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Tuesday, April 30, 2013
ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI
THE CAPTAIN REPORTS:
THE ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI .........
Judge Fred Biery, Chief Judge of the United States District Court for the Western District of Texas, San Antonio Division, has become something of a rock star these past few years.
Back in 2008, ATL (Above The Law) bestowed their coveted Judge of the Day Award. In the process of ruling against Cornerstone Christian Schools, Judge Biery took the Bible and turned it around on them, in a snarky opinion quoting religious texts to refute a religious school.
In 2011, Biery struck again. This time, the SMU Law grad who lists gardening and basketball as hobbies, in a case involving an effort to block construction of a new highway interchange in Texas, denied the effort to block construction and in the process wrote an opinion with its bizarre assortment of footnotes referencing Ogden Nash, Barbra Streisand, the Lone Ranger, Stephen Sondheim, and much more.
In 2012, Biery addressed a school prayer case and ordered officials at a San Antonio school district to apologize for making disparaging comments to an agnostic family. In his "Non-Kumbaya" Order, he stated: "The court does not expect the parties to hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’ around a campfire beside the Medina River. Nor does the court expect the respondents to engage in a public spectacle of self-flaggellation for communicating words better left unsaid. Moreover, the court does not expect plaintiffs to become Traditional Christians, though the court suggests plaintiffs might follow the moral and civility lessons of Matthew 5:39 (‘if someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also’)[.]"
Fast-forward to 2013 and today Judge Biery has the distinction of ruling on a case he has renamed: "The Case of the Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Bikini Top V. The (More) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pastie".
Biery litters the opinion with a host of double entendre's including these gems:
"An ordinance dealing with semi-nude dancers has once again fallen on the court's lap". And, Biery cleverly chooses his first case site from the Bible, Mark 6:16-28 and calls it "The Salome Order". Biery also writes that: "while the Court has not received amicus curiae briefs, the Court has been blessed with volunteers known in South Texas as "curious amigos" to be inspectors general to perform on sight visits at the locations in question"; (referring of course to the gentlemens clubs).
The distinguished jurist closes his Order with this masterpiece:
"Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach .....(wait for it) .....
A HAPPY ENDING" (YES, YES, YES .... HE DID ACTUALLY SAY THAT).
Read the entire Order here:
CAPTAIN OUT ........