ELECTION FRAUD WE HAVE THE PROOF

 We are social and legal commentators. We leave the investigative journalism to the lower paid minions who skulk in back alleys late at night, standing surreptitiously in doorways, hidden by fog, notebook and pencil stub and camera with telephoto lens at the ready.  (Let's see Mr. Markus write an opening line that paints such a vivid picture. Podcast schmodcast). 

But at times we do don our Deerstalker hat 

(the kind Sherlock Holmes wore), pull out our magnifying glass, and uncover clues. And we have done it again, selflessly, altruistically (and possibly because we are bored in our self-imposed quarantine). 

And now we present to you the stunning and sad results of our investigation which yields but one result even for the dimmest of the robed readers amongst us: ELECTION FRAUD! 

The results were suspicious. The winner an upstart and an upset. Feathers were ruffled and conspiracy theories took flight. 1,500 votes arrived electronically from one IP address. 

The contest was the annual Bird of the Year run by New Zealand's Forrest & Bird. The clear front runner was New Zealand's Antipodean Albatross, which is colloquially known as the Toroa.  The upstart was a fat endangered flightless Parrot called a Kakapo and a Kiwi Pukupuku. 

Networks broke into news coverage to report the potential fraud and stunning upset:

The Toroa was in the lead all along ala Thomas Dewey in 1948. Then Truman-like, the Kakapo pulled the election out at the last moments. Feathers were ruffled. Charges arose like flights of fancy. The rules allowed one vote per email account. And at the last minute 1,500 votes arrived from the same email address in Auckland.  Russian influence was speculated similar to the infamous 2019 Bird of the Year vote where Russian influence was reported by the Washington Post. The respected firm of Forrest & Bird ran the election and warned on their website that if fake votes were submitted "we will find you and be disappointed." 

Careful statistical analysis showed suspicious voting for the chunky flightless Parrot who is also known as the Little Spotted Kiwi: 

Candidates took to Twitter ala you know who- to campaign.

@team_kakapo announced their win. Twitter tagged the tweet with it's recognizable warning 

that the tweet about the election results were in dispute.

The Antipodean Albatross initially disputed the election results as "fake news"

Antipodean Albatross, #BirdOfTheYear Runner-Up

@VoteToroa

·

Nov 17

The Toroa campaign would like to deny this fake news. We have conceded to

@team_kakapo

and are prepared to whoop the moss chicken's butt for next year's #BirdOfTheYear election. #SeabirdsNotTreeBirds

@Forest_and_Bird

@DomPost

@NZStuff

#NZBirdPol

Antipodean Albatross, #BirdOfTheYear Runner-Up

@VoteToroa

·

8h

.

@team_kakapo

should have won #BirdOfTheYear. ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱

 Upon being informed of the stunning loss, the Toroa tweeted a short concession speech, and then also like you know who-vowed to run in 2021. 

We are monitoring these results and political flights and fights hourly. You might say we have a "birddog" determination to follow this wherever there are ruffled feathers. You can count on us more than Forrest & Bird can count votes.