TRUMP & MERKEL

We've obtained the transcript of the private meeting between Chancellor Merkel and President Trump. Conversations in italics are in German, between Merkel and her translator. 

DJT: Welcome Madame Chancellor. 
AM: Thank you. 
DJT: I know you have an election coming up, may I give you some advice?
AM: Certainly. 
DJT: Hire your own crowd counters at the inauguration.  Have them all carry those clicker things. Get your own count. Your opponents will use the crowd size against you. I had the biggest crowd in the history of the world, and yet...
AM-Int: He's mad. 
Int: Steady Madam.
DJT: You owe us money for NATO. You can pay in those German Marks.
AM: Mr. President, we use the Euro now. 
DJT: I've been thinking about using nuclear weapons. We've paid for them. Why not use them? When President Eisenhower ordered General Patton to nuke those German cities, it was tough at the time, but you made it back. I'm told you have the biggest economy in Europe. 
Aide: Mr. President, the Vice President is on the phone. 
DJT: Tell him to call back later. As I was saying, we don't win anymore. And nukes will win for us.
AM-Int: How could the Americans have done this? This man is crazy, and stupid. Nobody can take him seriously. 
DJT: Speaking of winning, We're going to ban all BMWs made in Mexico. I'm sorry about this, but it has to be done. 
AM: We don't make BMWs in Mexico.
DJT: Of course you do. I saw it on Fox News last night. Plus, the tapes show you are. The tapes of you on the phone....hahaha that's just a joke. Obama stopped taping you when he started taping me. 
Aide: Speaker Ryan is on the phone with a health care issue. It's urgent. 
DJT: NOT NOW! Listen, I'm thinking that the way to solve this NATO thing is to have us move our armies to the south and east. Face off against the French. You know how they are. Not trustworthy. 
AM: But to our west?
DJT: Putin has you covered. He's thinking of setting up a buffer zone in Poland. Protect you from the west and Russia from the east, and it will cost a whole lot less. Problem solved. My guy Jared actually thought of it. After he met with Putin last week. 
AM-Int: It's the Hitler-Stalin pact all over again. This nut wants us to divide the Poles...again! I won't be a part of this. Tell him I'm not feeling well. I have to get away from this madman. 
DJT: Here's the people you need to worry about. The British. And the English too.  That James Bond stuff is real. Fox News says Obama can leave a small pen in the room and whamo! they can record everything. It gets sent by telegraph and satellite to the Australians.. by the way didn't you invade Australia in world war two? Big mistake leaving. Tremendous mistake...
AM-Int: He doesn't know the difference between Austria and Australia, I don't know what to do here.
Aide: Mr. Putin on the phone for you Mr. President.
DJT (jumping up) I need to take this. Be right back. ..Mr. Putin....yes...she's here...told her about Poland...loved it...thought it was a tremendous idea....yes....and yes sir....and yes, right away....yup...he did tape me....fake news...yes...I saw it ....yes....yes....anything you say big guy....