck again. This time, the SMU Law grad who lists gardening and basketball as hobbies, in a case involving an effort to block construction of a new highway interchange in Texas, denied the effort to block construction and in the process wrote an opinion with its bizarre assortment of footnotes referencing Ogden Nash, Barbra Streisand, the Lone Ranger, Stephen Sondheim, and much more.
In 2012, Biery addressed a school prayer case and ordered officials at a San Antonio school district to apologize for making disparaging comments to an agnostic family. In his "Non-Kumbaya" Order, he stated: "The court does not expect the parties to hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’ around a campfire beside the Medina River. Nor does the court expect the respondents to engage in a public spectacle of self-flaggellation for communicating words better left unsaid. Moreover, the court does not expect plaintiffs to become Traditional Christians, though the court suggests plaintiffs might follow the moral and civility lessons of Matthew 5:39 (‘if someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also’)[.]"
Fast-forward to 2013 and today Judge Biery has the distinction of ruling on a case he has renamed: "The Case of the Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Bikini Top V. The (More) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pastie".
Biery litters the opinion with a host of double entendre's including these gems:
"An ordinance dealing with semi-nude dancers has once again fallen on the court's lap". And, Biery cleverly chooses his first case site from the Bible, Mark 6:16-28 and calls it "The Salome Order". Biery also writes that: "while the Court has not received amicus curiae briefs, the Court has been blessed with volunteers known in South Texas as "curious amigos" to be inspectors general to perform on sight visits at the locations in question"; (referring of course to the gentlemens clubs).
The distinguished jurist closes his Order with this masterpiece:
"Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach .....(wait for it) .....
A HAPPY ENDING" (YES, YES, YES .... HE DID ACTUALLY SAY THAT).
Read the entire Order here:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/138711177/35-Bar-and-Grille-v-City-of-SA-Order-Re-Prelim-Injunction-Part-I
CAPTAIN OUT ........
captain4justice@gmail.com
Monday, April 29, 2013
AY CARAMBA!
Hialeah Police Sergeant Tomas Munoz was arrested over the weekend for possession of cocaine.
Remarkably, Sgt. Munoz wasn't injured. You know how, mostly in Hialeah, defendants will repeatedly smack their head in to the jail cell bars while officers plead with them not to injury themselves? Or how a defendant in custody will throw himself down a flight of stairs, repeatedly?
Well thankfully, those "accidents" that so often occur in Hialeah (Motto: "City of accidents, Ay Caramba!") did not happen with Sgt. Munoz.
What did occur today, according to The Herald, is that Sgt. Munoz claims he was set up.....
by his girlfriend's pimp!!
This is an actual quote-we swear we are not making this up:
"I met a girl- she happens to have a pimp, and we fell in love" Munoz said. "And he doesn't let her be free. This came about because he set the whole thing up."
Remarkably, Sgt. Munoz wasn't injured. You know how, mostly in Hialeah, defendants will repeatedly smack their head in to the jail cell bars while officers plead with them not to injury themselves? Or how a defendant in custody will throw himself down a flight of stairs, repeatedly?
Well thankfully, those "accidents" that so often occur in Hialeah (Motto: "City of accidents, Ay Caramba!") did not happen with Sgt. Munoz.
What did occur today, according to The Herald, is that Sgt. Munoz claims he was set up.....
by his girlfriend's pimp!!
This is an actual quote-we swear we are not making this up:
"I met a girl- she happens to have a pimp, and we fell in love" Munoz said. "And he doesn't let her be free. This came about because he set the whole thing up."
Isn't that the way things always happen? You meet this great girl, and she seems fantastic and you have a few dates, and then BAM! She happens to have a pimp, or a cat, or is a Jehovah's Witness, and the whole thing falls apart.
And you have to sympathize with the poor sergeant. What's a lowly sergeant against a purple feather wearing, cadillac driving, pimp? What can he do? The who thing is just so sad. Hopefully the truth comes out and justice is done.
COCAINE COWBOYS.
Jorge Ayala. Griselda Blanco- the godmother of cocaine. Paco Sepulveda. Centac 26. Mickey Munday. Pablo Escobar. The shootout at the Dadeland Mall. Where to begin? It was, it seems, an entire lifetime ago for us. The names, the snitches, the deals, the cops, the cash. It was a world that no longer exists.
We'd have to explain most of Miami of the1980's to you to explain who Jorge Ayala is and how he fits in with out city's history. But for our purposes, he is a convicted hit man. And now, according to David Ovalle, he wants out after 25 years.
For the whole story, just rent the movie. Or send a tweet to @billycorben, just not while he's a juror.
Boy, that was an unexpected blast from the past.
See you in court.
Friday, April 26, 2013
BATS IN THE BELFRY
And rats invading the PD's office? Not if Rory "the exterminator" Stein has his way!
(not welcome in PD's BHB Building).
From: Rory Stein
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2013 3:19 PM
To: All BHB Building Users
Subject: Rodents
Yes, check out the subject line. This e-mail involves rodents. At present, the jail has a significant rodent problem. They are intending to do something about it. As a consequence of their efforts, there is a decent likelihood that some
of their rodents will attempt to commute to our house. We are enlisting your assistance in doing what we can to keep that problem out of our building. Please do not leave open food or food packages in your office or desks. You can
store your food in your refrigerator (to my knowledge, they have not yet developed the technology to open closed refrigerators). Otherwise food scraps
must go in the trash. Let’s do what we can to keep the mouse in Disney World and out of the BHB building. Thanks for your help.
(Not Rory Stein)
DEATH PENALTY:
Judge Murphy sentenced Victor Guzman to death for the stabbing and killing of an elderly 80 year old woman. The Herald article by Ovalle is here. Murphy's last go around with the death penalty was an override of the jury's recommendation for death. Scott Warfman and Penny Brill for the State and Charlie White and Bruce Fleisher for the defense.
APPEAL WHEEL IN THE SKY KEEPS ON SPINNING.
The appeal you are about to read about here in Lightsey v. State is true. No names were changed to protect the innocent or guilty.
Lightsey was charged with armed robbery and trial was held and the defendant was sentenced on June 30, 2011 to life in prison by Judge Trawick. Lightsey was 16 years old at the time and the sentence of life without parole was clearly in violation of the US Supreme Court decision in Graham v. Florida 130 S.Ct. 2011 (2010). Lightsey's PD trial counsel did not timely object to the life sentence based on Graham. That's the first mistake that has Judge Rothenberg upset. But it is far from the last mistake she is ripping the defense about.
OK- sometimes we all miss some case law.
But Leslie Rothenberg has her rules of criminal procedure in a tither and she is not going to let go that easily:
While defense counsel may not have been aware of the United States Supreme Court’s 2010 holding in Graham at the time of sentencing in 2011, it is clear that appellate counsel was aware of that decision prior to the filing of his initial brief on July 19, 2012, as the initial brief raises the decision in Graham as the sole ground for reversal of the sentence....
under 3.800(b)(2), prior to filing Lightsey’s initial brief, appellate counsel could have filed a motion to correct illegal sentence in the trial court, and notified this Court of the pending motion to correct illegal sentence....
because the error is clear and defense counsel’s failure to properly preserve the argument clearly constitutes ineffective assistance of counsel, the State should have conceded the error and put an end to the appellate wheel spinning. Accordingly, we reverse and remand for the imposition of a legal sentence.
Wheel in the sky keeps on turning,
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow.
Wheel in the Sky, Journey.
We know where we'll be tomorrow. Not in the 3rd DCA, that's for sure. Happy Friday! See You In Court next week.
From: Rory Stein
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2013 3:19 PM
To: All BHB Building Users
Subject: Rodents
Yes, check out the subject line. This e-mail involves rodents. At present, the jail has a significant rodent problem. They are intending to do something about it. As a consequence of their efforts, there is a decent likelihood that some
of their rodents will attempt to commute to our house. We are enlisting your assistance in doing what we can to keep that problem out of our building. Please do not leave open food or food packages in your office or desks. You can
store your food in your refrigerator (to my knowledge, they have not yet developed the technology to open closed refrigerators). Otherwise food scraps
must go in the trash. Let’s do what we can to keep the mouse in Disney World and out of the BHB building. Thanks for your help.
DEATH PENALTY:
Judge Murphy sentenced Victor Guzman to death for the stabbing and killing of an elderly 80 year old woman. The Herald article by Ovalle is here. Murphy's last go around with the death penalty was an override of the jury's recommendation for death. Scott Warfman and Penny Brill for the State and Charlie White and Bruce Fleisher for the defense.
APPEAL WHEEL IN THE SKY KEEPS ON SPINNING.
The appeal you are about to read about here in Lightsey v. State is true. No names were changed to protect the innocent or guilty.
Lightsey was charged with armed robbery and trial was held and the defendant was sentenced on June 30, 2011 to life in prison by Judge Trawick. Lightsey was 16 years old at the time and the sentence of life without parole was clearly in violation of the US Supreme Court decision in Graham v. Florida 130 S.Ct. 2011 (2010). Lightsey's PD trial counsel did not timely object to the life sentence based on Graham. That's the first mistake that has Judge Rothenberg upset. But it is far from the last mistake she is ripping the defense about.
OK- sometimes we all miss some case law.
But Leslie Rothenberg has her rules of criminal procedure in a tither and she is not going to let go that easily:
While defense counsel may not have been aware of the United States Supreme Court’s 2010 holding in Graham at the time of sentencing in 2011, it is clear that appellate counsel was aware of that decision prior to the filing of his initial brief on July 19, 2012, as the initial brief raises the decision in Graham as the sole ground for reversal of the sentence....
under 3.800(b)(2), prior to filing Lightsey’s initial brief, appellate counsel could have filed a motion to correct illegal sentence in the trial court, and notified this Court of the pending motion to correct illegal sentence....
It is therefore incomprehensible why appellate counsel
did not seek to correct the error in the trial court, which based on the clear mandate
by the United States Supreme Court most certainly would have been successful.
Instead, appellate counsel pursued this appeal and requested an oral argument to
address the issue.
Equally troubling is the State’s response. Rather than simply confessing
error and proceeding to a resentencing, the State is seeking an affirmance without
prejudice to the defendant to file a rule 3.800(a) motion to correct an illegal
sentence after this Court issues its mandate, based on the defendant’s failure to first
raise the issue with the trial court....because the error is clear and defense counsel’s failure to properly preserve the argument clearly constitutes ineffective assistance of counsel, the State should have conceded the error and put an end to the appellate wheel spinning. Accordingly, we reverse and remand for the imposition of a legal sentence.
Wheel in the sky keeps on turning,
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow.
Wheel in the Sky, Journey.
We know where we'll be tomorrow. Not in the 3rd DCA, that's for sure. Happy Friday! See You In Court next week.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
TWITTER HACK AND CONTINUATION OF NFL DRAFT
Much like the AP yesterday, our twitter @justicebuilding was also hacked yesterday. So we feel compelled to straighten the record and deny the following tweets you may have read yesterday:
10. Tennessee Titans Rumpole:
The pick here is Guard Chance Warmack from Alabama. 6' 2", 317 pounds. Former Hall Of Famer Guard and current Head Coach Mike Munchak is a natural choice to select the first guard in the draft. Personally, we think the better pick is the best TE in the draft: Tyler Eifert from Notre Dame. But odds are Munchak sticks to his roots and takes a chance on Chance.
11. San Diego Chargers David Ovalle
Still laughing at the draft overreach by the arch-rival Raiders, the San Diego Chargers had tough questions to ponder. Can Matt Barkley replace bum quarterback Phillip Rivers and live up to the legacy of the great Stan Humphries? Can Robert Woods supplant mega-star wideout Eddie Royal? Can TJ McDonald live up to his pedigree and not miss tackles in a pro defense? But after scouring prospects of the mighty USC Trojans, new general manager Tom Telasco betrays the will and desire of Southern California football fans by not selecting from the ranks of the cardinal-and-gold. Instead, the San Diego Chargers, unhappy with the o-line picks left on the board, select Utah defensive tackle Star Lotulelei
12. Miami Dolphins - The Captain
13. New York Jets (from Tampa Bay Buccaneers) 52nd Street Irwin: As the crowd at Radio City is chanting J..E..T..S JETS JET JETS...the commissioner strolls to the podium and pauses a moment as the frenzy of the gang green fans reaches fever pitch. Rex Ryan cannot get over his good luck as Jarvis Jones is still out there. Visions of Jones and Mingo running stunts are making him dizzy. But Rex isn't making the calls by himself anymore. And while Jones is the best pick at 13, the Jets do need to replace Revis at cornerback. Those are big shoes to fill and there are three very good CBs ready to be taken: Xavier Rhodes, Desmond Trufant and Jonathan Banks. Rex and the Jets are still chuckling over the Dolphins misguided decision to draft a corner back who won't even be healthy enough (by his own admission) to participate in any training camps until late August. Then as the Jets get ready to phone in their pick they remember that they also need a tight end and the number one rated TE is still on the board. The time is ticking down. Rex contemplates grabbing the phone and shouting "Jones!" into it before his GM could wrestle him to the ground. The Panthers are getting ready to run to the podium to select Jarvis Jones when the call is made and the ticket is handed to the commissioner who over the din of screaming Jets fans calmly announces: " with the 13th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft (J..E...T...S.. JETS Jets jets) the NY Jets select .....Jonathan Banks, Cornerback, Mississippi State." Of the three available (healthy..hahahha stupid doll-fins) CBs, the Jets love the fact that Banks is the tallest and has soft hands and can run with the rock when he grabs it.
14. Carolina Panthers Carolina On My Mind
52nd Street is correct: The Panthers are thrilled Jarvis Jones is still on the board. But then there are those health risks with his back (spinal stenosis) and the Panthers are lucky that their need - A defensive tackle- has coincided with the fact that the best player is still on the board. Shledon Richardson, 6' 2" 294 is an athletically gifted Defensive Tackle from Missouri. He is a little bit bigger than Floyd and a bit smaller than Lotulelei, but he has a big motor and is a playmaker. The Panthers fill a need and take the best player on their board and draft Sheldon Richardson, DT, from Missouri,
15. New Orleans Saints Bourbon Street Bob
Under new defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, the Saints are transitioning to a press-heavy scheme in the secondary with an emphasis on big, long-armed DBs capable of matching up physically with Julio Jones and Vincent Jackson in the NFC South. Dominic Rhodes was the fourth tallest corner at the Combine, second heaviest, and had the third longest arms. But the Saints just signed Pittsburgh cornerback Keenan Lewis. While the Steelers were frantically calling the Panthers to jump ahead of the Saints and nab Jarvis Jones, Rump doesn't allow trades and the best linebacker in the draft falls to Rob Ryan and the Saints. With the fifteenth pick in the 2013 draft the New Orleans Saints get the steal of the draft and select Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia.
16. St. Louis Rams Fake Risivy
17. Pittsburgh Steelers Mean Joe
Mean Joe is in a bad mood. He is not going to be tossing his jersey to no kid with a coke. The Steelers wanted Jarvis Jones and he's gone. Now the team looks at the tight end from Notre Dame, along with a couple of the cornerbacks and wide receivers still left. The Steelers think about Eddie Lacy the Alabama running back, but decide there are few good ones they can get in rounds two and three. There is a split in the war room. Half the staff wants to grab Bjoern Werner the defensive end from Florida State while the other half wants the safety from Texas. Meanwhile Ben Roethlisberger is telling anyone who will listen that he would love a big, tall receiver. But Troy Palamalu is getting old and he rarely stays healthy for a season and the kid from Texas is just too good. With the 17th selection in the 2013 draft, for the second time in their history (Palamalu was the first) the Steelers select a safety in the first round- Kenny Vaccaro, University of Texas.
18. Dallas Cowboys -Real Fake Former Judge.
The Cowboys need some help on the defensive line. And those remaining cornerbacks sure look nice and some of the wide receivers look very tempting. But there is the top rated player left on their board who they just can't pass up. Fred Moreno is smiling as with the 18th pick in the 2013 draft the Cowboys select Tyler Eifert, tight end, Notre Dame.
19. New York Giants Eli- Eli- O.
The Giants need a guard pure and simple and there are two good ones available. Menelik Watson, 6' 5" 310, Florida State and Jonathan Cooper, 6' 2", 311, North Carolina. There's two good safeties and a bunch of good wide receivers left, but Giants left guard Kevin Boothe is a sub-average starter working on a one-year deal and Right guard Chris Snee is 31 and coming off hip surgery. I would not be surprised to see RB Eddie Lacy also be a surprise pick here, but in some draft boards Cooper is a top ten talent. I like a guard to be 6' 2" rather than 6' 5" because it is easier to get low and stay low and get leverage on the d-lineman. With the 19th pick in the 2013 draft, the New York Football Giants select Jonathan Cooper, Guard, North Carolina.
20. Chicago Bears Clay Kaeiser
Conventional wisdom has the Bears trading down to load up with picks un the middle rounds, and I tend to agree with this, because new coach Marc Trestman wants to put his imprint on the team and needs a lot of young, fast, and talented football players who he can brainwash/"get to buy into his system." This draft is said to be loaded with good picks in the second and third round. If the Bears do have to make a first round pick from the players left in this draft,I think it would be CBMarcus Desmond Trufant, from Washington, who seems destined for a great pro career and would fit right into a solid but aging Bears defensive backfield.
21. Cincinnati Bengals Fake Freddy Moldovan.
22. St. Louis Rams (From Redskins) Fake Risivy
23. Minnesota Vikings- Fake Alex Michaels
24. Indianapolis Colts Caribbean Cigars
25. Minnesota Vikings (from Seattle Seahawks) Fake Alex Michaels.
26. Green Bay Packers Mr. Cheesious.
Is it possible Fake Alex Michaels just picked Damontre Moore as a convert to a linebacker when Bjoern Werner a top twenty pick is still on the board? A 6-3 266 pound defensive end from Florida State, Werner has so much more athleticism and upside than either Moore or Olgletree, it isn't funny. Packers consider safety Matt Elam, the strong safety from Florida along with some of the wide receivers, but Werner is too good an athlete to pass up. With the 26th pick in the 2013 draft, the Pack grabs Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State.
27. Houston Texans Tex An Twon
The Texans are looking for a WR to add to their potent offense. Keenan Allen, 6' 2, 206, from California has deceptive speed and is a very polished route runner. He might not have the potential of Cordarelle Paterson, but he is an NFL starter from day one. With the 27th pick in the 2013 draft the Texans select Keenan Allen, WR, Cal.
29. New England Patriots Cheater.
The Pats become the second team to take a good hard look at Mati T'eo, and the more they look at how he was manhandled by Bama in the title game, the more they don't like him. They're looking at some wide receivers but the defensive talent on the board catches Belichick's eye. He can grab the Georgia Linebacker Alec Ogletree, safeties Matt Elam or Eric Reid, defensive end Cornellius (Tank) Carrradine or defensive tackle Sylvester Williams. It's an embarrassment of riches here at 29.....but with time running out Belichick remembers that Sylvester Williams is a virtual twin of 12 year Patriot veteran Gerard Warren. Warren's career is winding down and why not let him train his replacement? With the 29th pick of the 2013 NFL draft the NE Patriots select Sylvester Williams, defensive end, North Carolina.
30. Atlanta Falcons Rhett Butler, Esq.
The Falcons need to beef up on defense and because of his ACL injury in November they were expecting Tank Carradine to fall to them, and he has. Carradine ran a 4.9 in the combine five months after surgery, so he appears fully recovered. But Alec Ogletree has also fallen to the bottom of the draft and Ogletree doesn't have injury issues. Ogletree started out as a safety but he finally filled out to about 245 pounds. Scouting reports compare him to Falcom OLB Sean Weatherspoon, and that is just fine for the Falcons. They'll take another Weatherspoon and they grab Alec Ogletree, linebacker, Georgia, with the 30th pick.
31. San Francisco 49ers Miner 49'er.
The good news: made it to the Super Bowl. The bad news? Picking 31st in the draft. The 49ers fielded two different defenses in 2012 -- the one where tackle Justin Smith was healthy, and the one where he wasn't. The version where he wasn't provided very little pass pressure, which underlined Smith's importance to the team. Alabama nose tackle Jessie Williams reminds me of a rawer version of Smith in that he plays with ridiculous strength and leverage, and takes on double teams with authority. It's a no brainer for the 49'ers who select Alabama defensive tackle Jessie Williams with the 31st pick.
32. Baltimore Ravens Rick Freedman
1) Alex Michaels did not take a swing at a prosecutor in court this week.
2) Joel Brown has not applied for a county court judge position.
3) Will Thomas did NOT turn down an appointment to Federal District Court because "Congress took too damn long and I got tired of waiting."
4) The Marlins were NOT beaten by a little league team from Pinecrest.
5) The 3rd DCA has NOT created a "best of Milt Hirsch orders we reversed" tab on their website.
6) Milt Hirsch is NOT requiring all pleas to take place in Olde English. "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe..." (roughly translated: "did anyone make you any promises in exchange for this plea?")
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe..." (roughly translated: "did anyone make you any promises in exchange for this plea?")
And Now, the Blog mock draft ( (c) Rumpole 2013) continues:
10. Tennessee Titans Rumpole:The pick here is Guard Chance Warmack from Alabama. 6' 2", 317 pounds. Former Hall Of Famer Guard and current Head Coach Mike Munchak is a natural choice to select the first guard in the draft. Personally, we think the better pick is the best TE in the draft: Tyler Eifert from Notre Dame. But odds are Munchak sticks to his roots and takes a chance on Chance.
11. San Diego Chargers David OvalleStill laughing at the draft overreach by the arch-rival Raiders, the San Diego Chargers had tough questions to ponder. Can Matt Barkley replace bum quarterback Phillip Rivers and live up to the legacy of the great Stan Humphries? Can Robert Woods supplant mega-star wideout Eddie Royal? Can TJ McDonald live up to his pedigree and not miss tackles in a pro defense? But after scouring prospects of the mighty USC Trojans, new general manager Tom Telasco betrays the will and desire of Southern California football fans by not selecting from the ranks of the cardinal-and-gold. Instead, the San Diego Chargers, unhappy with the o-line picks left on the board, select Utah defensive tackle Star Lotulelei
12. Miami Dolphins - The Captain
Horace, I'll trade you two Michael Egnews and one Pat White for your first pick in the draft. (What's an Egnew you ask?). Oh, the Dolphins Draft. Woe is me who gets the honor of predicting what pile of -hit Jeff Ireland will step into this year. The Miami Dolphins finished off the 2012 campaign with a 7-9 season and did not even sniff the playoffs, yet again. From 1990-2001 they appeared in the playoffs in nine of those years; since then, they have been in the post-season only once.
This year the Fins needs are in four areas: OT, CB, DE, and TE. All Fins Fans are waiting to see if Ireland pulls off the trade with the Chiefs by Thursday and nabs left OT Branden Albert. If that doesn't happen, and the three best OT's in the draft, Fisher, Jockie, & Johnson are gone (as they are here), then the Fins will pray that current Fin Jonathan Martin can fill the large shoes of Jake Long at the blind side position. The only other OT high enough to consider is DJ Fluker. So, instead the Fins will look to replace Sean Smith, who left in free agency, and Vontae Davis, who left to visit his grandmother, and the easy money is on a CB out of Alabama, Dee Milliner. Lots of Fins Faithful are pulling for the TE out of Notre Dame, Tyler Eifert or the big Guard out of North Carolina, Jonathan Cooper. As for the D-line, with Ansah long gone, the only other star is FSU's Bjoern Werner. With the 12th pick in the 2013 draft, the Miami Dolphins choose Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama. Captain Out ....
13. New York Jets (from Tampa Bay Buccaneers) 52nd Street Irwin: As the crowd at Radio City is chanting J..E..T..S JETS JET JETS...the commissioner strolls to the podium and pauses a moment as the frenzy of the gang green fans reaches fever pitch. Rex Ryan cannot get over his good luck as Jarvis Jones is still out there. Visions of Jones and Mingo running stunts are making him dizzy. But Rex isn't making the calls by himself anymore. And while Jones is the best pick at 13, the Jets do need to replace Revis at cornerback. Those are big shoes to fill and there are three very good CBs ready to be taken: Xavier Rhodes, Desmond Trufant and Jonathan Banks. Rex and the Jets are still chuckling over the Dolphins misguided decision to draft a corner back who won't even be healthy enough (by his own admission) to participate in any training camps until late August. Then as the Jets get ready to phone in their pick they remember that they also need a tight end and the number one rated TE is still on the board. The time is ticking down. Rex contemplates grabbing the phone and shouting "Jones!" into it before his GM could wrestle him to the ground. The Panthers are getting ready to run to the podium to select Jarvis Jones when the call is made and the ticket is handed to the commissioner who over the din of screaming Jets fans calmly announces: " with the 13th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft (J..E...T...S.. JETS Jets jets) the NY Jets select .....Jonathan Banks, Cornerback, Mississippi State." Of the three available (healthy..hahahha stupid doll-fins) CBs, the Jets love the fact that Banks is the tallest and has soft hands and can run with the rock when he grabs it. 14. Carolina Panthers Carolina On My Mind52nd Street is correct: The Panthers are thrilled Jarvis Jones is still on the board. But then there are those health risks with his back (spinal stenosis) and the Panthers are lucky that their need - A defensive tackle- has coincided with the fact that the best player is still on the board. Shledon Richardson, 6' 2" 294 is an athletically gifted Defensive Tackle from Missouri. He is a little bit bigger than Floyd and a bit smaller than Lotulelei, but he has a big motor and is a playmaker. The Panthers fill a need and take the best player on their board and draft Sheldon Richardson, DT, from Missouri,
15. New Orleans Saints Bourbon Street BobUnder new defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, the Saints are transitioning to a press-heavy scheme in the secondary with an emphasis on big, long-armed DBs capable of matching up physically with Julio Jones and Vincent Jackson in the NFC South. Dominic Rhodes was the fourth tallest corner at the Combine, second heaviest, and had the third longest arms. But the Saints just signed Pittsburgh cornerback Keenan Lewis. While the Steelers were frantically calling the Panthers to jump ahead of the Saints and nab Jarvis Jones, Rump doesn't allow trades and the best linebacker in the draft falls to Rob Ryan and the Saints. With the fifteenth pick in the 2013 draft the New Orleans Saints get the steal of the draft and select Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia.
16. St. Louis Rams Fake Risivy
Not many blog readers realize that Fake Risivy is a St. Louis native who loves some good St. Louis Bar-be-que. The Rams need a wide receiver and I am going to go with the open secret in St. Louis. In my opinion the best WR left is Corrdarrelle Patterson, but everyone -even the people under the big arch- know that the Rams love DeAndre Hopkins. The Rams sent half their staff to Clemson this week to work him out privately. So that is who the Rams select with the 16th pick- DeAndre Hopkins.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers Mean JoeMean Joe is in a bad mood. He is not going to be tossing his jersey to no kid with a coke. The Steelers wanted Jarvis Jones and he's gone. Now the team looks at the tight end from Notre Dame, along with a couple of the cornerbacks and wide receivers still left. The Steelers think about Eddie Lacy the Alabama running back, but decide there are few good ones they can get in rounds two and three. There is a split in the war room. Half the staff wants to grab Bjoern Werner the defensive end from Florida State while the other half wants the safety from Texas. Meanwhile Ben Roethlisberger is telling anyone who will listen that he would love a big, tall receiver. But Troy Palamalu is getting old and he rarely stays healthy for a season and the kid from Texas is just too good. With the 17th selection in the 2013 draft, for the second time in their history (Palamalu was the first) the Steelers select a safety in the first round- Kenny Vaccaro, University of Texas.
18. Dallas Cowboys -Real Fake Former Judge. The Cowboys need some help on the defensive line. And those remaining cornerbacks sure look nice and some of the wide receivers look very tempting. But there is the top rated player left on their board who they just can't pass up. Fred Moreno is smiling as with the 18th pick in the 2013 draft the Cowboys select Tyler Eifert, tight end, Notre Dame.
19. New York Giants Eli- Eli- O.The Giants need a guard pure and simple and there are two good ones available. Menelik Watson, 6' 5" 310, Florida State and Jonathan Cooper, 6' 2", 311, North Carolina. There's two good safeties and a bunch of good wide receivers left, but Giants left guard Kevin Boothe is a sub-average starter working on a one-year deal and Right guard Chris Snee is 31 and coming off hip surgery. I would not be surprised to see RB Eddie Lacy also be a surprise pick here, but in some draft boards Cooper is a top ten talent. I like a guard to be 6' 2" rather than 6' 5" because it is easier to get low and stay low and get leverage on the d-lineman. With the 19th pick in the 2013 draft, the New York Football Giants select Jonathan Cooper, Guard, North Carolina.
20. Chicago Bears Clay KaeiserConventional wisdom has the Bears trading down to load up with picks un the middle rounds, and I tend to agree with this, because new coach Marc Trestman wants to put his imprint on the team and needs a lot of young, fast, and talented football players who he can brainwash/"get to buy into his system." This draft is said to be loaded with good picks in the second and third round. If the Bears do have to make a first round pick from the players left in this draft,I think it would be CB
21. Cincinnati Bengals Fake Freddy Moldovan.
The Bengals have a need at right tackle, and lookee lookee here, there is a right guard just sitting and waiting to go to Cincinnati and practice against new free agent acquisition James Harrison: D.J. Fluker, 6’5” 339 pounds from Bama. And Menelik Watson, 6’ 5”, 310 Florida State, is also available. But the problem is that the Bengals just love Jonathan Cyprien, the hard hitting safety from Florida International who arrives at the ball in a hurry and in a bad mood. This is a close call, but Fluker is just too good a talent to over look. The Bengals choose the big boy from Bama. Who dey? Who dey? Who dey say can beat dem Bengals?
22. St. Louis Rams (From Redskins) Fake Risivy
The Rams breathed a big sigh of relief when the Bengals passed on Cyprien. Even with the earlier pick, the Rams still need help at wide receiver, but like running back, WR is a position that can be very well filled in rounds two through six. Mike Wallace was a third round pick a few years ago. So the Rams take Jonathan Cyprien as the wide receivers in this draft continue to fall (outside of the Raiders who always screw everything up.).
23. Minnesota Vikings- Fake Alex Michaels
Vhy I have to wait so long to pick? It should be I see player, I like player, I draft player and nobody stop me. Vell, I guess I have to play by rules. Vikings need wide receiver. All idiots who pick before me let all deese wide receivers fall and I vill scoop them up. Cordarrelle Paterson is not best receiver at Tennessee. Justin Hunter, 6’ 4”, 196 is better. Vikings take him. So there
24. Indianapolis Colts Caribbean Cigars
Colts love the fact that Fake Alex Michaels was picking for Vikings. His emotions always get the best of him. Cordarrelle Paterson is a top twenty pick. Keenan Allen, the WR from Cal is 6’ 2”, and is a very polished route runner. Either receiver will be valuable asset for second year QB Andrew Luck. Allen is more NFL ready, but Paterson has the higher upside. The Colts have a year to bring him along. With the 24th pick in the NFL draft the Indianapolis Colts select Cordarrelle Paterson, WR, Tennessee.
25. Minnesota Vikings (from Seattle Seahawks) Fake Alex Michaels.
I’m back again, like bad penny, you cannot get rid of me.
Vikings would shock world by taking Keenan Allen. Two wide receivers in two picks in first round is insane. Did someone just say my name? Nah, Vikings not stupid, and neither am I. It’s time for defense for Vikes. Damontre Moore from Texas AM was a defensive end in college. But at 6-4, 250 pounds he will make the transition to outside linebacker in the NFL. The pick is either Moore or Alec Ogletree , the inside linebacker from Georgia who is a one man wrecking crew. More has about ten more pounds on Ogletree and the Vikings need an outside rusher. Dey pick Damontre Moore.
26. Green Bay Packers Mr. Cheesious. Is it possible Fake Alex Michaels just picked Damontre Moore as a convert to a linebacker when Bjoern Werner a top twenty pick is still on the board? A 6-3 266 pound defensive end from Florida State, Werner has so much more athleticism and upside than either Moore or Olgletree, it isn't funny. Packers consider safety Matt Elam, the strong safety from Florida along with some of the wide receivers, but Werner is too good an athlete to pass up. With the 26th pick in the 2013 draft, the Pack grabs Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State.
27. Houston Texans Tex An TwonThe Texans are looking for a WR to add to their potent offense. Keenan Allen, 6' 2, 206, from California has deceptive speed and is a very polished route runner. He might not have the potential of Cordarelle Paterson, but he is an NFL starter from day one. With the 27th pick in the 2013 draft the Texans select Keenan Allen, WR, Cal.
This could be the spot for embattled Linebacker Manti Te'o. But remember why the Broncos got knocked out of the playoffs? A cornerback who let a Raven WR get behind him? The Broncos will grab a corner here and Xavier Rhodes, the 6-2 corner from Florida State has fallen all the way into the 28th spot where the Broncos end his free fall so long as Rhodes promises them one thing: to never, ever , ever let a receiver get behind him in the playoffs in the 4th quarter with the game on the line.
29. New England Patriots Cheater. The Pats become the second team to take a good hard look at Mati T'eo, and the more they look at how he was manhandled by Bama in the title game, the more they don't like him. They're looking at some wide receivers but the defensive talent on the board catches Belichick's eye. He can grab the Georgia Linebacker Alec Ogletree, safeties Matt Elam or Eric Reid, defensive end Cornellius (Tank) Carrradine or defensive tackle Sylvester Williams. It's an embarrassment of riches here at 29.....but with time running out Belichick remembers that Sylvester Williams is a virtual twin of 12 year Patriot veteran Gerard Warren. Warren's career is winding down and why not let him train his replacement? With the 29th pick of the 2013 NFL draft the NE Patriots select Sylvester Williams, defensive end, North Carolina.
30. Atlanta Falcons Rhett Butler, Esq. The Falcons need to beef up on defense and because of his ACL injury in November they were expecting Tank Carradine to fall to them, and he has. Carradine ran a 4.9 in the combine five months after surgery, so he appears fully recovered. But Alec Ogletree has also fallen to the bottom of the draft and Ogletree doesn't have injury issues. Ogletree started out as a safety but he finally filled out to about 245 pounds. Scouting reports compare him to Falcom OLB Sean Weatherspoon, and that is just fine for the Falcons. They'll take another Weatherspoon and they grab Alec Ogletree, linebacker, Georgia, with the 30th pick.
31. San Francisco 49ers Miner 49'er. The good news: made it to the Super Bowl. The bad news? Picking 31st in the draft. The 49ers fielded two different defenses in 2012 -- the one where tackle Justin Smith was healthy, and the one where he wasn't. The version where he wasn't provided very little pass pressure, which underlined Smith's importance to the team. Alabama nose tackle Jessie Williams reminds me of a rawer version of Smith in that he plays with ridiculous strength and leverage, and takes on double teams with authority. It's a no brainer for the 49'ers who select Alabama defensive tackle Jessie Williams with the 31st pick.
32. Baltimore Ravens Rick Freedman
Super Bowl Champions. Just saying it makes all Ravens fans teary eyed. In the words of Mufasa, "it's just great to be king". But even he gets killed half-way through the movie. As did the Ravens defense in the off-season losing six defensive starters including future HOFers Ray Lewis & Ed Reed. They also lost Elerbe, Kruger, Pollard & Williams. The Ravens needs are clear and they include Safety, ILB, and OT. At Safety, two gems are still on the board, both SEC players: Eric Reid of LSU and Matt Elam of Florida. Linebacker choices start with Manti Te'o out of Notre Damne, and two more SEC players, Kevin Minter (LSU) and Alec Ogletree (Ga) (just lost him to the Falcons). The Ravens will also have to take a hard look at Menelik Watson, the big (6'5", 310 pds) OT out of FSU by way of Manchester, England. Head Coach John Harbaugh played as a DB and coached DB's with the Eagles. He understands how to mold a DB into a HOF player. The Ravens need to replace their HOF DB named Reed and with the 32nd pick, the Baltimore Ravens select another Reid, Eric Reid, Safety, LSU.
Thanks Rumpole. This was a lot of fun. Now we can all sit back and see how little we really know about this process and watch the Real draft in action.
Monday, April 22, 2013
MOCK NFL DRAFT 2013
We have decided to do a mock NFL draft with our readers participating in the picks. Below is the first pick and the rest of the draft order, with the readers who have already locked up a team. If the team doesn't have a name next to it, it is available and you can email us and make the pick when the team is on the clock.
4. Philadelphia Eagles CheeseSteak Charlie
Philly Boy here Rump. Bleed green for my Eagles and red for my Phillies. Was holding my breath that the Jags or the Raiders didn't take Dion Jordan. Actually Tavon Austin would have been a great grab here with new coach Chip Kelly's super fast paced offense. But the Raiders grabbed Austin so this pick is now a no-brainer. The Eagles have worked on the offense during free agency, so now it's time to boost the D and get the best pass rusher in the draft. This guy is a beast. Kelly grabs his boy from Oregon. With the 4th Pick in the 2013 NFL Draft the Philadelphia Eagles select Dion Jordan, OLB, Oregon. Wit cheese.
5. Detroit Lions Fake Blake.
The Lions have lots of needs and there is a very big desire to grab one of the outstanding defensive lineman. Shariff Floyd, Star Lotulelei, Cornelius Carradine, and Sheldon Richardson are all sitting there waiting to team up with Ndamukong Suh to make an un-stoppable Defensive line. The problem is that these guys are all tackles. Do we draft need or best player available? The need is for an offensive lineman, but the top two are gone and the next best-Lane Johnson from Oklahoma is not in the class of the other two. The player rated just above Johnson is the Lions pick. Out of BYU, the Lions select Ezekiel Ansah, one of the two top Defensive ends in the draft.
6. Cleveland Browns Al Michaels' Bartender.
Yes, I served Al one two many drinks, and I am sorry he got popped for DUI. But considering the Browns new owner is about to be indicted by the Feds, things could be worse for Mr. Michaels. Things could rarely be worse for the Browns who are always picking in the top ten, and never seem to be getting anywhere. The Browns need a cornerback but Dee Milliner is dropping on everyone's draft board because of a number of suspect health issues. I like Jonathan Banks, the tall CB out of Mississippi State, but he is a reach at six. I really want to pull the trigger on Kenny Vaccaro, the best safety in the draft, but I am going to do a very un-Cleveland like move and pick the best player on the board- there's a new Sheriff in town at the Mistake by the Lake- The Browns select Sharrif Floyd, DE, Florida.
7. Arizona Cardinals Rumpole.
No one wants to draft for the west coast edition of the Steelers, so I will make the pick. Bruce Arians, the new head coach has Carson Palmer as his QB, but how long can that old guy hold out? Arians made a name for himself late in his career nurturing rookie QBs. Roethlisberger won the Super Bowl with Arians as his offensive coordinator his second year in the league, and Arians coached up Colts Rookie QB Andrew Luck to a very respectable 11 win season last year. So is this the spot Geno Smith is taken? Nope. Smith is not the can't miss QB that a team picking at 7 needs. Arians has a new running back (Mendenhall late of the Steelers like most of the rest of the team) and Drew Stanton as a very capable Quarterback who will likely challenge Palmer for the starting job. There's still a ton of great defensive talent, but lately the big boys are commanding the big bucks. Arians knows that Mendenhall can't run and his QB can't get the ball to Larry Fitzgerald if the O-line doesn't do its job. With the number seven pick the Cardinals select Offensive Tackle Lane Johnson, Oklahoma.
8. Buffalo Bills Winging It.
Like everyone else, I cannot get over the amazing defensive talent still on the board. But I just can't help myself. Kevin Kolb, super bowl MVP just doesn't roll off the tongue like Geno Smith does. The Bills roll the dice and take the QB out of West Virginia.
9. New York Jets 52nd Street Irwin
This pick is all about defense. No question about it. But replacing Revis with a reach for a CB is not going to work. There are plenty of CBs in the second and third rounds. Why waste a pick on a corner when you can rush the QB and sack him before he can throw it? The choices here are Jarvis Jones, Bjoern Werner, Star Lotulelei, Sheldon Richardson, and safety Kenny Vaccaro. If it was me, I would grab Lotulelei and anchor a D line for the next ten years. But the open secret in the city is that the Jets love, absolutely love the OLB from LSU. With the 9th pick, the NY J...E....T.....S set the city on fire with the big dog with the big bark for the Big Apple: Barkevious Mingo, OLB, LSU.
The Chief's released right tackle Eric Winston last month, so need and the best players available intersect right at the first pick. The two best players in this draft for value are Luke Jockle (6-6, 306) OT from Texas AM and Eric Fisher OT Central Michigan (6-7, 306). Throw in Alabama Guard Chance Warmack (6-2, 317) and the top three players on our board are all offensive linemen. But there is vast difference between guards and tackles which is why Warmack has no chance being drafted in the top three. It's a close call between Jockel and Fisher, but we'll flip a coin and with the first pick in 2013 NFL draft the Chiefs select Luke Jockle, Tackle.
The Jaguars have a lot of needs. Start with QB- is Gabbert or Chad Henne the guy? They need a pass rusher and Oregon LB Dion Jordan is shooting up everyone's draft board. But this is too early for QB Geno Smith who is not a sure thing and could end up being another Gabbert. Jordan has been injured a lot in college and is a big gamble. There is no trading down in Rumpole's draft, so the Jags who also need help on the O-Line do their QBs a favor and take Eric Fisher OT, Central Michigan. Fisher was the overall number one on at least half the mock drafts I saw, so the Jags get "value" at 2 by taking a 1.
As a life long Raider fan I thank Rumps for the opportunity to make this pick. There are so many talented players here for the Raiders to select. Florida State Defensive lineman Shariff Floyd is the obvious pick. The top defensive tackle in the draft, he fills a glaring need. Dion Jordan, the LB with the most upside is also available. But this being the Raiders, they will not make the safe and sure pick. Nor will they make the wisest pick. I almost pulled the trigger on QB Geno Smith, but there is a bigger Raider target out there. A 5-9, 183 shifty wide receiver who is a speed demon and a playmaker with the ball in his hands. With a QB Matt Flynn in the fold, the Raiders shake up the draft and select Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia.
4. Philadelphia Eagles CheeseSteak CharliePhilly Boy here Rump. Bleed green for my Eagles and red for my Phillies. Was holding my breath that the Jags or the Raiders didn't take Dion Jordan. Actually Tavon Austin would have been a great grab here with new coach Chip Kelly's super fast paced offense. But the Raiders grabbed Austin so this pick is now a no-brainer. The Eagles have worked on the offense during free agency, so now it's time to boost the D and get the best pass rusher in the draft. This guy is a beast. Kelly grabs his boy from Oregon. With the 4th Pick in the 2013 NFL Draft the Philadelphia Eagles select Dion Jordan, OLB, Oregon. Wit cheese.
5. Detroit Lions Fake Blake.The Lions have lots of needs and there is a very big desire to grab one of the outstanding defensive lineman. Shariff Floyd, Star Lotulelei, Cornelius Carradine, and Sheldon Richardson are all sitting there waiting to team up with Ndamukong Suh to make an un-stoppable Defensive line. The problem is that these guys are all tackles. Do we draft need or best player available? The need is for an offensive lineman, but the top two are gone and the next best-Lane Johnson from Oklahoma is not in the class of the other two. The player rated just above Johnson is the Lions pick. Out of BYU, the Lions select Ezekiel Ansah, one of the two top Defensive ends in the draft.
6. Cleveland Browns Al Michaels' Bartender.Yes, I served Al one two many drinks, and I am sorry he got popped for DUI. But considering the Browns new owner is about to be indicted by the Feds, things could be worse for Mr. Michaels. Things could rarely be worse for the Browns who are always picking in the top ten, and never seem to be getting anywhere. The Browns need a cornerback but Dee Milliner is dropping on everyone's draft board because of a number of suspect health issues. I like Jonathan Banks, the tall CB out of Mississippi State, but he is a reach at six. I really want to pull the trigger on Kenny Vaccaro, the best safety in the draft, but I am going to do a very un-Cleveland like move and pick the best player on the board- there's a new Sheriff in town at the Mistake by the Lake- The Browns select Sharrif Floyd, DE, Florida.
7. Arizona Cardinals Rumpole. No one wants to draft for the west coast edition of the Steelers, so I will make the pick. Bruce Arians, the new head coach has Carson Palmer as his QB, but how long can that old guy hold out? Arians made a name for himself late in his career nurturing rookie QBs. Roethlisberger won the Super Bowl with Arians as his offensive coordinator his second year in the league, and Arians coached up Colts Rookie QB Andrew Luck to a very respectable 11 win season last year. So is this the spot Geno Smith is taken? Nope. Smith is not the can't miss QB that a team picking at 7 needs. Arians has a new running back (Mendenhall late of the Steelers like most of the rest of the team) and Drew Stanton as a very capable Quarterback who will likely challenge Palmer for the starting job. There's still a ton of great defensive talent, but lately the big boys are commanding the big bucks. Arians knows that Mendenhall can't run and his QB can't get the ball to Larry Fitzgerald if the O-line doesn't do its job. With the number seven pick the Cardinals select Offensive Tackle Lane Johnson, Oklahoma.
8. Buffalo Bills Winging It. Like everyone else, I cannot get over the amazing defensive talent still on the board. But I just can't help myself. Kevin Kolb, super bowl MVP just doesn't roll off the tongue like Geno Smith does. The Bills roll the dice and take the QB out of West Virginia.
9. New York Jets 52nd Street IrwinThis pick is all about defense. No question about it. But replacing Revis with a reach for a CB is not going to work. There are plenty of CBs in the second and third rounds. Why waste a pick on a corner when you can rush the QB and sack him before he can throw it? The choices here are Jarvis Jones, Bjoern Werner, Star Lotulelei, Sheldon Richardson, and safety Kenny Vaccaro. If it was me, I would grab Lotulelei and anchor a D line for the next ten years. But the open secret in the city is that the Jets love, absolutely love the OLB from LSU. With the 9th pick, the NY J...E....T.....S set the city on fire with the big dog with the big bark for the Big Apple: Barkevious Mingo, OLB, LSU.
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