Wednesday, December 30, 2009


US EMBASSY, Lagos Nigeria.

Embassy Officer: How can I help you?

Applicant: I wish to apply to travel to US.

CIA Officer: For what reason?

Applicant: I wish to see NY Knicks in Superbowl.

EO: The Knicks made it?

CIA Off: I'll have research check it out. I think the Expos made it too. Why are you flying to Minnesota, is that where the Super Bowl is this year?

EO: I thought it was in Buffalo.

Applicant: Frequent Flier miles.

EO: Sounds good. Enjoy the game. You're approved.

Secretary: There's a man on the phone saying his son is trying to get to the US to do a terrorist attack.

CIA Off: Another one? Jeeze, don't these people stop with the Nigerian bank scams and terrorists attacks. Put it in the file and I'll look at it in a few months.


Airport Security :
Security Officer: I see you have your approval from the US Embassy in Lagos.
What is the purpose of your trip to the US?

Traveler: To watch Mets in Super Bowl, allah be praised.

SO: The Mets have no chance buddy. Favre is way too old. Ok...name?

Traveler: Abdullah Yoseff Mohammed Khomeni-Bin Laden.

SO: Wait a sec- your passport doesn't have the last part- Khomeni-Bin Laden on it.

AYMKBL: Yes. I added that after I became a muslim to show my support for the Iranian people and Osamma Bin Laden.

SO: Really. Hey Ralph- we got some guy here with a last name of Bin-Laden, how funny is that?
Sorry sir...OK. You're approved. Please proceed to the security check point Mr. Bin Laden.

Airport Screening Area:
Screening Officer: Sir. Please wait a minute. YOU- Lady with the baby. Just where do you think you're going with that kid and the bottle? And what's this - Diaper cream? Oh no no no. Not on this plane you don't. That could be an explosive. What's your name? Ms. Smith? Sure, we're gonna check that out "Ms. Smith." You're being sent to the enhanced security area, now please step aside.
Your name sir?

ADYMKBL: Abdullah Yoseff Mohammed Khomeni-Bin Laden.

SO: Oh yeah. They said a Bin-Laden was heading down. Kind of ironic isn't it?
Right this way through the machine.

OK. You're good to go. Enjoy your flight. .....Hey, what's this powder? Buddy. Hold up. You! Bin-Laden, back here. What is this powder leaking down from your leg? You got a secret compartment in there or what? Look at this. I scratch it and sparks fly. Jeeze pal, this could start a fire. What a mess. Do me a favor? Help me clean this up before my supervisor sees this. He'll go nuts. And do me a favor? This stuff is dangerous. Get it all out before you board the plane, ok? Could start a fire Mr. Bin-Laden, and we can't have that.

Ok. Have a great day.

YOU- Ms. Smith. With the baby. Over here. Just who told you that you could bring a bottle of formula on to a plane? Aren't you aware of the terrorist warnings? We may have to delay you lady while we check out your identity......

Item: President Obama criticizes breaches in US Security. WSJ here.


Anonymous said...

i'm a great fan, rump,but i did not appreciate the post nor do i think it's appropriate considering many people could have lost their lives. happy new year!!

Rumpole said...

I'm not making fun of this. It's deadly serious. I don't think trying to kill a planeload of innocent people is funny at all. Behind the "humor" here is my point- which I'm trying to make by ridiculing our current security system is that after all these billions of dollars- after a brand new cabinet level agency for Pete's sake- after security Czars, Intelligence Czars, after creating the TSA- the best we can do is tackle grandmothers with nail clippers, people with babies and bottles, and not stop a Nigerian man wearing female underpants, (See the NY Times OP Ed piece today) whose father called to warn us- and about whom the CIA had received hard intelligence that a nigerian was planning a terrorist attack- after all this- we rely on passengers to tackle him and save the plane.

Anonymous said...

I find it interesting that so many liberals who constantly complain about our allegedly over-reaching government are taking such strong positions on what's happening. Many of these folks are the same ones who fight laws designed to prevent terrorism and the like. Funny how tunes change when reality can't be ignored.

It's like I've always say to my cop friends; no matter how much people complain about you all, they always want you around when there's a crisis.

Perspective is an interesting thing.

Hopefully, more people will begin to appreciate the dangers we're facing and support law enforcement, the military and our intelligence communities before it's too late.


Anonymous said...

please can we start profiling? please!

Flight Attendants for Rumpy said...

I likey when rumpy blogs about national news.
If you are a frequent flier, you can relate to your post.
Not to forget to mention its pretty damn funny.

Anonymous said...

The basic problem is that the Democrats have left a boy to do a woman's job. I am delighted that our country elected am African American president. I just hope we can survive this guy. His reaction to things like this is reminiscent of the famous Democratic nominee who wanted to assure all due process rights to a man who would hypothetically have raped his daughter--in the President's view, a "suspect." What crazy world leader is afraid of this man or what he might do? I guess we better stick to travel by car.

Anonymous said...


your post is offensively factually wrong. I am a big fan of satire and political humor that is offensively factually correct. This is an exaggeration of the facts of what happened in this case. Yes, I agree that our airport security system is a joke. But certainly no where this bad.

I will never support racial or cultural profiling and you as a defense attorney supporting it is shocking. Yes, I do believe that most of the people who commit these kinds of acts are middle eastern or now, it appears, African. But we should be profiling their conduct, not where they are coming from, their name or race.

For instance, this young man bought a one way ticket, cash, to Detroit, with no checked luggage and the CIA was informed that he was an extremist. He should have never been able to board a plane unless it was certain, after a full interrogation, with rights of course, that he was not a security risk.

"Those who trade liberty for temporary security deserve neither and will lose both." Ben Franklin.

Anonymous said...

Rump. Who really is considered the original team to invent and run the West Coast offense?

Anonymous said...


1. Merge them all into one big fuckin list (who cares if its a five million strong list) merge the freakin list to a mega "NO FLY LIST"!

2. If by accident you find your self on this list, Tuff!, You do not fly that day!

3. Provide a way for innocent people to get off the list.

4. Set strict procedures and criteria to get off the list. This way Grandma from Kentucky can be verified not a threat.

5. Give Grandma and others who get off the list special ID to show the TSA agents she is clear and is not Osama's next of kin.

I say consult with those people employeed at the Check Cashing Stores. They take forever and know how to check ya out!

Seriously, Take All The List and Merge them now.

Sorry, for you if you cannot fly for the moment, but we seem to be having a real problem with the new Windows 7 upgrade.

Anonymous said...

In response to anonymous-
The LAST people I want around in a crisis are the police. They tend to make things worse.
As for our joke of a "civilian air defense system", TSA , NSA, CIA, PTA- we need to get real. Turn this job over to the army and let's make sure this never happens again. These mental midget TSA workers are too busy measuring three ounces of oil of olay instead of profiling and making sure we're really safe.

Anonymous Liberal said...

Dear 8:46pm,

Unless you are prepared to give a detailed compare and contrast between the Obama Administration's handling of the NW airlines attempted bombing and the Bush Administration's handling of the Reid Shoe Bomber, then STFU.

Anonymous said...

I don't want any cops around in a crisis. Most are too stupid to be useful. Then, if one happens to do his job well, he is an instant hero demanding praise and adoration and pay raises for other cops. I would take a alpha 66 member too old to walk before I want a worthless cop.

Rumpole said...

10:34- Just how would you feel if your wife and child were on that plane and that piece of scum succeeded in bringing it down and you later learned he paid for his ticket in cash, it was a one way ticket, his father reporter him, and after the billions of dollars our tax money has funded- and a new federal agency- couldn't stop him? How would you feel? Angry. Furious.

Humor is a thin edge of anger. I was not trying to be factually accurate. No one believes his last name is Bin laden. I am parodying the fact that our system- for all the Billions Bush and Cheney spent- can't stop this guy.

Query- do you think he would have made it on to an El Al flight to Tel Aviv?

We need to do something and now. Heads need to roll. The money we spent needs to work. We need to protect ourselves and our ability to travel.

Anonymous said...

10:34 here.


I agree, something must be done. And yes, I would have been angry had my wife and kids been on the flight. Just like if someone raped and killed my daughter, I would kill the son of a bitch in cold blood. But I can't do that. We have laws, rights, LIBERTY.

Here is a fact Rump, we are never going to stop them 100% of the time. It is humanly impossible. So your solution, infringe on everyone's rights, hire 50K screeners for airports and profile people depending on last name, race and/or culture. If that happens, air commerce will cease to exist as we know it, a flight to NYC will cost over a $1000 and we should have to show up at the airport the night before our flights.

We, as Americans, cannot have a knee-jerk reaction every time something happens regarding security and extremist. Rump, you are usually on point with your post. But I think this is just an emotional reaction and not a logical or practical one.

Anonymous said...

Rumpole, he had a round trip ticket, he did pay in cash, but he had a open ended 3 year visa.

I agree merge the No Fly List with the less of a threat list he was on that allowed him to fly and call it the "NO Fuckin Way You Are Flying Today" list.

If I have a similar name to a terrorist and end up on this list (I won't fly that day), I am ok with that, just give me a number and person to call so that I can get some special ID from the government so that the name stays on the list for the real terrorist, at least I can show I was cleared and I am not the terrorist, it's not me.

Rumpole said...

I'm not having a knee jerk reaction. What I am saying is that - especially for non- us citizens on flights originating outside of the US- I am less concerned with rights with safety.

And more importantly this- we can't be 100% safe. Tragically, someone will again get through in the future and cause us harm. But it is the stupid simplicity of this- and that ALL the warning signs our new billion dollar system is designed to catch were all there AND WE FAILED. That's what's got me concerned. They hassle me endlessly over nail clippers and water bottles, and nigerians wearing women's underwear paying in cash- whose name is on a list and whose father is calling the embassy to warn about him- he just saunters on a plane. That is inexcusable!!!!

Anonymous said...

we need both racial and religious profiling in transit areas.

Anonymous said...

I sure the feds will do a much better job running health care....

Anonymous said...


10:34 here again. It seems like we are in agreement. I too do not think that non citzens or non residents have the same rights as Americans with respect to travel to and from the U.S. I also think that our system failed and that $billions we have spent has not done the job nearly as well as it should have.

But, my disagreement with you was regarding profiling people based upon factors such as culture, race, age and/or name. That is it.

Lets pay attention to conduct, fine each airline $100 million anytime a security breach occurs from a foreign origin. That will put the pressure on the airlines to do a better job in non-U.S. airports.

Also, our agencies must communicate and these stupid lists need to be shared with airlines, foreign security services and every national security agency and or sheriffs' department. None of what I described involves profiling based upon factors that people are born with, rather than conduct, which people chose.

Anonymous said...

49ers and bill walsh started west coast offense

Anonymous said...

Great parody on a serious subject.

South Florida Lawyers said...

Happy New Year Rumpole (and Captain)!!

I raise my dry Gin Gibson in your honor.

Rumpole said...

10:34- again- while I agree any lunatic may be any race, I used the absurdly obvious- security waiving a man named "Bin Laden" who said he was going to the US to see the Knicks and then the Mets in the Super Bowl, while security is hassling a woman with a baby.

Could a man named Goldstein be more dangerous than a man named Bin Laden? You bet. But country of origin has to play a part. More people in Yemen and Nigeria want to kill Americans than people in New Zealand or Australia, and that's just the way it is. But we should be on alert for a smart terrorist trying to enter the US through Australia, and that's where the terrorists are thinking outside the box and we're not. And I'm angry about it.

You know - in the first gulf war- even with overwhelming military might- Colin Powell and Schwartzkopf devised a strategy using the Marines as a decoy- faking an amphibious landing in Kuwait- and sent their armored division on a 500 mile trek so that when we attacked - we attacked the Iraqi's from behind them and from the opposite direction they were suspecting. That is the result of people who are smart and crafty and use their brains and don't just rely on American might. We got away from that strategic outside of the box thinking and we are the worse for it.

And by the way- Sid Gillman invented the West Coast Offense, and Bill Walsh learned it from a Gillman disciple- Don Coryell- nicknamed "air coryell"

Anonymous said...

muslims of a certain ilk blow themselves up therefore must be profiled at train stations. if they must be profiled in train stations then they must also be profiled in airports and sporting arenas.

bad religion

Anonymous said...

Is aviation security mostly for show?

By Bruce Schneier, Special to CNN

December 29, 2009 7:38 a.m. EST

Editor's note: Bruce Schneier is an author and technologist who specializes in security. His books include "Applied Cryptography," "Beyond Fear" and "Schneier on Security" and his other writing can be seen at http://www.schneier.com/


Anonymous said...

Mr rump,
i just flew into the USA from another country and the pat down i got included my balls. They were looking for underwear with unnatural lumps

Anonymous said...

"Air Coryell" was not what is generally referred to as the "West Coast Offense" (beyond being situated on the west coast). The "West Coast Offense" popularized and refined by Bill Walsh was actually developed by Paul Brown in Cincinnati in the 70's. Dan Fouts could never run Walsh's "West Coast Offense" (not nearly mobile enough). Air Coryell was long-ball, not a "yac" offense.

From the wiki entry on "Coryell Offense:"

Originally it was known as the West Coast Offense until an article about San Francisco Head Coach Bill Walsh in Sports Illustrated in the early 80s incorrectly called Walsh's offense "The West Coast Offense," and this mis-labelling stuck. Subsequently, Coryell's offense scheme was referred to as "Air Coryell" --- the name announcers had assigned to his high powered Charger offenses in San Diego, featuring hall of famers QB Dan Fouts& TE Kellen Winslow[4] , and pro bowl WR Wes Chandler & HB Chuck Muncie. Today it is mostly known as the "Coryell Offense", although the "Vertical Offense" is another accepted name.

Fake David Weed said...

Sing it sistah!

eyeonTheQ said...

The Q started the West Coast offense, commonly called back then "The Q Option Wing". It was the Q who first theorized that by flooding a zone with several receivers in short routes, it would force the defense to abandon rushing the passer to cover the receivers. The Q passed this on to Sid Gillman, who made some modifications, and the West Coast Offense was born.

fake vince lombardi said...

Sing it sistah.