THE NEW DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

Balmoral Castle, Royal Deeside, Aberdeenshire, Scotland. 
July 4, 2019
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth. 
She is standing in an anteroom, a window overlooks the green estate. A light rain is falling. Her arms are crossed and she appears deep in thought. The phone rings and she grabs it on the first ring. It is the Prime Minister, Theresa May. The Queen has been expecting this call:  "He did? So it's done? Signed? I see. From the UK? And the UN? And the rest of the world? So from everyone? Oh, not North Korea or Russia. But everyone else? I see. Yes, thank you Prime Minister."

And aide comes into the room and hands the Queen a piece of paper. The Queen puts on her reading glasses and begins to read...



THE NEW AMERICAN DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT. 

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of none of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men white people are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator, a Christian God who bestows his blessing only upon Christian people,  with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, low taxes, the right to be born upon conception,  the right to secure borders, and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from elections without foreign influence or fake news, no collusion,  and the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government of Democrats  becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Republicans People to alter or to abolish all Democrats with redistricting, it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness with the continued presidency of Donald J Trump for as long as he shall see fit. 

Therfore, I Donald J Trump, do hereby announce the Independance of The United States Of America from Mexico, Canada, The United Kingdom, The European Union, That Idiot that runs France who is weak-very weak, Germany, Japan, South Korea, Australia, California, and really all of the world except Russia and North Korea. Oh, and the UN too. They need to pay their parking tickets. We lose a tremendous amount of money when they don't pay their parking tickets. 

The United States shall have no trade, all tarriffs, no diplomatic relations with any nation on earth except North Korea, whose chairman loves me, and Russia because no collision. 

Signed, founding white fathers:

Donald J Trump; Mike Pence; Mitch McConnell; WIlbur Ross; Betsy something or other who runs the education thingy; Jared Kushner.