Saturday, May 31, 2008

WHAT I WANT...

Is a waiter to take my order without becoming my new best friend.
Address me as Mr…..(almost blew it there) Rumpole. And I will reciprocate by using their last name .


I don’t care to know the brand of organic fertilizer used to grow the potatoes. Starbucks is now telling me on what day they roasted the coffee. Just pour the damn cup and leave some room for sugar and let me get on with my life.

I don’t need to know the temperament of the chef, and I don’t care how long the tuna is fire-roasted for. Just cook it and put it on the plate. I don’t discuss the intricacies of cross examination or how I prepare an opening with my clients (“This opening was first used by the Gustav defense in 1967 and it has changed slightly over the years based on the changes in the self defense laws…”) and I really don’t care how much butter is in the roux.

I don’t care what the waiter’s favourite dish is. I am assuming if it is on the menu, it is because they think it is good. And most importantly, there is a special place in hell, with no tips, reserved for waiters who linger and wait until you take a bite of food before rushing over to engage you in conversation about the meal. I don’t wish to share my dinning experience with the wait staff. I really don’t wish to speak with them at all beyond the order. And while we’re talking about the staff, I really don’t care for their snide looks when I turn down a $30.00 bottle of water. I know the water scam and I’m not about to fall for it. I don’t mind paying a small fortune for a lobster, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend a hundred bucks on something that runs from the taps for free.

If I don’t eat all the food it’s not because I didn’t like it, but because they have served a side of beef big enough to feed a town in Somalia. I can’t stand it when I’ve eaten a reasonable amount from my plate and the entire contingent of waiters rushes over as if I’m choking and need the Heimlich. Trust me, if I don’t like something, I’ll let them know about it.

Just take my order and leave me the hell alone.

14 comments:

fake jake thompson's dream said...

ITEM: real Jake Thompson has filed a JQC complaint against all of the Florida Supreme Court Justices.

In his dream, here would be the response:

Dear Fake Jake Thompson

First let me say I have spoken with the members of the Senate Judiciary committee, the US Attorney General, and the members of the JQC.

In a word, we are SHOCKED. SHOCKED that you have sufferred the indiginties at the hands of our so called justices. And of course you are right on the money with the loyalty oaths thing. We are in the process of voiding all of the decisions of every appellate court in Florida from 1948 forward. There will be a return to seperate but equal, and negroes will have to ride in tha back of the bus again. Oh well, my kingdom for a valid loyalty oath as they say.

Anyway, you are the one voice in the wilderness Mr. Fake Jake Thompson. There really is nothing akin to you except perhaps Jesus on the Cross, and even Jesus only had to deal with the devil, and not Dava Tunis. By the way, "judge" Tunis was arrested at 5:00 Am this morning pursuant to a 189 count indictment for perjury. You will be our star witness, so shine those shoes for trial!

Lets see what else...OH YEAH. Judge Lenard called and she is granting a summary motion for the plaintiff on your brillant pleadings. She is setting a damages phase only for the fall. Get that wheelbarrel out for the money you will be hauling away.

What else can I say Fake Jake? Your courage has been a beacon to us all. Thanks goodness your complaint landed on my desk. One of the clerks who has been schemeing with the video game boys to hide all your public record requests was trying to snatch it, but I caught him (and you will note he was 16 years old and had a GTAIV video game and receipt from best buy in his grubby little fingers).

So basically Fake Jake, you have been right all along. On behalf of the entire United States of America let me be the first to apologize and thank you.

Wilbury Marshall, JQC Chairman.

PS. Don't be too surprised if you get a phone call from Stockholm, Sweden. Lets just say me and some of the higher ups in Washington have been chatting about how good you would look in a Tux accepting the Nobel. Keep up the good work, and Jeb says he will play golf with you next week if you are available.

Copy: US District Court Judge Lenard, Case No. 08-20744
Florida Senate Judiciary Committee
Media

Anonymous said...

Ah yes. I also pine for the good old days. The food service industry is now run by a bunch of sissies. I remember years ago you were served breakfast by someone with a cotton candy hairdo who swore like a sailor and who called you "hon." And if you didn't like the meal, you didn't have the balls to complain to her anyway so what difference did it make?
And what about drinking? Now, you are offered double chocolato vodka chilled in a martini glass. And it tastes like a Hershey bar dipped in vinegar and will set you back $15.00. I remember having some old geezer behind the bar who doubled as a bookie serving a six ounce 35 cent Pabst Blue Ribbon with a 75 cent whiskey chaser while I watched the Yankee game (remember Joe Pepitone?) on some TV that hung from the wall. The dining fare? A hot dog and bag of chips with plenty of condiments. Dessert? Beer nuts and more beer nuts. Don't like it? Get lost. And the bartender didn't say much but that was the point of it all: l need to be alone!

Anonymous said...

Penoyer & Neff Productions; In association with "Cupable Y No Cupable" partners, presents "A NIGHT AT THE HARD ROCK: WE THREE ROYS" staring Roy Black; Roy Kahn; and Roy T. Gelber, singing all your favorite songs, including Ice T's "Pimping and Ho'ing"; Billy Joel's "I am an innocent Man" and NWA's "Kill those mo' fo's".
With Special Guest stars the Srebnick Bros, Scott, Howard and Ezekiel 'the forgotten Srebnick" singing the Best of the Smothers Brothers, including their number 1 hit "King of the Road & King of the Court". With Special Guest Star Phil Davis singing the Best of Flip Wilson.

Anonymous said...

All this happened at Chilis?

Anonymous said...

Grumpy Rumpy...still love you anyway

Anonymous said...

what role would former judge shenberg play in the "3 roys"?

Sherlock Holmes said...

Lurvey is Rumpole. I am 100% sure. It's elementary, my dear Watson.

da mish said...

Loved da Mish
Miss da Mish

just dont wanna be da Mish

tryagain said...

there's a place for old curmudgeons like you: at home, eating take out - alone. if you can't stand friendly conversation, don't go out.

and if you think being a lawyer is stressful, try waiting tables. seriously.

Anonymous said...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anonymous said...

"What I want, is for my family to be left alone"

Michael's words to Sillozo before he started shooting

Anonymous said...

are blake and harry reems the same person?

Anonymous said...

Rump, you need a gorgeous, intelligent woman to dine with. Id easily distract you from those annoyances.
Marco, Chicago, LA, NY; today, tomorrow, next month, next year...you pick the time and place and Ill meet you there.
BTW its 9-06 not 9-08.

A

Anonymous said...

1. please be advised that when you use "FDC", referring to the federal lockup, as you did in the post on the Miami cops, it makes my mouth water, as that is the common abreviation for Flor de Cana Nicarauguan rum

2. please add to the pet peeve list all service personnel who respond to each and every polite request the customer makes with "not a problem"-- that is the most annoying and unnecessary reply--if a person who has chosen to work in the service of the public is requested to perform some act that falls within their duties,then the only response necessary is "yes sir or yes ma'am" also, refrain from "it will be a pleasure" as well-- as the customer should not be consumed or concerned with their pleasures or whether things are a problem or not a problem-- I know it is just a figure of speech, but it is so mindless and wrong

also, service personnel, especially waiters and valet parking attendants should smell of nothing more than mild soap, and not leaving traces and fragrance trails of cologne all over ones, table settings, steering wheel, gear shift etc--

please consider this and politely inform these personnel as a pointer for their professional enrichment