Wednesday, December 06, 2006

FOOD COURT

Item: NYC Bans Trans-Fats.

NY Supreme Court, Queens, Special Term, Part 49. Food-Court. June, 2010.

Clerk: "The People vs. Donald Haynes."

ADA: "Your honor, the Defendant was seen at a known TF den with a French Fry in his hand. The under cover officer infiltrated the kitchen, clearly identified himself as a member of the Food Police. He ordered everyone to drop the fries, and step away from the ketchup.


The Defendant was seen running out the backdoor and dropping French fries from his hand by members of the support team that had set up a perimeter outside the fry den."

Legal Aid Lawyer: "Judge, this is another of those fry-dropsy cases. How many people would drop a French fry in this day and age in front of a uniformed member of the food police? Clearly, the foodies raided the home, where my client was an invited guest, and without probable cause to believe their was a high-fat content dangerous food item (HFCDFI) conducted a stop and frisk. Also, may I remind the court about the recent sugar decision by Chief Justice Roberts, where he court affirmed that the government’s interest in food was limited by…"

Judge: " Counselor. I do not need to be reminded about the sugar case. I have heard the same argument twenty times a day for the last week since the case was decided. [To the Prosecutor] What are the People looking for here?"

ADA: "Judge, the defendant is clearly twenty pounds overweight. His HDL is below 100 while his LDL is a shocking 180. His total cholesterol level is 268, 3 points below habitual fat offender status. Also he may have an alias and might be on probation for eating at McDonalds with a suspended license. I recommend he remain in custody on an all fruit diet for the next twenty days during which the People will check his identity and his cholesterol will be lowered 10 points. "

Defendant: "I ain’t taking no more Lipitor, it gives me the runs. "

Judge: "Mr. Hayes, you might want to remain silent and let your attorney speak for you. She has a cholesterol level of 145 and her LDL is below 40, so you’re in very good hands."

Defendant: "She look too skinny for me, plus she tried to make me eat an apple before court."

Judge: "Keep it up Mr. Haynes and I’m going to start considering some brown rice sanctions. [To the Prosecutor] Priors?"


ADA: "Possession of a Pizza with whole cheese in 2009 and again in February of this year. A few fried fish charges which were mostly dropped, and uhho….a dealing in Velveeta for which he did some time."

Defendant: "They never caught that cheese on me man, it was with some dude I met."

ADA: " And he just happened to have some crackers with trans-fat on him at the time. Your honor, the People see this as an escalating pattern of eating and stand by their request."

Judge: "Ok everyone, enough. Mr. Haynes, If I let you out, will you promise to be here in twenty days?"

Defendant: " Yes your honor."

Judge: " And will you get that cholesterol down ten points by then?"

Defendant: "Yes Judge."

Judge: "He just might be a candidate for Judge Rosen’s French Fry Court. He has never been caught with fries before, and we might be able to nip this thing in the bud. But Mr Haynes, if I give you this chance, you better apply yourself. Judge Rosen will have you tested every day, plus therapy, and fruit salad twice a day. This is your last chance, so don’t blow it on some golden arches fry den, you hear me?"

Defendant: " Yes your honor. "

Judge: "Transfer to Fry Court. Next case."

Clerk: "People versus Sanchez, trafficking in Dairy Products, possession with intent to sell chicken McNuggetts, and running a fried food lab. "

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your best post yet Rump....

Anonymous said...

corny...too corny

Anonymous said...

The blog just jumped the shark.

Rumpole said...

The good, the bad, the ugly.

Anonymous said...

Funny

Anonymous said...

Funny does not do that justice. Witty and hysterical Rump. Great job.

Jason Grey said...

I don’t care who you are, that shit is hilarious

Anonymous said...

Man, why does Mr. Hayes gotta be a brother?

Anonymous said...

Horace, this was awesome, satire is always refreshing....if the day comes when I can't have McDonald's fries...God, I don't know what I'd do...

Anonymous said...

The train has reached the end of the track and it is time to pull the plug on Horace's identity.

He is pretty clever, I must admit, but who would have thunk that he could be reached very simply by emailing him at:

fprumpole@aol.com. This is the email of a registered Florida Bar licensed attorney. Because I respect Rumpole's right to privacy, I will only tell you that his initials are MJK.

Great post today.

Anonymous said...

i figured out the clue" the key is the email" and should have known that i was hot when he would not write me back but i give credit where it is due-nice investigative work 6:27.
phil- you are finally off the hook.

Anonymous said...

I hope the ASA's reading the chain earlier in the week written about them remember wht was written EVERY Monday when the overfed private attys stroll in with their ties crooked, feigning exhaustion from running from the parking lot next door or another court room only to beg for the breakdown THIS client deserves because he's cross-eyed, has natural HGN, can only walk a line in Nike Shox (not provided by the officer...obviously a prick with no conscience for comfort and accuracy in taking ten steps), is joining the Marines next week, has already taken DUI school prior to Sounding, and who would most certainly be found not guilty if only he had asked for an independent blood draw or breath test OR had the source code for the Intoxilyzer.

These will also be the attys who will scream about their clients rights and boldly object when you ask for Restitution.

Remember their faces.

Anonymous said...

Private Practice Lawyer Profile for Michael J. Kessler

Michael J. Kessler
Member
Michael J. Kessler, P.A.
311 South Second Street, Suite 102
Fort Pierce, Florida 34950
(St. Lucie Co.)


Telephone: 772-466-4900
Fax: 772-466-2782
URL: http://www.flcriminallawyer.com



BV Peer Review Rated


Practice Areas: Criminal Trial Practice in State and Federal Courts; Driving While Intoxicated; Drug Crimes; Sexual Assault; Criminal Conspiracy; Criminal Fraud

Admitted: 1985, Florida; 1995, North Carolina; U.S. District Court, Southern District of Florida

Law School: University of North Carolina, J.D., 1985

College: University of North Carolina, B.S., 1982

Member: St. Lucie County, Indian River County and American Bar Associations; The Florida Bar; Florida Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers; National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers.

Biography: Certified Family Law Mediator, Florida Supreme Court.

Born: Rochester, New York, February 19, 1960

ISLN: 905909453

Web Site: http://www.fl-criminallawyer.com

Anonymous said...

funny post, but in reality, moe people get sick and die from french fries than herb. free mary jane.

Anonymous said...

Ok - I'm the idiot -- what the hell is PEER REVIEW RATED?

Does that mean that my buddies think that I'm a great lawyer? What self serving bullshit. Thanks for the LOL, Kessler.

Rumpole said...

fprumpole@aol.com. This is the email of a registered Florida Bar licensed attorney. Because I respect Rumpole's right to privacy, I will only tell you that his initials are MJK

Rumpole says: I will say this. When someone can prove my identity, I will admit it. Some of you know there are clues out there. This business of a poor sap having a Rumpole email address is funny, but, to avoid placing him in the same boat as you know who, I will pipe up and for the first time deny my identity. I am not that poor lawyer from Ft. Pierce. Please leave the guy alone, he probably does not even know about this blog.

Anonymous said...

"Please leave the guy alone, he probably does not even know about this blog. "

Rump, you fool, he posted directly above you; or should I have said, you posted directly above you.

Anonymous said...

Rump, you are too funny! Now that's good blogging!

Anonymous said...

Phil is the blogger: The clue, "the key is the email" was given to us by Rumpole at whois rumpole.com. But what does that mean?
Rumpole sent those bloggers who have reached out to him via email an email entitled "blog under attack". But Who was missing from the list of people Rumpole sent the email? A person who for sure would have emailed Rumpole since he has been suspected from day #1. Phil. He forgot to email himself.

Rumpole said...

Listen Sherlock, you found the blog. Big deal. Have you followed the steps? Nope. The Key is in the email. Your analysis misses the point. The key is not in other emails. What is a key? And why do you need it? You ought to ask youself those questions, rather than picking on channel 6's favourite target. Nice Picture by the way. Not.

Anonymous said...

I have figured out the identity of Rumpole. He is correct; "the key is the email."

Anonymous said...

Hey, leave Mike Kessler alone! He's an old source of mine, and a nice guy and probably never heard of any of you, or Au Bon Pain.

Susannah Nesmith, Miami Herald
(who doesn't know who Rumpole is either, but knows it can't possibly be Mike Kessler)

Anonymous said...

Plus he belongs to the National College for DUI Defense.

Rumpole said...

Let me close by saying this. While the Key is the email. (Which email???) It only leads you somewhere else. And from there, who knows. You cannot deduce my identity from using the key. woops.

Anonymous said...

The key is the current email address coupled with literary/philosophical allusions throughout Rumpole's posts. Combine those with a "footer" contained in emails unrelated to this blog, and you have Rumpole.

Anonymous said...

Horace, any comments re the story on Ellis Rubin, that he's gravely ill?

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