Tuesday, April 30, 2013




Judge Fred Biery, Chief Judge of the United States District Court for the Western District of Texas, San Antonio Division, has become something of a rock star these past few years.

Back in 2008, ATL (Above The Law) bestowed their coveted Judge of the Day Award.   In the process of ruling against Cornerstone Christian Schools, Judge Biery took the Bible and turned it around on them, in a snarky opinion quoting religious texts to refute a religious school.

In 2011, Biery struck again.  This time, the SMU Law grad who lists gardening and basketball as hobbies, in a case involving an effort to block construction of a new highway interchange in Texas, denied the effort to block construction and in the process wrote an opinion with its bizarre assortment of footnotes referencing Ogden Nash, Barbra Streisand, the Lone Ranger, Stephen Sondheim, and much more.

In 2012, Biery addressed a school prayer case and ordered officials at a San Antonio school district to apologize for making disparaging comments to an agnostic family.  In his "Non-Kumbaya" Order, he stated: "The court does not expect the parties to hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’ around a campfire beside the Medina River. Nor does the court expect the respondents to engage in a public spectacle of self-flaggellation for communicating words better left unsaid. Moreover, the court does not expect plaintiffs to become Traditional Christians, though the court suggests plaintiffs might follow the moral and civility lessons of Matthew 5:39 (‘if someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also’)[.]"

Fast-forward to 2013 and today Judge Biery has the distinction of ruling on a case he has renamed: "The Case of the Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Bikini Top V. The (More) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pastie".

Biery litters the opinion with a host of double entendre's including these gems:

"An ordinance dealing with semi-nude dancers has once again fallen on the court's lap".  And, Biery cleverly chooses his first case site from the Bible, Mark 6:16-28 and calls it "The Salome Order".  Biery also writes that: "while the Court has not received amicus curiae briefs, the Court has been blessed with volunteers known in South Texas as "curious amigos" to be inspectors general to perform on sight visits at the locations in question"; (referring of course to the gentlemens clubs).

The distinguished jurist closes his Order with this masterpiece:

"Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach .....(wait for it) .....


Read the entire Order here:


CAPTAIN OUT ........


Anonymous said...

WTF is this idiot babbling about. Reading his post is like reading one of those long, hand written, single spaced, double sided letters your clients in jail send you. You read it because of the possibility that somewhere is something important, but who the F has the time to search for it?

Please Rump. stop the pain.

Anonymous said...


2011, 2012, 2013, I had no idea where this tribble was going.

Please tell me this guy failed legal writing in law school. Please tell me this guy went to some law school that western north dakota law and agriculture.

OMG the pain. I need a drink.

Fake Dostoyevsky said...

Rumpole I'd never thought I'd say this, but could you please email DS and have him write something quick?

You know when you're at a chinese restaurant and you eat one of those pieces of ginger that just explodes in your mouth and is overwhelming and you feel like you're going to be ill and you need to eat something, anything, to remove the bad taste from your mouth?

That's what this post is like.

Anonymous said...


Can someone please explain this post in English?

Bartender a drink and keep'em coming.

Anonymous said...

Figures this guy was a Clinton appointee. He's a real joker. But shit like this doesn't belong in a federal court opinion.

He makes a joke out of it.

Impeach him.

vegas said...

What happened today with the JNC? Which names got sent up to the governor. I think Jason Block will get this open seat.

Anonymous said...

Rumpole. You love this stuff. He quoted from Shakespeare. To bear, or not to bear, that is the question. Hamlet. Prince of Denmark. Act one Scene one. Right ?

Fan of Fred Moreno said...

Thanks for a good laugh.

Hysterical reading a Federal Judge writing something like this. Wonder what Fred Moreno thinks of him?

Loved the line where he sais "plaintiffs, and by Extension their customers, seek an Erection ..."

Anonymous said...

Wasnt the SAO sued by one of the secretaries in federal court and the jury awarded $250,000 plus attorney fees? Who were the lawyers who brought that case against Kathy?

Anonymous said...

Rump. No love for the HEAT? They swept in four games and are looking great. Are you only going to post when they lose? Come on Rump. Give the Heat some love. They play with class.

Anonymous said...

Great post Rump. This Judge writes just like you. What happened to DOM on this story.

Rump. Did you hear something about a MJB judge resigning from the bench. Rumors are swirling.

heart attack waiting to happen said...

Rump, heart attack waiting to happen here. Doc says I need to keep taking my cholesterol cutting medicine and now wants me to add Niacin and Fish Oil every day.

What say you Rump, this is your home turf?

Anonymous said...

I agree with earlier post that this Judge does not belong on th bench. This guy is the Chief Judge. Are you kidding me. How is anyone supposed to take the law seriously when he is constantly writing crap like this. It makes a whole joke out of the federal system.

Figures this guy is from Texas. George Bush country.

Anonymous said...

Never thought I would say this but congratulations to Roy Black for getting his client five seconds of probation. I don't know how much this lady paid Roy but it must have been worth it. Judge is very conservative ans it seems like he really handed it to the government on this one.

Rumpole said...

7:27 5,000 mg of vitamin c in 1000 mg doses throughout the day. High doses of fish oil. Check into chelation. Elmimiate wheat and sugar from diet. Eat grass fed beef or lamb f and wild caught fish, esp salmon. No chicken or turkey. Limited pork. Lots of organic beans but no rice.

All of that should bring your cholesterol and triglicerides down and you should stop the statins as soon as possible. Niacin is great but dont use the no-flush. More later.

Anonymous said...

Um, 7:58. Why exactly is it that you thought you'd never be congratulating Roy Black?

CAPTAIN said...



The JNC has met and voted to send up five names to Governor Scott for appointment to the open seat of Judge Joel Brown. Your next Circuit Court Judge will likely come from the list of:

Jason Bloch
Judge Donald J. Cannava
Judge Wendell M. Graham
Ayana Harris
Robert Luck

If the Governor chooses one of the two County Court Judges, then he will get a 2for. We should have Governor Scott's answer no later than June 29th.

These five were interviewed and did not make the final cut:

Michelle A. Delancy
Alan Sackrin
Steven Reininger
Sandra Miller-Batiste
Thomas Cobitz

Good luck to all the nominees.

Captain Out .....

Anonymous said...

Cobitz! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!