Saturday, January 25, 2020

FIRST SUPER BOWL UPDATE

We are eight days away from the eyes of the world turning to Miami. Well, actually Miami Gardens (Motto: "Not South Beach. Not Aventura. Not Opa Locka."). A football game will be played here. The surrounding events will make it appear that people are cheering on a group of scientists who are feverishly working to save the world from the new virus from China. Instead, it's something more important. Whether big men can move a football and whether other big men can stop them?

The Greeks had poetry and mathematics. The English- literature. The French had Renaissance and Impressionist artists. We have two hundred and fifty pound men who run like gazelles. They hit each other so hard that by the time they are forty-five they walk with canes and have mental impairment. And this we cheer with jingoistic and religious ferocity. 

And we also place wagers on this historic event. And our readers supplement their meager State salaries with our recommendations. So while we finish our analysis* of the coin flip so we can give you the deadlock best bet,  a proposition bet has crossed our purview that we cannot let pass: 

Whether 49er QB Garoppolo will throw more than 1.5 TD passes?  It pays even money Bet a dollar, win a dollar. Bet a dollar, lose a dollar and ten cents. To win this bet, Garoppolo must throw two TD passes. Yes we realize he only threw 8 passes in the NFC Championship game. And Yes we realize that the 49er Defense is stout. But this will NOT be a low scoring game and Jimmy G is going to have to open it up. Place the bet now (the number will change over the week) that G throws two TDs. 

* Our analysis of the coin flip includes weather, humidity, time, location (slight changes in the gravitational fields of the earth will affect the flight of the coin), barometric pressure which slightly affects the height of the flip and number of rotations of the coin, the actual coin design and whether there are raised surfaces which will affect the drag coefficient, the age of the person flipping the coin, whether he is left handed or right handed (we have discerned a statistical bias based on the hand used to flip the coin), the physical condition of the flipper, and the directional layout of the field (fields that run east-west affect coin flips differently than fields that run north-south). Once we obtain the variables, we run over one million computer simulations and obtain a very accurate prediction on the coin flip. Stay tuned.  


10 comments:

  1. RUMPOLE / I called my Morgan Stanley office, but the only take bets on our rigged economy. I tried that in 1999 and 2008, but it didn’t work out for me.

    Two questions:
    1. Where can I Place a bet on 2 touchdowns? I’m not flying to Vegas to do this “win a dollar” thing, but I want to participate.

    2. What is SIR KENNETH wearing to the big game? Blue Purple Label blazer with brushed silver buttons, Zegna Sport jeans and the infamous white Tretorns?

    Thank you so much. Very helpful Post. Finally.

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  2. Grow a pair and get a bookie.

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  3. For those lucky enough to have Club level Super Bowl tickets, they will have the opportunity to enjoy a repast at two "The REN A Super Bowl Venue" next Sunday. The menu that has bee released so far is 1- The world's most expensive hot dog. A #14 Wagu Beef dog, one pound, cooked sous vide then grilled on a potato brioche bun with truffle oil. A cool $49.95.
    2- #18 Wagu pastrami sandwich on house made rye and Ren large grained mustard $22.95; 3- South African lobster tail sashimi with Pacific Blue sea urchin; 4- Key West pink shrimp cakes, horseradish crème $36.95; 5- New Zealand Lamb chunk skewers with grilled spicy and sweet peppers and a side of organic beet polenta $32.95; 6- Tagliatelle plate with either garlic, oil, spinach and broccoli rape sauce or with a chicken meatball ragu $22.95;
    desserts include the famous local organic coconut ices; chocolate fudge chunk cookies with raspberry cream; candied mandarin oranges, fried huckleberry pie slices with peanut butter sauce. All desserts are $14.95.
    More to come hopefully.

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  4. Is it possible to get a #2 WITH Russian dressing, Swiss cheese and Cole Slaw?

    PS. Kenny W is not going to the game. He ALWAYS watches the Super Bowl from his bed with 4 - 5 “Colossals” from JOE’S Stone Crabs, sweet potato fries and a salad with extra vinegarette. He never deviates and started this insane practice while at boarding school in Geneva.

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  5. Hey 3:10. Too bad it is not 1986. You could ask half of the judges for the name of a local to take your action.

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  6. Shumie super bowl cigar store party next weekend. Saturday load up on supplies, Sunday smokem cause you gotem for the big game. And watch it all on the new 75 inch big screens QLED Hi def HD 4G TVs (and yes they are turbocharged).
    Just head west on Bird Road until you see the big alligator standing in the parking lot holding a Big Cigar.

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  7. The Ren A Super Bowl VenueSunday, January 26, 2020 3:34:00 PM

    Hi Van Johnson Brunard here. Charge 'd affairs for The REN a Super Bowl Venue for the next week Please follow us on various social media outlets as we will be updating our menus, price list, issuing specials for pre-purchase, and offering some take out at the downtown Super Bowl experience.
    It's nice to have The REN a Venue, back serving our friends and customers in So Fla!

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  8. Why does the Ren A Venue have a Charge d' affairs??

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  9. The Ren, a Venue, uses different designations. They have Ambassadors Poulet, Ambassador Poisson, Ambassador of Drinks; Ambassador of Appetizers. etc.
    The head of the shift is Secretary General.
    The Head Chef is the ...Head chef. Somethings never change.

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  10. Brees will throw more than 1.5 touchdowns and Kamara will run for more than 65 yards. Saints will cover against the 49ers.

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