It's going to start raining in South Florida this weekend.
Here's what you need to know:
Beer, Wine, Sangria, Rum (from Cuba), a candle, a can of tuna, a box of crackers, a case of tonic, a non-electric cork remover, a can of sardines, vodka, limes, two snicker bars. An apple. Matches for the candle. Two dozen books.
That should get you through the storm no problemo (literally "safe and sound" in Croatian).
Here are a list of events that will be canceled if it starts raining.
The world famous, earth shaking, viagra taking, point scoring, REGJB fantasy football league draft, previously set for tonight at eight. The draft has been re-set to Sunday night at 7pm. Lets get the draft done before the widespread power outages. For more about the draft, see below.
West Palm Beach Court.
The snooty ones were first out of the box today, sending out an email about the impending rain, and how rain ruins seersucker suits, with some pablum thrown in about juror safety. Juror safety? What about defense attorney safety? In any event, WPB said they might, just might, cancel court Monday and repair to that street nearby the courthouse full of bars, and sip a gin and tonic and watch the world float away.
The Southern District followed suit, with detailed instructions about how court will be canceled. Basically, if the storm is a level 2, and there are wind enhancements, (3B1.2) you multiply that number by the number of hours before storm impact time channel seven cancels all programing and goes into emergency mode. You take off two points for every MPH the wind is estimated to be below 80MPH, and then you consult a chart-matrix called, ironically enough "the storm cancelation guidelines" , and if you are in zone D, then court will automatically be canceled and South Florida is doomed. If you are in zone C, then court might be canceled and you are directed to find a working computer and check the court's website- www- calculate-your-storms-federal-gudielines-.RBG.com.
If you are in zone B, then you must go to court in Broward, but not Dade, and if you are in zone A, then you must go to the big, glass enclosed building -the safety of all those windows having been certified by the same team that installed the original mirrors in the Hubble telescope.
Update: The storm cancelation guidelines were just ruled persuasive and chimerical and not mandatory.
The Miami Dade Courts have a technologically advanced website that you can access only with your 286 chip call in modem. Once on the website the court will provide infrequent updates about Hurricane Andrew.
Some Storm Observations.
Channel seven will have you believe the world is ending. This is because WSVN has a partnership with Xanax and several liquor companies. If you do not have 11-teen hundred gallons of water and approximately 60,000 square feet of plywood, then you are doomed. Just take some xany-bars and have a drink.
People cannot drive in the rain.
You've seen this. People on I95 suddenly put on their flashers and start driving 15 mph in the left lane when a raindrop hits their windshield.
Why is this, you may ask?
The answer is common-sense-simple.
The rain interferes with most people's ability to text and answer emails while driving.
The main reason for the delay in the draft is we don't have a firm handle on who is playing. DOM for instance has gone quiet. Nobody has heard from him. He may be doing something frivolous like trying a case or writing another brief on rule 29 and getting another conviction reversed and remanded with directions to discharge the case against his client. If you see him, or even better his lovely partner and wife, let her know he is goofing off in the goofing off department and get his butt in gear.
We are asking all other players to send us an email with their name and the name of their team. It may shock some of you to know that we aren't entirely sure who runs the team named "Heisenberg" or "fin-tastic" or "brady deflated" (those are actually some good names, other than fin-tastic).
Once we get a handle on who is actually playing, let the draft begin!
No surprise that certain media-scribes who hold themselves out as FF experts have once again avoided putting their money where their mouth is and signing up for our league. The next time you see him taking a picture of Alex Michaels and his client, just quietly start clucking like a chicken.
Stay safe and dry.
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