The Bad News: This will occur right after the opening of the El Chapo Cafe, ( (c) Rumpole, 2016, all rights reserved.) currently scheduled for the day after Donald Trump's second inaugural. (For those of you counting on your fingers or wearing black robes, that's January, 2021).
Here's the email, with our snarky comments inserted for your enjoyment:
I wanted to give everybody an update on the status of the public WiFi in the Justice Building.
I just got off the phone with Mr. Carm Miranda in the IT department of AOC (please tell us this is a fake name) , who informed me that they are in fact almost done with an upgrade to the entire network in the building.(Translation: there are new carrier pigeon cages being built on the roof). They're currently working on the first floor but have already completed work on the other floors—minus an access point they are going to be replacing on the 5th floor. (How about just turning the 5th floor into a gym? It would be more useful.)
As it was explained to me, there are three issues that affected/affect the quality of service on the WiFi network:
1) Signal Strength: (Currently there is no signal strength. So something is better than nothing.) They have addressed this by replacing the old access points with new ones that have a more powerful signal. ("Access point" is a technical term commonly understood to mean 'that point, usually in the corner of the building where David Ovalle huddles and can be seen raising his arms and legs in unusual formations to attempt to capture a signal. This is the usage accepted in Silicon valley. ) Additionally, they are doing a walkthrough to try to address coverage dead spots and to determine if more access points need to be added.; ("Walkthrough" means a bunch of people in coats and ties with official looking clipboards and cell phones making videos of Ovalle as he tries to get a signal and laughing at his futile attempts.)
2) Data Plan / Account with Comcast: Mr. Miranda explained to me that they have increased their bandwidth in the past, and will continue to do so, however, the jury pool as well as all the other people in the building can sometimes overwhelm capacity; ("Bandwidth" means, in the context of the REGJB, the size of band members charged with disorderly conduct when viewed from the side. And therein lies the problem.)
3) Disclaimer Page: Mr. Miranda also explained to me that they have recently replaced the server which hosts the disclaimer page that you have to interact with before being granted access to the network. He said that the new server can handle more users at the same time than the previous server could. The old server would encumber access because it would be overwhelmed with requests and could only handle a limited quantity of user requests at a time.
(Okay, here's where it gets tricky. We all know that only our intrepid Herald reporter David Ovalle was tenacious enough to continue to try and use the wi-fi in the last two years. So since he was the only one using it, the issue of the server being overwhelmed with requests seems a bit suspicious. BUT THEN, having viewed the overworked hamsters on the wheel which was used to power the server, the problem becomes readily understood. The solution is two wheels, and eight hamsters with better vet care and food and hay.)
Hopefully, you've already noticed an improvement in the Wi-Fi service in the building. (Nobody uses it, so no. ) I welcome any feedback you might have (read this post) , and would be happy to liaison with Mr. MIranda on behalf of the membership regarding any issues you encounter. (If somebody is really named "Carm Miranda" then a liaison isn't enough. We need to see them in person. And bring them a big straw hat filled with fruit. )
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