Also, we have included our Hurricane supply list, which every prepared citizen should have. See below.
August means Hurricane season. It also means the influx of a brand new set of assistant public defenders and assistant state attorneys, many of them from places like Oklahoma, Indiana, Illinois, where hurricanes are as understood as arroz con pollo. So because we are where young lawyers turn when they have questions, we herewith present Rumpole's Everything You Wanted to Know About Hurricanes but were Afraid to ask.
What is a Hurricane? A hurricane is a cyclonic tropical storm that forms in the Atlantic Ocean usually between June and Novermber. It is characterized by a low barametric pressure and a cyclonic action that forms an eye.
Can You Use Nuclear Weapons to stop a Hurricane Forming?
Only if you are North Korea and the hurricane forms over South Korea. Otherwise, this is a moronic question that an idiot that lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue recently asked and answered during the Eisenhower administration.
What is the Saffir-Simpson Scale? It is a method of characterizing the strength of hurricanes from 1 to 5 with 5 being the highest. It is also utilized with the Cone-Of Death and Channel 7 (see below).
What is the Cone-of-Death? In the mid-1980's Home Depot needed a way to induce panic buying of plywood and bottles of water. At that same time Channel 7 in Miami needed to boost ratings during hurricane season. It was like Martin meeting Lewis.
Out of the needs of many the Cone-of-Death was born. The Cone is a totally unscientific way of predicting where a hurricane will be within the next few days. Anyone within the Cone-of-Death needs to panic and they need to panic NOW. In conjunction with the Cone-of Death is the Modified Saffir-Simpson scale as applied by Channel Seven in Miami:
Cat Possible Outcome
One Possible death. Go immediately and buy 200 gallons of water
Two Probable death that can only be avoided by standing
in line to buy sixteen sheets of plywood.
Three Near certain death. Buying a hundred flashlights
and accompanying batteries may help.
Four You're dead and you just don't know it. If you have a moment scurry over to someone standing in line to buy wood and tell them Andrew was worse.
Five Total Protonic Reversal. Try to imagine all life as you
know it stopping and instantaneously every
molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Standing in line to buy wood and water and batteries will make you feel braver when facing Total Protonic Reversal.
Rumpole's Hurricane Supply List:
1 Candle.
2 Bottles of Rum.
1 Flashlight.
2 Bottles of CasaAmigos Tequila which is absolutely the most smooth tequila we have ever imbibed.
2 Extra packs of batteries for the flashlight. One lighter for the candle.
1 Battery Operated Radio.
1 Bottle of Bullet Bourbon.
1 pack of energy bars.
A few apples and bananas and some bags of chips.
Ice, Ice and more ice.
A jug of water. Some grapes.
1 Edition of Ehrhardt's Evidence. When the power is out and you cannot sleep in the heat, this will put you out. Better than Ambien. Safer too. Judges obviously will not be reading such nonsense so for them we recommend the collected letters of President Trump, Vol.I, or Mike Pence's new book: "Moral Courage. How to stand up for your Principles and never compromise even when offered the second most powerful office in the world." (Really).
1 Roll Toilet paper.
1 Novel: The Picture of Dorian Gray, for obviously ironic reasons.
One Magic Marker (black) to write on the boards covering your windows "F U Dorian" or words to that effect. Also "send help" or "We are not Puerto Rico, don't abandon us." You get the idea.
Rump, you forgot about the most important feature of any hurricane category: go to the liquor store, stock up on your favorite beverage, invite your friends over, get drunk and forget there ever was a hurricane.
ReplyDeleteRed wine! The only alcohol that any experienced hurricane survivor buys in red wine. It doesn't require ice or refrigeration.
ReplyDeleteI suggest a fine red Caymus or Groth. does not need refrigeration.
ReplyDeleteHerb Saffir was my first expert in my first civil trial. He would answer his phone as "Saffir here". There is a building named for him off either the turnpike or the Palmetto. The Saffir-Simpson scale measures only the wind speed. It does not evaluate how much rain comes with the Hurricane.
ReplyDeletePrevious tracks had it centering on Daytona landfall or above. However, the most recent projection has it edging south.
ReplyDeleteYour favorite flavor of Mad Dog 20/20 fortified wine.
ReplyDeleteThe REN (a venue) had the best pre&post hurricane parties. Pattie behind the bar would always whip up a special hurricane concoction with a Zombie as a base and then adding something based on the storm. My fav was the WooWoo shots which had peach schnapps and vodka.
ReplyDeleteThis time, I strongly urge Judge Slom and others so inclined not to issue warrants for people who FTA on Friday or Tuesday. Please, show some respect for those who choose to leave town right now. Yes, Sam, I know the storm may not hit and it may be just an exercise in getting ready but, if you issue warrants again, we will ship you out of town early to live in a FEMA trailer in Houston.
ReplyDeleteThey should re-name it the Saffir feline scale. Cat 1, Cat 2, Cat 3 Cat 4 and Cat Cinco or Sinko. With 5 you and your mortgage are under water.
ReplyDelete