DODGING A BULLET

It is hard to feel thankful that we are not getting gob-smacked by a major hurricane. Our good fortune is our neighboring state's misfortune. 

In the spirit of prior hurricanes, misses and hits, we revise our much desired Rumpole's Hurricane list and Q & A. 

Q: What do the categories mean?
A: The category numbers refer to the "Saffir-Simpson Scale" (literally "the Saffir- Simpson Scale"). The scale relates the square of the amount of liquor in metric ounces needed to forget the impending disaster.  Since there is an exponential difference between the damage a cat2 and cat3 storm causes, you need four metric ounces of liquor to forget the impending damage of a cat2 storm, but nine ounces to forget a cat3 storm. 

SURVIVAL LIST
* denotes a new addition to the list. 
Four Bottles Tito Vodka.
*Four jars olives.
Three Apples. 
Two Oranges.
Bunch of Bananas. 
*Four Bottles Hayden-Basil Bourbon.
Two Bottles Bullet Bourbon.
One case Coca-Cola.
One box power bars.
Two flashlights.
One Radio.
One case C batteries.
One case water, 16Oz bottles. One case per person per two days of anticipated delay before rescue. If you listen to the local channel 7 type TV station, then add 30 cases water per person per day. 
*One Book: Crime and Punishment.
*One bottle sleeping pills, or one book "The collected humorous speeches of William Howard Taft." 

Q: Should I use a generator?
A: Only run the generator during the storm. After the storm, surreptitiously run a power cord from your neighbor's generator. 

Q: How dangerous is a hurricane?
A: According to most meteorologists who work for Channel 7 or who have worked for the station  over the past decade in Miami, most hurricanes threaten 90-95% of all life within a five hundred mile radius of a storm. Your chances of surviving a storm rise -according to Channel 7- in direct proportion to the amount of plywood you buy from Home Depot multiplied by the number of hours you wait in line. So for example if you buy ten sheets of plywood after waiting two hours, your chances of survival rise twenty percent. 

Q: Will courts be closed? 
A: In Miami and the rest of Florida -yes. In Broward County-NO. And in the words of one prior chief judge "warrants for missing court during hurricanes will be the priority in being enforced once the storm passes."

So there you have it. Everything you always wanted to know about a hurricane.