It's known by many religions and beliefs under different names. The Grinch. The Airing of Grievances. The Anti-Clause. Call it what you like, but true to our nature, here are all the things we do not like this time of year. They are listed in no particular order.
1. Holiday cards. Useless. They do not matter one whit. It is not as if one family member says to the other "this holiday was just awful, but then at the last moment...remember that law firm that did our title insurance? Well they just sent us a card wishing us...get this...a WONDERFUL holiday season. That changes everything." Horse-hockey. It's a waste of postage and trees and we want it to stop.
2. Holiday emails. Starting around Thanksgiving, we start receiving emails from law firms that somehow have our email address. "Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving." Oh Boy! The turkey would not have tasted as good until we got that email from the local counsel we used in Chicago for that federal case wishing us a happy Thanksgiving. Now we can eat in peace. We resent the time it takes to hit the erase button on this waste of space in our email in-boxes.
3. The Thanksgiving and Christmas emails that say something like "In lieu of sending holiday cards, our law firm is making donations to the Save the East Indian Spotted Donkeys charity and the Feed the Hungry Gerbils of the Ukraine." It is our strong view that true acts of charity occur anonymously. Anything else is just feeding the ego and shopping for back slapping. "Hey those guys and gals at Dewey Cheetum and Howe are great people. They just made a donation to the Save the Frogs of the Mohave Desert Charity...they are sooooo enlightened. Maybe I should refer them my next money laundering case." Save it and stuff it and if you mean it then do it and keep it quiet. Otherwise it's just offensive to us and we think others.
4. New car commercials that assure us that the car we are buying is sanitized. BFD. Nothing we cannot do with a can of Lysol. "Hey honey. I loved the Dodge, but the Cadillac comes sanitized so I guess we should buy that one." Really? That matters? No it doesn't so just stop it.
5. Establishments that make you choose a line. We have been over this before. There are four tellers or checkout registers. You should not have to gamble that the person in front of you is going to forget a package of onion dip and take ten minutes to go find it. One line. When the next teller or checkout station is available you then walk to it. Banks have it right. Why can't supermarkets and CVS and Walgreens get on board?
6. LOL. You are NOT laughing out loud. So stop texting it. And if by some slim chance you are in our company and during a conversation actually say "LOL" do not wait to finish you café latte. We did just get up and leave without saying a word. And now you know why.
7. Straws in water. We are not six. We can drink out of a glass without assistance. LOL. Save the planet. Stop with straws.
8. If you wear a mask and expose your nose why not just cough on us? Idiot.
9. When ordering at a restaurant nothing is acceptable other than "May I please have...". "Gimme..." or "Get me " or even "Let me have" are nothing more than signs of uncouth ignorance and we shall not stand for it. "I would like" is barely acceptable but frowned upon.
10. Not demanding another recount in Georgia. It's passé.
11. Fake news.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
In lieu of sending you a card, we have donated money to the Home for Aged and Addled Judges. It's a worthy cause.
8 comments:
Here's an honest car commercial.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcEylCwkSxE
I guess Rumpy got up angry today.
In any event, in lieu of sending Rumpy a card, I send him this note.
Lighten up!
Well actually I wrote it yesterday and it has been brewing for a while. Those stupid emails about not sending cards and making a donation are now arriving at the rate of two an hour. Go jump in a lake, preferably a cold one. That is a better Christmas gift for us.
"In lieu of sending you a holiday card, all the lawyers and staff at Winthrope and Misgivens have traveled to Lake Okeechobee and jumped in."
Greetings and salutations. It's your favorite and brilliant judge elect you know who. I am putting the finishing touches on my next law review article for the Harvard Crimson. And it is the much anticipated topic of ...wait for it....THE STATUTE OF FRAUDS! TA DA! (bowing).
The Statute of Frauds, enacted in 1677 was largely repealed in England and Wales by the Law Reform Enforcement of Contracts Act of 1954 (2 & 3 Eliz 2 c 34). The only provision of it extant is part of Section 4 which means that contracts of guarantee (surety for another's debt) are unenforceable unless evidenced in writing. This requirement is clarified by section 3 of the Mercantile Law Amendment Act 1856 (19 & 20 Vict 97) which provides that the consideration for the guarantee need not appear in writing or by necessary inference from a written document.
The applications of this for modern American Law is enormous. I will be including chapters on the enforcement of Sino contracts, and the application of contracts of adhesion in cybertechnology. It is going to be a much anticipated and good New Year read.
And so I bid you readers adieu as I finish last minute edits during this- for me- last Christmas eve- before I start the honorably journey from Uber Civil Rights Lawyer to Respected Jurist in service you to, my loyal public.
You Know WHo.
Who is the esteemed Judge, now in civil, who wrote the authoritative Florida Bar Journal article on the “ECONOMIC LOSS RULE?”
Fabulous. If you haven’t read it - it is a must. A stocking stuffer.
I wish the Ren a venue was open this Christmas Eve. I used to go for their roasted wild boar with black truffle sauce. It was amazing. No I’m stuck eating sergios rice and beans Bleh.
The Festivus Episode was on last night.
Happy Festivus
Touché Rumpole! Finally an appropriate holiday post. These constant automated well wishes are negatively affecting my health. Thank you for brightening my holiday. So to you my friend, Merry holiday or whatever.
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