THE MORE THINGS CHANGE

It's time for everyone's favourite game, FUN WITH THE DADE COUNTY JAIL! 

From time to time, the genius- jokers at the jail like to have a little fun while they do their job. This email was forwarded to us by several alert readers: 

Good afternoon,

Was wondering what everyone’s experience recently has been trying to get into the jail to meet with a prospective client prior to being retained?

I’ve been at Pretrial getting the runaround because I’m not attorney of record. They claim that I need to file an NOA prior to even having a retainer signed. They also say that I would file the NOA, have the client taken to court and asked by the judge if he wants me as his lawyer.

This is the most bizarre explanation I’ve ever gotten for something like this.

So now the good people at the Jail are happily providing us criminal defense attorneys some valuable practice tips. Get a call to see a potential client at the jail? It's so easy. 1- file an NOA without being retained or even having met the client; 2- Ask corrections to bring the client to court. 3-11- return to court until corrections actually brings the client. 12- Have the potential client tell the judge that yes, they would be interested in speaking with you, 13- if you're not hired, file a motion to withdraw. 

A big thank you to the people at the jail for making our working lives so very easy.

TROPICAL STORM ERIN

TS Erin is churning through the Atlantic with a path that looks to bring it right into Miami somewhere between 3rd and 14th streets in South Beach. But not to worry! After Doge budget cuts, the National Weather Service has been reduced to two guys named Sal and Ralph working out of a room in an illegal efficiency in Hialeah. But fear not, Ralph, in his own words "watched a s%itload of TV weather reports over the last few years while driving for Uber", and Sal got "solid B's in science while getting an associates degree at MDCC last year." So we are in good hands, and both Ralph and Sal think that Erin is going to "sorta like, umm, you know, turn away..." from Florida and South Beach before making landfall. Whew. Close call. 

FEDS MAKE ARREST OF VIOLENT CRIME IN DC 

As you know, the military is thankfully patrolling the streets of our violent capitol trying to keep innocent citizens safe. But as we all know being a police officer is a dangerous job, and danger reared it's ugly head yesterday when a federal agent, according to the NY Times, was "assaulted with a sandwich." 

Sometimes we have to report the cold hard facts of crime on this blog. This is no laughing matter. The sandwich was a foot-long  sub, which as we all know qualifies for a two point enhancement under the federal guidelines, because as the guidelines continually state, "size matters."  The sandwich had hot sauce and pickles (2d1.4 Condiment Enhancement),  had been toasted and had melted cheese (2d1.5 Hot Sandwich enhancement), and was hurled at the officer before it had been paid for, (2D1.6 Theft Of Food Enhancement).

    The Officer was treated at the scene and released, whereupon he ordered a six inch Italian special (with chips, soda and a cookie for $11.99) and enjoyed a quite dinner while the suspect was processed and transported.  

Enough is enough we say. First it is sandwiches being thrown at federal agents, then Big Macs, and now we are marching down the road to wilding youths grabbing pizza slices and tossing them at innocent people. And if the slice has been rated an 8.0 or higher by Dave Portnoy ("One bite, everyone knows the rules"), then we are right on the edge of anchovy anarchy.