Dear Diary, Things are fantastic. Amazing. Best two weeks of a presidency. Ever.
This statute of liberty thing is a real mess. Give me your tired... the hell with that. Tired is Bush. Give me your tough guys, full of energy, ready to work. That's what I want. Do people even know France dumped that thing in our harbor? France...a country four fat germans pulling a potato cart invaded and conquered. Then we had to have our greatest General, General Patton invade at Dday and rescue the French.
Note to self- find out when Dday celebrates Patton's invasion and take Trump One to Dday France and give a speech. Then spend the night at my golf course in Ireland. How far can Dday be from my hotel anyway?
That appeals court better do the right thing tonight. We have to have courts, but no one says we have to pay the light bill. Rule against me and let them sit in the dark for awhile. I'm done playing games.
Speaking of games, the Super Bowl was good, but if I find out that little snit Jared took my phone when old Bush flipped the coin so I couldn't tweet how pathetic he looked...I'll do something. Send him to Israel for a month. Some jew...I've seen him snarfing down the shrimp cocktails at the club when he thought no one was looking. And its all free food for him. My dad would have charged him...he charged me so why not him?
Bannon made the cover of Time. First for him. I've been on like a dozen times. And better covers. Best selling ever. I checked the numbers. His cover sold real poorly. One of the worst. They won't make that mistake again. Or I'll turn off their lights too. Let them type in the dark.
Saturday night live. Time to take off the gloves. I'm done fooling around. First, gonna order re-runs of the Apprentice with me in charge to air opposite their show. Second, one word: NSA. Lets seem them get numbers when their signal is scrambled.
Melania and Barron are in New York. This is soooo cool. I have the place to myself. Long talks at night with Vladimir. He gets me. He really really does. Not a killer. Just a big Russian teddy-bear. And he has those pics of Russian models that he sends me. All over six feet tall...
Memo to self...take Ruth Bader Ginsberg out to eat. McDonalds. She's a few big Macs from a coronary.
Enemies list. Schumer. Vermont. Zimbabwe. That group of Nuns picketing the White House. Jared- if he stole my phone. Bannon. No more Time covers. EVER! Pence is on thin ice. Needs to back me up more. Ben and Jerry. Worst Ice Cream ever. So overrated. The press never reports that. It's all fake news about me and my poll numbers, not that Chunky-Monkey is a failing ice cream with Bananas in it.
Gotta go Diary. Belgium issued some statement about refugees. Gonna call their Prime Minister. Lets see how they like it when I kick them out of Nato and buzz Parliament with B-52s. Phone call now. First up- triple the tariff on Belgium chocolates. Then ban those stupid waffles. Hit them where they live I say.
Rumpole, you are awfully quiet about the Patriots incredible win in Super Bowl LI. How much money did you lose?
ReplyDeleteNice. Collins at the nyt would be proud.
ReplyDeleteGold, Jerry! Pure Gold!
ReplyDeleteClose your eyes and imagine Baldwin reading this.
Gold!
@Realtrump tweets Be careful little man...I'm not one to triffle with. Ask Fatso Christie or Bush or Guliani or Clinton..capiche?
ReplyDelete"Lost" three hundred on the two bets I reported. Won a hundred on the coin toss and five hundred on splits Falcons first to score, Falcons first quarter +.5, Falcons First half +1.5
ReplyDeleteso overall profitable game but that collapse really sucked. I had Falcons parlay first half, second half, under, and game. Would have paid over two thousand.
Hey there - has anyone been in the court room of Judge Michael Hanzman?
ReplyDeleteCouldn't make it past the misspelling in the second real sentence.
ReplyDeleteWhen your main critique of someone is that they are dumber than you, maybe spell check.
I'll check back in another few weeks, expecting a better take down of "Literally Hitler".
I have a case in front of Judge Hanzman. He read everything before we got to his courtroom, was so polite and respectful to me and my client and knew the law. Outstanding jurist. It's like being in Federal Court.
ReplyDeleteDana Milbank, for the Washington Post, tries to outdo SNL:
ReplyDeleteShoker! Rediculous chocker Trump attaks and dishoners English with ever-dummer spellings.
The English language was unprepared for the attak. It was destined to loose. And, inevitably, it chocked.
The Trump White House on Monday night, attempting to demonstrate that the media had ignored terrorism, released a list of 78 “underreported” attacks. The list didn’t expose anything new about terrorist attacks, but it did reveal a previously underreported assault by the Trump administration on the conventions of written English.
Twenty-seven times, the White House memo misspelled “attacker” or “attackers” as “attaker” or “attakers.” San Bernardino lost its second “r.” “Denmark” became “Denmakr.”
I wish I could say this attack was unprecedented — or, as President Trump spells it, unpresidented. But I cannot say that. Nothing has distinguished Trump, his aides and his loyal supporters more than their shared struggle with spelling.
The morning after his inauguration, Trump tweeted: “I am honered to serve you, the great American People, as your 45th President of the United States!”
The honer is all ours, sir — just as it was exactly a year ago when you tweeted: “Every poll said I won the debate last night. Great honer!”
Soon after the latest honer boner, Trump received his first international visitor, the British prime minister, and the Trump White House, in its official schedule, spelled her name wrong not once and not twice but thrice. Theresa May became Teresa May. Britons noticed the gaffe, as well they would: Teresa May is the name of a former British soft-porn actress and busty nude model.
During the transition, Trump thundered on Twitter in a tweet that was so unpresidential it might be Freudian: “China steals United States Navy research drone in international waters — rips it out of water and takes it to China in unpresidented act.”
But what was really unprecedented was Trump’s tweet on Hillary Clinton that included three misspellings in the space of 140 characters: “Hillary Clinton should not be given national security briefings in that she is a lose cannon with extraordinarily bad judgement & insticts.”
My insticts say Trump should enable auto-correct.
That might have prevented him from labeling Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) a “lightweight chocker” and “always a chocker” after the senator choked in a GOP presidential debate.
Trump’s spelling chock was no shock. He attacked another primary opponent, Sen. Ted Cruz, by tweeting: “Big shoker! People do not like Ted.”
It was no shoker, by contrast, that Trump also tweeted that Cruz “will loose big to Hillary.”
ReplyDeleteAgain and again, Trump loosed his way. Ridiculous became “rediculous,” Phoenix became “Phoneix” (a felicitous phonics failure), and many paid attention when Trump proclaimed that he was not “bought and payed for.”
Trump let the sun set on basketball’s Bobby Knight, knighting him “Bobby Night.” And he put Barack Obama into military housing with an extra “r,” turning the then-president into Barrack.
One might be tempted to say Trump’s misspellings and those of his aides are evidence of a lack of education or an indication that they are not so bright. The constant barrage of misspelled invective on social media from Trump’s most ardent supporters suggests the same (though this may be because they are Russian).
Such labeling is particularly tempting when Trump makes one of his mistakes in the process of insulting somebody else’s intelligence — such as when he called MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell “one of the dummer people on television” or when he again used the un-or-tho-dox spelling of “judgement” in a tweet accusing Clinton of “stupidity.”
But such allegations would be the work of coastal elites who went to establishment institutions called “schools” where they studied elitist subjects such as “English.” In Trump’s case, the trouble is likely not intelligence but his habitual sloppiness and recklessness. He apparently generates his executive orders with similar abandon (or perhaps that should be spelled a-Bannon). What I fear is that he will be equally careless with his foreign policy, giving little thought before, say, attacking Denmark.
If such an attack occurs, his request for a declaration of war practically writes itself. A proposed draft:
My Fellow Americans: You may be shoked by my military attak on the Kingdom of Denmakr. You may think it is rediculous and one of the dummer things I have done, and I admit it is unpresidented to bomb a peaceful nation. But my insticts and my judgement say we cannot afford to loose, for it would bring dishoner. And so we do not go gently into that good knight. We send our troops from their baracks until Denmakr’s aggressions are payed for. Only then will Copenhagen rise like the Phoneix. We will not falter, we will not fail — and we will not chock.
11:22- Hanzman slow, but smart and starting to figure things out. That being said, I wish Ruiz had stayed.
ReplyDelete