It's known by many religions and beliefs under different names. The Grinch. The Airing of Grievances. The Anti-Clause. Call it what you like, but true to our nature, here are all the things we do not like this time of year. They are listed in no particular order.
1. Holiday cards. Useless. They do not matter one whit. It is not as if one family member says to the other "this holiday was just awful, but then at the last moment...remember that law firm that did our title insurance? Well they just sent us a card wishing us...get this...a WONDERFUL holiday season. That changes everything." Horse-hockey. It's a waste of postage and trees and we want it to stop.
2. Holiday emails. Starting around Thanksgiving, we start receiving emails from law firms that somehow have our email address. "Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving." Oh Boy! The turkey would not have tasted as good until we got that email from the local counsel we used in Chicago for that federal case wishing us a happy Thanksgiving. Now we can eat in peace. We resent the time it takes to hit the erase button on this waste of space in our email in-boxes.
3. The Thanksgiving and Christmas emails that say something like "In lieu of sending holiday cards, our law firm is making donations to the Save the East Indian Spotted Donkeys charity and the Feed the Hungry Gerbils of the Ukraine." It is our strong view that true acts of charity occur anonymously. Anything else is just feeding the ego and shopping for back slapping. "Hey those guys and gals at Dewey Cheetum and Howe are great people. They just made a donation to the Save the Frogs of the Mohave Desert Charity...they are sooooo enlightened. Maybe I should refer them my next money laundering case." Save it and stuff it and if you mean it then do it and keep it quiet. Otherwise it's just offensive to us and we think others.
4. New car commercials that assure us that the car we are buying is sanitized. BFD. Nothing we cannot do with a can of Lysol. "Hey honey. I loved the Dodge, but the Cadillac comes sanitized so I guess we should buy that one." Really? That matters? No it doesn't so just stop it.
5. Establishments that make you choose a line. We have been over this before. There are four tellers or checkout registers. You should not have to gamble that the person in front of you is going to forget a package of onion dip and take ten minutes to go find it. One line. When the next teller or checkout station is available you then walk to it. Banks have it right. Why can't supermarkets and CVS and Walgreens get on board?
6. LOL. You are NOT laughing out loud. So stop texting it. And if by some slim chance you are in our company and during a conversation actually say "LOL" do not wait to finish you café latte. We did just get up and leave without saying a word. And now you know why.
7. Straws in water. We are not six. We can drink out of a glass without assistance. LOL. Save the planet. Stop with straws.
8. If you wear a mask and expose your nose why not just cough on us? Idiot.
9. When ordering at a restaurant nothing is acceptable other than "May I please have...". "Gimme..." or "Get me " or even "Let me have" are nothing more than signs of uncouth ignorance and we shall not stand for it. "I would like" is barely acceptable but frowned upon.
10. Not demanding another recount in Georgia. It's passé.
11. Fake news.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
In lieu of sending you a card, we have donated money to the Home for Aged and Addled Judges. It's a worthy cause.