COUEY TRIAL MOVED TO MIAMI
An alert reader posted that the trial of the man accused of killing Jessica Lunsford has been moved from Citrus County to our humble courthouse. The reader asked what advice we might have for the Judge, staff, and attorneys.
Rumpole, always ready to oblige, has this simple to advice.
As with all visitors who grace our city, you will be welcomed with the traditional warm Miami Greeting: “Welcome. Now turn over your rental car and empty your pockets.”
Here are some helpful tips:
OUR COURTHOUSE. Called the Justice Building, it is really the Gerstein Justice Building, named after our most famous fugitive from Justice: Miami Commissioner Joe Gersten. Joe was a friendly fellow. He made the rather close acquaintance of a fetching young woman, who took him to her cozy crack house, and after getting Joe higher than his soon to be calculated sentencing guidelines, she and her friends stole the commissioner’s Mercedes. Joe reported the car stolen from his Coral Gables residence, and when the crack smoke cleared, Joe found himself under arrest for a Rundle/bundle of crimes arising from filing a false police report.
When Commissioner Gersten found himself in the not so unusual position of being a politician in Miami under arrest, he decided that it was time to take a vacation down under.
“Crikey Mates- The Dingo ate my return ticket!” Gersten liked Australia so much, he never returned.
Anyway, with the city in the embarrassing position of having named its criminal courthouse after a fugitive, it was decided to ad an “I” to Gersten, changing the name to Gerstein, who as everyone knows was the long time State Attorney before Janet Reno. Because Miami is commonly referred to as “The City Of Fugitives” there is some talk about returning the building to it’s original name.
JUSTICE BUILDING TIPS: One of the JA's is rumoured to run "an escalator" pool from chambers. One buck buys you the chance to pick the exact moment all six escalators are working for more than one minute in any given week.
Want to avoid games of chance? Then you should use the elevators which only stop on odd numbered floors on Mondays and Thursdays, and even numbered floors on Fridays. You see, what we do in Miami is just turn 60 jurors loose, tell them the courtroom number, and if 6 are actually able to stagger in before closing (which is 1PM for all County Court Judges) then you have your jury. However, remember that most jurors will have a bench warrant for some traffic infraction, (remember, we are "The City of Fugitives") so make sure you select plenty of alternates, as many jurors tend to get arrested during the trial.
CY GAER: If you see an older Gentleman appear before you and suddenly begin talking about a “great tragedy befalling his young and innocent client” that is just Cy Gaer. Give him a trial date in two weeks and he will leave.
FOOD: Miami runs on the “Cuban system.”
Don’t ask for a “cola” as you are liable to be misunderstood and given a colada which is a small, dark, sweet, poisonous concoction of caffeine. Cuban toast is a large long piece of white bread that is stale and crumbles when you bite into it. If it tastes like cardboard, then you have one of the good pieces. All entries in Miami are accompanied by black beans and rice. This includes Carvel Ice Cream Cones and Pizza.
Speaking of Cuban, Miami runs on “Cuban Time.”
Court starts promptly at 9:00 am., which means sometime between 10:30 and 12:00 noon.
MISCELLANEOUS: Be careful what you say in chambers, as the FDLE has a nasty habit of not removing the bugs from it’s last corruption investigation. The FDLE’s position is that it has placed so many listening devices in the REGJB that it has a hard time keeping track of them.
We have a JA that operates a mini-Wal Mart from chambers.
Many visitors to our building will be happy to assist procuring for you whatever you may have left behind at home, including cell phones, luxury vehicles, substances of “medicinal value” and companionship for those long lonely Miami nights. These individuals are recognizable by the “City Commissioner” emblem on their shirt, and they are just trying to make ends meet.
We once had a bailiff convicted of Murder.
Ditto for a Miami Dade Homicide Sergeant.
OJ was acquitted here.
But all other professional athletes do not fair as well. Ask Judge Glick when you see him. He has some sort of steamship outside of his chambers. And he’s one of the more normal and stable Robe wearer in our building.
Any way, as an un-official ambassador for our fair courthouse, let us be the fist to extend to you a warm Miami welcome.
Now your wallet please.