DIARY OF A MAD JURIST 1

Rumpole notes: The following was anonymously emailed to me with the request that I state that there is no representation that the events depicted happened recently, and that the author reserves the right to “merge events and individuals for the purposes of protecting identities and representing events as seen by the author.” The author further notes that they have gone out of their way to remove all references to gender, so that neither the gender of the author or the individual they are writing about is revealed.

THE JUSTICE BUILDING BLOG, SUNDAY EDITION, PRESENTS:

DIARY OF A MAD JURIST


Its another Monday. A “C” Calendar. It seems to bring out the worst in everyone. These prosecutors appear to be trained so poorly. The thought of doing the right thing, has in some, been drummed from their mind by the incessant need to speak with their supervisor for just about everything. Some of these Public Defenders can’t see the forest through the trees. They scoff at private defense attorneys who get their client treatment in the face of seemingly weak criminal charges.

And these private defense attorneys. What about a C calendar brings out the amateurs? This guy is a divorce lawyer. What makes him think he can handle this check fraud case?

My head is throbbing and if I drink any more coffee my heart rate will go through the roof. It’s only 10:15. I have 35 more pages of this nonsense. Sometimes I wonder how I get through the day.
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The Third reversed me again. Lets see one of them come down here and give this 22 year old kid 30 years for stealing a purse. Sure, he needs to be punished. But getting out of prison in 2033 or something like that seems a bit much.

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I just had lunch with someone who makes over 125 thousand a year. They drive a Mercedes, and left a 8 dollar tip on a 75 bill. Plus they sent their food back. And that was after getting a description of how the food was prepared that included getting the label on the oil used to sauté the chicken. About the only thing they didn’t ask about was whether bottled water was used to clean the lettuce. I just ordered a steak. Let them use whatever damn oil they please, as long as it tastes good. I do 30 minutes on the treadmill every day, that’s enough. What ever happened to enjoying life? I bet this idiot eats cake in the middle of the night when no one is looking.

Anyway, I snuck back and left another ten for the tip. Maybe being in calendar isn’t so bad after all.
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Here’s a good one: The prosecutor objected when the defense attorney moved to discharge the bondsman on a bond. The problem, I had just revoked the bond and taken the defendant into custody. The prosecutor didn’t know what they were doing. They just heard a defense attorney ask for something and objected. It’s the way they're trained. I know that. And yet I almost lost my temper. Sometimes this whole adversary business is just too much.
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Two lawyers just out of law school about to pick a jury. My head is starting to hurt. I wish I could just pick up my book and read on the bench. I have to look like I’m paying attention. Burglary of a car. This case should have been settled.

Anyway, here goes the prosecutor asking the jury if they would want fingerprints. Of course they would want fingerprints you numbskull. Now you’re going to tell them you don’t have fingerprints. Who trains you? Don’t they teach you how to deal with evidence before a jury? Don’t they teach you that voire dire is not about trying to influence the jury- it’s about finding out who these jurors are.

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Mistrial don’t you know. In opening statement no less: “And when the police arrested him, he never explained why he had a screw driver and a pair of pliers.”
Now I can get involved. How much of this was a mistake, and how much of this was planned because they didn’t like the jury? Maybe jeopardy has attached. hmmm...lets see. Uhho! Here comes the DC. Some boring chat, some posturing on both side….a little Cuban coffee…voila! Misdemeanor and CTS. Justice done again. Now, everybody out of my chambers.
Hold my calls. Get me some Advil and my book.