THE TIES THAT BOND

 In a nod to Carnac (and none of you 30-40 something Federalist society judges have any idea what we are talking about) : 

A 2022 calendar; a pint of eggnog bought on Christmas eve; and a bond hearing Judge:

Rumpole/Carnac The Great: Name three things that will be useless in 2023. 

Ba dum dum. 

The Scene: Your client has been arrested for passing a worthless check and is being interviewed for a bond hearing:

Bond Paralegal (BP) (holding an iPad and repeating for umpteenth time the same speech) "Hello I am Octavia your bond hearing paralegal. The answers you give will be used to calculate your bond number profile which will determine if, when and how you will be released. I will not ask you anything about your case but anything you tell me may be used against you in court. Do you understand? initial here please. 

Client: This is a mistake. I'm going through a divorce and my ex-wife wrote a check on a bank account I closed. I am a pediatric cardiac surgeon and I have a very difficult case set for later today. I need to be out to operate. 

BP : Please initial here that I advised you of this procedure. Now pursuant to the Florida Privacy and Transgender act, what pronouns do you wish to be addressed with?

Client: Huh? 

BP: I'll just put he/him. Initial here please. 

BP: Do you believe in global warming? 

Client: What does that have to do with bond?
BP: Pursuant to Governor DeSantis Bond release and Republican Judiciary act, people who hold radical beliefs may represent a specific danger to the community. 

Client: Well, yes, the science supports Global Warming. 

BP: Hmm, ok, I'll add four points. Now do you believe all the votes were counted in the last presidential election? 

Client: What does that have to do with a bond?

BP: Pursuant to the Freedom Caucus Truth in Elections Act, your answer may indicate a propensity for liberal beliefs that could be used to identity you as a member of Antifa, a dangerous gang. 

Client: Well, yes, I think all the votes were counted and there was no fraud. 

BP: I see, well, that's an additional five points. This is not going well for you. Last question: What was your annual income last year and do you own a home?

Client: I am the chief pediatric and cardiac surgeon in a local hospital and I make over three million dollars a year. I own my home in Coral Gables and own a vacation home in Vail, Colorado.  

BP: Well, I am sorry to inform you that under the 2023 Florida Bail Reform and Equality Act, you are a person of privilege and a similarly situated person of lesser economic means could not afford the ten thousand dollar bond, as such, so that you are not treated differently as an economically depressed person, you will be denied release today and held twenty-one days until the time of your arraignment so that you can experience what life for an economically disadvantaged person in the criminal justice system feels like.  The Judge will see you in three weeks. Please initial here that you have been so advised of the repercussions for being economically advantaged and arrested. Perhaps in the future you will rethink your work and earning obscene amounts of money that others cannot make. 

Client: But I have a dozen sick children set for operation in the next three weeks. They are all now going to die. 

BP: Perhaps you should have considered that before all that training, education and skill you obtained allowing you to earn the money needed to afford a bond and be a person of privilege.

Also, the air conditioning in the Dade County Jail should help you rethink those ridiculous opinions you have about global warming.  Have a nice day.