Because we are so nice to courthouse staff, they reciprocate and herein we present exclusive access to the transcript of the arraignment of the United States of America vs donny "b good" trump.
The Clerk: All rise. The United States District Court for the Southern District of Florida is now in session. Magistrate Jonathan Goodman presiding.
Mag Goodman: Call the case please.
The Clerk: The United States of America versus Donald J Trump and Wault Nata. Counsel please announce your presence.... (thereinafter counsel for the government made their appearances)
Alex H Banana: Alex H Banana for defendant Osvaldo Escobeiche ...no wait, that's the 2:30 non-moving violation calendar in Hialeah, umm, ok, Alex H Banana for Donald J Trump. No pago es ticket.
Mag Goodman: I'm sorry, what was that last bit?
Alex H Banana:: Just something I say in every case Judge.
Mag. Goodman: I have reviewed the pre-trial services report, does the government have a recommendation on bond?
Alex H Banana: Objection judge. My client requests that the court disclose who you voted for in the last three presidential elections. My client further requests that the court make inquiry of the government prosecutors who they voted for as well. Furthermore....
(thereinafter a person in the courtroom stood up): FREE DONALD TRUMP! THIS IS BULLSHIT. WHERE IS HUNTER? WAY TO GO BRANDON! MAGA MAGA MAGA....
(thereinafter the US Marshalls removed the individual).
Alex H Banana: Sorry Judge, my staff members get a little excited at times. It won't happen again. I have not yet received an offer on the case. I'd like to know if the state is seeking an adjudication and points?
Mag Goodman: Okay, lets all settle down. To quote the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it has been. Let's arraign the defendant.
Alex H Banana:: Yes Judge. Alex H Alex H Banana: for the defense providing representation for traffic and nonmoving violations in Broward, Dade, Monroe and let's not forget West Palm Beach County. My client was caught completely by surprise. You see, he can declassify anything just by thinking about them. And no one has ever seen charges like this and many lawyers are saying they've never seen anything like this.
Mag. Goodman: Is that a plea of not guilty?
Alex H Banana: No judge. There just seems to be a great deal of confusion here.
Mag. Goodman: I asked you a very simple question. How does your client plead?
Alex H Banana: It's just that he didn't do anything wrong and...
Mag Goodman: Once again, the communication process has broken down. You seem to want to skip the arraignment, skip the trial and get a dismissal. So once again, how does your client plead?
Alex H Banana: Not Guilty.
Mag. Goodman. Noted. Having reviewed the pretrial services report, and noting that you can take it to the limit, one more time, and that the defendant is presumed innocent as Billy Joel has sung, the court will set a two hundred thousand dollar personal surety bond, with standard conditions of release. There are some special conditions I am going to impose. And I want to be very clear that any violations of these conditions will result in a revocation of bond.
Mr. Trump: You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger, and you don't mess around with Jim.
Am I clear?
Alex H Banana: Yes judge.
Mag. Goodman: I will notify the judge assigned to the case and you will get a notice of a status conference. Ok, court will be in recess.
WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL RICHARD E GERSTEIN JUSTICE BUILDING BLOG. THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO JUSTICE BUILDING RUMOR, HUMOR, AND A DISCUSSION ABOUT AND BETWEEN THE JUDGES, LAWYERS AND THE DEDICATED SUPPORT STAFF, CLERKS, COURT REPORTERS, AND CORRECTIONAL OFFICERS WHO LABOR IN THE WORLD OF MIAMI'S CRIMINAL JUSTICE.— Rumpole needs to resign. Boycott the Blog — Alex H. Banana has made more 100 times money than you ever made Mr. Rumpole. Go try a case Mr. Rumpole. No one wants to hear your political opinions anymore. You are abusing the microphone. The Gong has rung. Go be a lawyer Mr. Rumpole and stop your disparaging political commentaries and poking fun of successful members of our legal community. You have stepped way out of bounds sir. This blog no longer focuses on its mission statement.
ReplyDeletetool
DeleteGee mom. That’s kinda harsh don’t ya think ?
ReplyDeleteI will bet you Rump that Judge Cannon recuses herself voluntarily - and Judge Middlebrooks will take the case over. No nonsense and a denial of all of defendants’ motions. If not Judge Middlebrooks then Judge Marra. Same result.
ReplyDeleteWho would be on your Trump trial team Rumpole? David Marcus for sure, but who else?
ReplyDeleteFing brilliant. Jim Croce LIVES
ReplyDeleteGuy Lewis. Former US Attorney. No brainer.
ReplyDeleteHe could put together a real tight team of former us attorneys.
Best trial lawyer who puts a case together than anyone ? Abe Laeser.
If ever there was a case for Sharpie - rest In peace - this was it.
Wow. You really do want to see 45 convicted with that list. Abe? lmao. Guy? Funnier still.
DeleteBill Barzee and Hector Flores.
ReplyDeleteYup. Good call
ReplyDeleteGreat writing Rumpole. I see what you did there.
ReplyDeleteYou're trial team is from 1988 lol
ReplyDeleteShumie and the Q. Duh.
ReplyDeleteAlex banana Hanna LOL
ReplyDeleteThe Big Easy E Elortegui comes out of retirement from Maine for one last big case.
ReplyDeletePaul Pollack and Ernie "plead em" yokam.
ReplyDeleteI got the guy. And this is the guy. No other guy.
ReplyDeleteThe man
The myth
The legend
COUNTRY DAVE !
Omg RUMP. You are so right. Could you imagine Richard Sharpstein defending Trump??
ReplyDeleteHow about Sy Gaer? Or media darling Mark Eiglarsh?
Wait a minute … just heard that HANZY & COCO have been retained by President Donald Trump. #Winners
ReplyDeleteLaughing at fancy lawyers believing there is some daylight between them and somone like Hannah.
ReplyDeleteReal talk: a sitting potus's DOJ indicting his presumptive election rival over process-crimes, after four years of colonoscopy-level special prosecutor investigation which turned up only process-crimes against associates, and zilch against the target, has removed any doubt that "courts" are just a weapon for the regime.
Like the line from "Apocalypse Now": charging someone with murder in Vietnam is like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.
There is nothing exalted or noble about the court system. or about the practice of law. We are functionaries in a machine that enforces social and economic status quo. Someone like Hannah who finds a way to get rich no pagando este ticket is probably just smarter and more self-aware than someone who thinks he's Atticus Finch.
Rump, you keep nailing it on a daily basis. Keep them comin’.
ReplyDeleteConfidentially Goodman’s chambers laughed their asses off over the special conditions of bond ala Jim Croce.
ReplyDeleteWell done and funny as all get out.
11:40 AM LOVE ANY ERNIE YOKUM (rest in peace) REFERENCE.
ReplyDeleteThank you for brightening my day kind sir or madam.
Hanzy and Coco, like Ali coming out of retirement for one last championship fight are issuing an across the board "no comment" when asked if the dynamic duo of retired Judges will be getting their shoes shinned and buying some new suits as they take over the defense of USA v. Trump.
ReplyDeleteTMZ reports that Kim Khardashian was seen coming out of Coco's luxury Malibu Beach house last night and Hanzy was seen dining at Le Bernadin with known Trump advisors.
The NY Post Headline "Are Hanzy & Coco Loco?" is only adding fuel to the fires and rumors.
Will Trump pay what is sure to be a mid eight figure retainer?
Will Hanzy and Coco face off against the Us Government in the trial of the century?
The National Enquirer reports that Charo was tweeting "I loveeee Hanzy" and that Ivanka Trump made a deseperate call to her old BF Coco begging him to save her father.
Hanzy and Coco are gonna want 50 mil so they get 25 mill each PLUS expenses of the case. Jury consultant. Focus groups. Investigators. Electronic discovery experts. Costs will be five mill
ReplyDeleteDoes the crime of espionage require mens rea? A jury may not find Trump’s stupidity and narcissism amount to criminal intent.
ReplyDeleteBeing a jerk works as a judge, if you are smart, hard working and generally fair. Being a jerk does not work as a crim defense atty no matter how smart and hard working you are.
ReplyDeleteThis is hysterical. Genius.
ReplyDeleteWe love HANZY & COCO. Could you imagine them, in court with “The Donald”, after a delicious lunch at Taboo in Palm Beach … arguing their Motion to Suppress? Written like a 50 page law review article on why no evidence of what was said to a defense lawyer is admissible. By the end of the argument, Judge Cannon will want to know how to finish a case in 14 months like they did in Surfside. Sharpie would be proud. Even Neil Rogers will want an interview in his radio show “Tales From Heaven…”
ReplyDeleteHey 1041
ReplyDeleteI know you barely got your GED so stop trying to pretend you can play with the big boys. There’s a seat at Versailles where you can sip a cafe con leche and scroll the want ads.
Satire is a centuries-old type of literature that uses humor and imitation to attack and ridicule individuals’ moral and character flaws, such as vice, unfairness, stupidity or vanity.
A parody is also an attack on folly, but it takes the form of a contemptuous imitation of an existing artistic production — usually a serious work of literature, music, artwork or film — for satirical or humorous purposes.
Satire and parody have served for generations as a means of criticizing public figures, exposing political injustice, communicating social ideologies, and pursuing such artistic ends as literary criticism. Satirists usually find themselves subjected in turn to criticism, contempt and, sometimes, lawsuits.
The First Amendment protects satire and parody as a form of free speech and expression.
Btw my blog record for comments is well over 150
More transcripts from the Hanzy and Coco morning podcast pleeeeeeeease
ReplyDeleteHanzy Goooooood morning Vietnam
ReplyDeleteCoco what ?
Hanzy. Always wanted to say that. Good morning and welcome to the start your day the right way morning podcast. I’m Hanzy
Coco And I’m Coco.
Hanzy. What did you do after the show yesterday?
Coco. Round of golf. Tried to poach an egg like Rachel Ray showed us yesterday.
Hanzy And ?
Coco. Massive fail. Had a burger at the club after the round. Shot a 79. Who do you like in the US Open this weekend?
Hanzy. I think your favorites have to be Jon Raheem and Scottie Scheffler. But my long shot is Mito Pereira. The kid is the best ball striker on the tour right now. If he can get the putter working then watch out. You’re going right ?
Coco. Yup. I’ll be at the first Tee for day one. Then I have a nice seat on eighteen for the rest of the tourney. I may follow Rahm today.
Hanzy. And to be clear even though you’re not playing you have your own caddy Ducky following you around right?
Coco Yup. Watching a golf tourney with Ducky is a privilege. And he knows where to get those pork tacos that I love. Hey I was you were on Westlaw yesterday. Anything you want to share ?
Hanzy. Not yet
Coco So that research into possession of national security documents was for fun ?
Hanzy. Something like that. Coming up next we have Chris Christie checking in on his campaign. And then in the ten o’clock hour we have Arnold Schwarzenegger in the studio and he will he showing coco the correct way to do squats and arm curls.
If you’re planning a lazy weekend check out The Reverend. A new series on Max. A failed baseball player sets off to find his spirituality by traveling the country giving sermons. But when he meets Eliza a b movie actress in LA his life takes a much different turn. Stream The Reverend now on Max. This is the Hanzy n Coco start your day the right way podcast. Back in sixty seconds.
I LOVE Coco. How can I meet him? Single? PS. I heard Hanzy is a happily married man. He is a looker and so smart.
ReplyDeleteDouble genius.
ReplyDelete