MIXER THIS WEEK

There's a "Bench/Bar" mixer on October 22 2009 at some "establishment" appropriately named "Delores, But You Can Call Me Lolita." We are not making this name up. This bagnio of sorts is located at 1000 South Miami Drive.

While laws against miscegenation have been mostly (and rightly) removed from the books, we have a policy which we strongly advise many of you to adhere to: while there is absolutely nothing wrong in having social relations (or more) outside your particular ethnic makeup, we urge caution when it comes to mixing intellect. In general, we strongly believe that one should socialize within a general range of one's intelligent quotient.

There is danger in socializing (or more) with those, well, there's no easy way to put this....with idiots. There. We said it. Problems arise. Families clash. There is social scorn whenever you go out in public. People point and whisper.

Eventually you wake up one morning and realize as you read your New York Times and your partner watches Fox News, that you just don't have anything in common. Then marriages fail, people are hurt, and only the divorce lawyers prosper.

We are much older and wiser than many young attorneys reading this blog. Perhaps the opportunity to mix with those below your intelligence seems sexy? Dangerous even. You've spent three years in law school studying law and avoiding miscreants so you could be admitted to the Bar. Now might seem like a good time to let loose. Let your hair down in a dark bar after a few drinks and see how the other half live.

Don't do it. A few minutes of pleasure is not worth throwing your whole life away. We know it sounds wrong. But really, individuals of lower and higher intelligence should not mix.

You have been warned.

However, should you dare to "take a walk on the wild side"

here are a few conversation pointers to help you avoid those embarrassing pauses when your conversation partner doesn't know what you've said or how to reply:

1) Don't use any phrases in latin. Ever. Except "nolle prosequi" That one they know. Usually.

2) Let them take the lead in their courtroom stories. Laugh politely when they mention how they ruled, then say "how about them Dolphins?" Avoid inquiring if the case was appealed. It's a sore subject to most.

3) Don't mention precedent. They don't usually care about mundane things.

4) Use simple words. Two syllables or less.

5) Avoid talking about the old days before they started their current job.

This is where it gets tough because the conversation usually strays into such flights of fancy that no reasonable human being can be expected to hold their tongue.

"You tried 125 jury trials? In one year? Really? How about them Dolphins?

"You gave up a million dollar a year partnership? Really. Plus a new Mercedes every year? Wow! How about them Dolphins?"

"The Governor called you personally to urge you to apply for the open spot on the Third DCA? (Pull out your handkerchief. Pretend to sneeze while laughing. Gather your thoughts about you. Take a deep breath.) How about them Dolphins?"

The best thing you can do Thursday is go to Joes, it's open now! Or Mortons, or stay home and watch Survivor.

Remember what your mother told you: "When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas."

See You In Court, safe in our anonymity.